[Alex Stevens]

 

Hello again  friends

Here's a recording i made this morning. Again I've tried to concentrate on the melody and lyrics. I know my vocals and production aren't brilliant, but i ask for your opinions on the idea, does it work as a 'song', is it catchy/memorable and does it have any potential?

Anyway please let me know what you think. Many thanks for listening. Hope you like it; it's another tune I can't get of my head so I thought it best to share it. Best regards,
Alex

Heres the all important link!-

http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11467134&q=hi



It's Incredible What You Can Do
Copyright  2012

Synopsis

Someone who is world class  - possibly in entertainment or sports.

Final Lyrics  (some alternatives in brackets)

All verses (since the melody is repeated to give a 16 bar verse
rhyming is 1=2, 5=6, 4=8  rather than  1=2, 3=4, 5=6, 7=8 )
(there is also an alternative version, where the lead-in is also sung - this is used in the second verse)

All choruses (rhyming is  2=5=6 (but obviously requires three rhyming words), 3=4)

1st chorus repeats ie 20 bars in total, second chorus is 10 bars,

1st Verse

All of the world is your stage, brilliant from such a young age,
destined to be idolised (for celebrity), since your were born,

and when the pressure's intense, your talent seems so immense,
you are just sensational (phenomenal), (unbeatable), each time you perform.

1st Chorus

From the very start, in an instant, yes we knew,
that you'd be (you were) a superstar, and here you now are,
so amazing but still true, it's incredible what you can do.

Here's the place and time, when everything works out of you,
you are (seem) always in command, exactly as planned,
so amazing but still true, it's incredible what you can do.

2nd Verse

And we've known for a while, that no one else has your style,  (there's no one else with your style)
all the air's electrified, whenever you're near,

Alternative rhythm for 2nd part of verse: 
Seems like everywhere (anywhere) you go,  (backing singer:  everything about you is exceptional)
your thoughts they all need (have) to know,
people hang on every word, you want them to hear.


2nd Chorus

We thought we'd seen it all,  and nothing's left that's fresh and new*,   (same sound as 1st )
but that (one) day you came along and proved us so wrong,

(OR (to avoid repeating "new/knew"" sound)

We thought we'd seen it all,  but we didn't have a clue/what a crazy point of view / but you made us change our view,
on that day(then)  you came along and proved us so wrong,)

an astonishing  debut, it's incredible what you can do.

(only 6 lines in 2nd chorus)

Break

Now you have shown the world (us all) how it should be done,  what you know can never be taught,
it's awe inspiring seeing all that you've won, your success can never be bought, (competitive eg sport)

(OR
you're so deserving of the fame* you have won, your success can never be bought, (not competitive eg music/arts etc)
*ie need "acclaim" in final verse)

3rd Verse

At times (sometimes) I wish someone could, show us that you're not that good, but that's still impossible, you're in your own league (no one's in your league),

and the acclaim (all the fame) and applause (encores), will be eternally yours,       
when the (your)  final chips are down, you (you'll) somehow succeed.

3rd Chorus (final - with fade)

You can have it (win them) all, and everyone can see it too,    (and no one can take that from you, nobody compares with you OR nobody can equal you),
you give us (such) a massive lift,  by sharing your gift,
so amazing but still true, it's incredible what you can do,

From the very start, in an instant, yes we knew,
that you'd be (you were) a superstar, and here you now are,
so amazing but still true, it's incredible what you can do.

[estreet]

It's not my kind of thing, but I think there's quite an accomplished song there that is struggling to come across.  I suspect it's not in a good key for you and the way the vocals are sung quietly works heavily against the idea of the song. I think you should try and find a key you can belt it out a bit in to give an idea of the 'Eye of the Tiger' kind of sentiment that I think you are aiming to express.

I do think the composition is quite possibly strong enough to work as a tune but the lyrics seem to me to be purely sycophantic rather than inspirational or empowering. I have to be honest though that it's a type of song that is a long way away from my personal taste, so the value of my opinion is limited.

[Dutchbeat]

song is good, i think

loved it, but the vocals need to sit more in the music, i mean in the mix

that will make a difference

but good songwriting, Yeah!!!!! brilliant

[Songsmith]

Hi Alex,

yeah, there is a good song in there without doubt but it sounded all a bit jumbley for me really, a bit too much going on only in places, the chorus is strong. So yes it has potential & worth persevering on as it has some really good parts in it. :

[tone]

Hi Alex

There is a good song in there as the other members have said, but I think it needs some work to live up to its potential. The melody & chords are fine, excellent in fact. But the lyrics and phrasing are really undoing your good work.

The way its sung sounds like it's not finished. Some lines are crammed into the spaces the melody allows, meaning they're really rushed and hard to hear. This is a sure fire way to destroy your catchy melody. Other times, the accents of your lyrics don't match the accents of the music, meaning the accented part of the word is moved, causing the word to sound strained, even odd. While you may be able to get away with this once in a song, I don't think you can keep doing it.

Lyrically, I think it needs some work. I know what your song is about, but where's the honest, emotional response to this topic? And also, there's no lyrical development. The first, second and third verses are basically the same thing said three different ways. You've taken a single idea and basically done it to death. A bit of lyrical light and shade would work wonders here.

But as I said, great melody and chords - rock solid foundations for your song.

[Ramshackles]

I dont think the intro works well at all....It's like I just turned on a song part way through. Seems just to launch into it mid-phrase. It might just be because the timing is pretty messed up at the start and doesnt really come together til the drums come in? Maybe just 1 strum on the acoustic guitar for each chord change at the start and repeat the intro guitar twice?
It's really hard to make out the lyrics and to some extent the melody, but people have commented on that...if the vocal performance had a bit more gutso it might come across better.

Lots of energy and could potentially work very well. The chord changes are nice and parts of the melody a really memorable.

The main thing I think that pulls it back is that I dont think you are working within your limits....this kind of song would work great with a full live rock band, but obviously you dont have that. If you try to write within your limits, using what you have and what you can find then I think the songs will start to come out better as a result...maybe it's something as simple as changing the arrangement of your songs, or maybe it's not simple at all.... :S....

[cheff daniel]

nice song, very ray davis


gr.   Dan

[James Nighthawk]

You clearly think very carefully about your work. You employ counterpoints, melodic changes, interesting rhyming patterns, and keep me interested.

My main issue with your work (the two I have heard posted here recently) is that is doesn't feel like you are working in your range, vocally or stylistically. The two tracks posted sound like they want to be pop/rock, but, as stands, you aren't suited to it.

Ideas for the paths you could take; (1) improve your fitting in this genre by moulding your vocal, delivery etc.... (2) Find your own niche in a different sound or style, maintaining the strong writing you clearly have nourished... (3) perhaps find a vocalist to work with that suits the sound you are aiming for (this obviously might go against a singersongwriter aesthetic, should that be your aim)

This is possibly very harsh sounding advice. And it is certainly the most critical I have been on here! Please note I DO like your work, it just doesn't, well, "work" as a sound for me at least. The posts above me seem to agree in many ways. Please,  PLEASE take it for the constructive criticism it is intended to be



Side point; The way you present your lyrics, using a sea of slashes and parentheses, is very difficult to read objectively. Post them fully, even if reposting similar stanzas with the slight changes as the song progresses. It will make scanning A LOT easier!!!

[Schavuitje]

Hiya

It is a funny one to review this. There's a lot in it that I like and as a song I think it's a good one.

There are some nice vocal melodies ( if they were delivered with more energy ) and you have obviously put time and effort

into arranging it....

Iv'e been sat here trying to decide if I would agree with James. I still don't know. In one way I think he has a good point.

It does sound like you are wiritng in a genre that you are really having to work at instead of sounding natural. Then again the

result apart from mainly the vocals is definately good enough for me to have enjoyed it the whole way through.

There are some sounds in there though that are maybe not doing it any favours. Especially the lead guitar which made it sound very

glam rock from the seventies. Maybe that's what your aiming for, if so it worked 

I feel though that with some different sounds, a more up-to-date sound to it. A more modern vibe and this could actually be quite a catchy

and more commercial number. It has that potential. Actually I think that's just the same as what James was saying so I do agree after all haha.

I mean it like James in a constructive and possitive way because the ability AND the song is there for sure.

Good work