[JoaquinAnton]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post so let me say first a couple of words about myself. My name is Joaquin, I am from Spain but currently based in Warsaw, Poland. I have been writing songs for about half a year now. I write songs for my own pleasure mainly but I'd love if to effectively express my emotions so that other people will also enjoy them. English is not my first language so I am aware I have a lot of things to improve.

This is the last song I wrote and I'd like you guys to give me some feedback about it in terms of lyrics, melody, sound structure, performance, and the song as a whole. The recording is quite raw for now so lets not focus on the recording production.

The song is called Jigsaw, and it's a song about love and how it had affected my life:
https://soundcloud.com/joaquin-anton-guirao/joaquin-anton-jigsaw
(or if you prefer a video

)

The lyrics are here:

Joaquin Anton - Jigsaw

The sky seems higher
The air is filled with truth
The winter is warmer
Since I’ve been loving you

My heart’s been running like a wild child
My pores are soaked with youth
This room is on fire
Baby, since I’ve been loving you
Baby, since I love you

The future looks so bright when you arms are clutched around my neck
The last jigsaw puzzle piece is your head pressed to my chest

Hold my hand, I don’t wanna lose your touch
Every time you look at me this way
I wish I could stop the time
Touch my soul with your lips, let me feel something real
Every time I look at you I see
You are everything I need
Since I’ve been loving you
Oh baby since I’ve been loving you

I’ve been putting lines together
I’ve been playing out some tunes
The muses keep staying over
Baby, since I’ve been loving you
Baby, since I love you

The future looks so bright when I wrap my arms around your waist
The last jigsaw puzzle piece is your head pressed to my chest

Hold my hand, I don’t wanna lose your touch
Every time you look at me this way
I wish I could stop the time
Touch my soul with your lips, let me feel something real
Every time I look at you I see
You are everything I need
Since I’ve been loving you
Oh baby since I’ve been loving you

The future looks so bright when I feel your cheeks touching my face
The last jigsaw puzzle piece is your head pressed to my chest

Hold my hand, I don’t wanna lose your touch
Every time you look at me this way
I wish I could stop the time
Touch my soul with your lips, let me feel something real
Every time I look at you I see
You are everything I need
Since I’ve been loving you
Oh baby since I’ve been loving you
Every day seems brand new


Thank you in advance,
Cheers,
Joaquin

[shadowfax]

Have you read the forum guidelines my friend..

[JoaquinAnton]

Have you read the forum guidelines my friend..

I did. Is there anything wrong with my post? If so, I apologize.

[shadowfax]

It's just that if you expect fellow musicians to listen and critique your work it's nice to show you intend to be a full member of the forum by lending an ear to other peoples work before you receive feedback on your own work..

your first post shouldn't be a post expecting feedback...listen and comment on some other members work and they will return the favour

welcome to the forum..hope you stay.

[Steng]

Hi Joaquin,

You sound like you're "in love" my friend? I like the jigsaw idea and I think there's a decent song here. Thing is at the moment it too.............l.......o.....n......g. ( my tunes are usually too long also ). So my advice would be to shorten it to under 4 minutes. I sort of get the melody here and there but it needs to be stronger, it's there but barely. The words are OK but there is one line which is not quite right to my mind, "the future looks so bright when your arms are clutched around my neck" instantly brought up the image of Homer strangling Bart, which I guess is love in a Simpsons kind of way, not sure that's what you wanted though?

Looking forward to hearing how this develops.

Cheers

Steng

[shadowfax]

Bit of a James taylor feel, it's a good song but IMHO it's about 2 mins too long and seems to meander a little..
this song would benefit from a bit of tightening me thinks...

[Martinswede]

Hi Joaquin!

Welcome!

My first language in not English either. At times it's a struggle.
Your song has a nice feel to it but it needs some 'tightness'.
Sometimes the guitar is a bit out of timing.
It has been noted previously that the song is too long.
I agree. The theme doesn't evolve so much so it kind
of goes on repeat. Look for the strongest phrases and
tie them together. The line ' The pores...' is one that I
dislike. I just don't get the metaphor.

You didn't write for how long you've been singing just how
long you've been writing. Practice. Practice. Practice.
It took ten years for me to start writing decent songs
and another five to start posting them. So my final note
is if you write about love you'll never exhaust you inspiration.
On the contrary you'll find life too short to get it all said.

Cheers,
- Martin

[CaliaMoko]

Welcome to the forum, Joaquim!

I have a few thoughts about your piece. First, as has been mentioned a time or two already, it's a bit on the long side, so I agree it could use some tightening up and condensing.

There are several instances in which the words don't feel right to me. Might be just me, so take it with a grain of salt, but here are some examples of where I believe your words could be improved.

First verse:
The sky seems higher. This is certainly different than what I would expect to hear. That may not be a bad thing, as probably too many people have already said "the sky seems bluer" or "the sky seems more clear". So I'm not sure about this line. Maybe okay as is? Maybe there's something better?

The air is filled with truth I'm not getting what you're trying to express with this one. How does "truth" advance your story? I wonder if something like "joy" or "happiness" or even "light" might be closer to the feeling you want? Or maybe "truth" is okay. Again, it isn't over-used...

The winter is warmer This one totally makes sense to me. Not to mention, it's actually true, these days. My winters have been warmer, anyway. But I digress...that has nothing to do with your song. Sorry....  As I was saying, "The winter is warmer" clearly expresses the idea that everything seems better because of your new outlook on life in general.

<<long pause>>

Okay, I got distracted and away from the computer hours ago and just came back now. That's probably enough criticism from me, anyway. The others had some good ideas for you, as well.

Vicki

[Jamie]

Hi, your vocal and guitar playing sound pretty good! I agree with others comments about tightening the song up a bit, although all my songs are too long .
Cheers
Jamie

[Mono Stone]

I like the overall song... nice tune... nice tone to your voice.

For me the only problems are -

- The recording isn't so good...A lot of hiss and it's hard to hear you clearly. But as a quick recording that's fine.

- The main issue is the timing. It wouldn't bother me if you fluffed the playing here n there, but the overall timing is very inconsistent. I can't tap or nod along to it because the tempo is constantly changing. So I think you'd be wise to find a way to steady that when you perform. For recording you could have a click in headphones (I suggest you do that), but for live (and to avoid being too robotic) I think you just need to work on your natural sense of time. I mean if it's natural it might drift a fraction and that's fine... but at the moment I just can't get in the groove.

If this sat into a steady groove I don't think the length would bother me...the song is very nice.

[Skub]

Hi Joaquin,welcome to the forum.

The song is a good solid base and you can use this to tweak and improve.

Because you are Spanish,some of the lyric lines lose a bit in the translation,more or less what Vicki mentioned.

You play confidently and I like your voice,quite reminds me of a younger Cat Stevens in places.

If the song was around 3 minutes long it would carry more impact,I'm trying to follow this code myself,so I know how hard it can be.

[digger72]

Hi Joaquin,

The song sounded very well delivered to me.
The vocal was strong - hints of country, but also singer song writer; David Gray, etc.

It's not my style of music, so I did find it a little tricky to get in to.
I never notice timing issues, unless a drumbeat is involved, so can't really comment on what the others have mentioned.

Welcome to the forum.

Digger

[pompeyjazz]

Hi Joaqim and welcome to the forum. It's good to see that you've been actively reviewing some other stuff here, good for you. I like the emotion you have in this song and there are some lovely Spanish chord changes. There's a hint of Paco de Lucia here. Great strong vocals. Bravo 

[JoaquinAnton]

Hi everyone,

Big thank you to everyone that took the time to listen and comment on my song. It's the first time I got my songs criticized and it was a great exercise. I have a lot of valuable feedback now .

Hi Joaqim and welcome to the forum. It's good to see that you've been actively reviewing some other stuff here, good for you. I like the emotion you have in this song and there are some lovely Spanish chord changes. There's a hint of Paco de Lucia here. Great strong vocals. Bravo 

Thank you pompeyjazz! It wasn't my intention to introduce Spanish elements into the song but I guess we can't hide where we come from

The song sounded very well delivered to me.
The vocal was strong - hints of country, but also singer song writer; David Gray, etc.

Thank you very much! Never heard of him. I'll give it a listen

The song is a good solid base and you can use this to tweak and improve.

Because you are Spanish,some of the lyric lines lose a bit in the translation,more or less what Vicki mentioned.

You play confidently and I like your voice,quite reminds me of a younger Cat Stevens in places.

If the song was around 3 minutes long it would carry more impact,I'm trying to follow this code myself,so I know how hard it can be.

Thank you Skub! The "lost in translation" thing was an eye opener, I have to give it a think. I never thought about it but it is not the first time somebody mentions Cat Stevens after listening to me. I take it as a great compliment. I am definitely shortening the song to around 3 minutes.

I like the overall song... nice tune... nice tone to your voice.

For me the only problems are -

- The recording isn't so good...A lot of hiss and it's hard to hear you clearly. But as a quick recording that's fine.

- The main issue is the timing. It wouldn't bother me if you fluffed the playing here n there, but the overall timing is very inconsistent. I can't tap or nod along to it because the tempo is constantly changing. So I think you'd be wise to find a way to steady that when you perform. For recording you could have a click in headphones (I suggest you do that), but for live (and to avoid being too robotic) I think you just need to work on your natural sense of time. I mean if it's natural it might drift a fraction and that's fine... but at the moment I just can't get in the groove.

If this sat into a steady groove I don't think the length would bother me...the song is very nice.

Thank you Mono Stone! I do agree, the recording is terrible. Hope to do a proper recording of it as soon as possible. I also agree with you about the inconsistent timing, thank you for pointing it out. Hope practice will help with that.

Hi, your vocal and guitar playing sound pretty good! I agree with others comments about tightening the song up a bit, although all my songs are too long .
Cheers
Jamie

Thank you Jamie! I do agree, the song is too long. I am gonna get rid of the bridge and last chorus, since they are not adding much to the song.

Welcome to the forum, Joaquim!

I have a few thoughts about your piece. First, as has been mentioned a time or two already, it's a bit on the long side, so I agree it could use some tightening up and condensing.

There are several instances in which the words don't feel right to me. Might be just me, so take it with a grain of salt, but here are some examples of where I believe your words could be improved.

First verse:
The sky seems higher. This is certainly different than what I would expect to hear. That may not be a bad thing, as probably too many people have already said "the sky seems bluer" or "the sky seems more clear". So I'm not sure about this line. Maybe okay as is? Maybe there's something better?

The air is filled with truth I'm not getting what you're trying to express with this one. How does "truth" advance your story? I wonder if something like "joy" or "happiness" or even "light" might be closer to the feeling you want? Or maybe "truth" is okay. Again, it isn't over-used...

The winter is warmer This one totally makes sense to me. Not to mention, it's actually true, these days. My winters have been warmer, anyway. But I digress...that has nothing to do with your song. Sorry....  As I was saying, "The winter is warmer" clearly expresses the idea that everything seems better because of your new outlook on life in general.

<<long pause>>

Okay, I got distracted and away from the computer hours ago and just came back now. That's probably enough criticism from me, anyway. The others had some good ideas for you, as well.

Vicki

Thank you Vicki for your thorough review. Your comments made me think a lot. Seems that the meaning of some lines can get lost because of cultural background differences (on top of the fact that I am not a native speaker). For example, "The air is filled with truth" makes a lot of sense to me. I think that love and truth are closely related.  Here truth symbolizes honesty and purity of feelings. It also symbolizes my view that life seems more meaningful now. That being said, perhaps I am using the word truth this way because of references to it in Spanish poetry. The fact that you guys don't understand it the same way made me think .

My first language in not English either. At times it's a struggle.
Your song has a nice feel to it but it needs some 'tightness'.
Sometimes the guitar is a bit out of timing.
It has been noted previously that the song is too long.
I agree. The theme doesn't evolve so much so it kind
of goes on repeat. Look for the strongest phrases and
tie them together. The line ' The pores...' is one that I
dislike. I just don't get the metaphor.

You didn't write for how long you've been singing just how
long you've been writing. Practice. Practice. Practice.
It took ten years for me to start writing decent songs
and another five to start posting them. So my final note
is if you write about love you'll never exhaust you inspiration.
On the contrary you'll find life too short to get it all said.

Cheers,
- Martin

Thanks a lot Martin! I've been singing since I was a teen (I'm 29 now), but never done it very seriously. I agree, a lot of practice is needed. As I mentioned earlier, I am going to trim the song, thanks for the advice.

Bit of a James taylor feel, it's a good song but IMHO it's about 2 mins too long and seems to meander a little..
this song would benefit from a bit of tightening me thinks...

Thanks shadowfax! Agree, I will make it shorter.

You sound like you're "in love" my friend? I like the jigsaw idea and I think there's a decent song here. Thing is at the moment it too.............l.......o.....n......g. ( my tunes are usually too long also ). So my advice would be to shorten it to under 4 minutes. I sort of get the melody here and there but it needs to be stronger, it's there but barely. The words are OK but there is one line which is not quite right to my mind, "the future looks so bright when your arms are clutched around my neck" instantly brought up the image of Homer strangling Bart, which I guess is love in a Simpsons kind of way, not sure that's what you wanted though?

Thanks a lot Steng! Your comment about the "clutched" arms got me thinking too. I didn't want to use the word "wrapped". I was considering saying ".. your arms are latched around my neck". Any thoughts about that? About the song length, I agree, I am gonna leave out the instrumental bridge and the last pre-chorus/chorus since it is not adding much to the song.


Again, a big thank you to all of you for welcoming to the forum.
Cheers,
Joaquin

[Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra]

One thing i would get sorted out would be the repeated hook line. We all love something to fix on to in a song so I'd want that line to be highlighted more somehow and more consistent throughout...so 'since I've been loving you' every time not 'since I love you'. Now I've just noticed that this isn't the title...anyway it's a repeated part!

in fact I would be doing some chopping here and keeping everything more concise....it's a bit long to hold the interest (I know I can't talk!)

Otherwise it sounds fine. If it was mine I'd want to concentrate on that hook line and the repeated 'future looks bright' section to showcase them more so they become the landmarks for the song which they should be.

I see now that I am more or less repeating what the others have said but I wrote it before I read the other comments. Yes now I can get the Cat Stevens reference...can't be a bad thing!