[hardtwistmusic]

Sorry for posting so soon after my last one.  I'd been trying not to write as much for about the last few months.... and several songs just kind of "tumbled out" at once.  

Fortuitous accidents account for a lot of my lyrical ideas.  

Fortuitous Accident # 1.  ---  I visited a young lady’s Reverbnation site, and saw a song labelled “I wish I was her.”  But I misread it as “I wish I was here.” I was blown away by the concept.  

I soooooo wished I had thought of that myself, because I can’t (in good conscience) use if after she already had.  Imagine my mood when I found out that it WAS available and I’d misread her title.  

Fortuitous Accident # 2.  I had no thought in my mind about this becoming about addiction in any way.  Through several lines it simply began drifting that way on it’s own.  It’s a much better lyric (I think) than I intended to write because of that “drift toward chemicals.”  

                            I Wish I Was Here

VERSE ONE:
I’ve been drinking myself to sleep every night  ---  Forgot how it feels to be sober.  
I blamed you for leavin, denied I was grievin. --- Now you’re back and the pain should be over.  
After all that crying, whining and drinking,  ---   Martyred feelings and negative thinking.    
Drowning myself in whiskey, pity, and beer.  ---- And now, blue skies are back again....
I just wish I was here.

CHORUS:  
Seeing it all through a veil of fear.  There's just so much at stake.
I'm afraid you'll see through me as I fade out to opaque.  
Now I have what I hold dear.   I just wish I was here.  
I've gotten back everything I held dear....  I just wish I was here.


BRIDGE:
When I’m drunk I don’t feel anything.  When I’m sober I just feel lost.  
I’ve gotta get back to how I used to feel, but I know there’s a terrible cost.
I blamed you for leavin, denied I was grievin. Now you’re back and the pain should be over.  
Happy days could be here again. If I could just stay sober.


VERSE TWO:

Am I trapped in some old memory, or lost in some old dream
I have given up becoming all the things I might have been
I can't remember happiness, just disappointment and fear
Can't break out of my own damned head.  God, how I wish I was here.
(courtesy of help from Igg)

CHORUS:  
Seeing it all through a veil of fear.  There's just so much at stake.
I'm afraid you'll see through me as I fade out to opaque.  
Now I have what I hold dear.   I just wish I was here.  
I've gotten back everything I held dear....  I just wish I was here.

Verse 3: 
I wanna be here in love with you, instead of being lost and alone.
But I'm Lost in an unending chemical haze like a ghost in the phantom zone.
There’s a welcome back party in your honor tonight.  I’m drinking to get my head right.  
It’s a wonderful party with music, dancin and beer.
Everyone’s having a wonderful time.   I sure wish I was here.  

BRIDGE to out:  
When I’m drunk I don’t feel anything.  When I’m sober I just feel lost.  
I’ve gotta get back to how I used to feel, but I know there’s a terrible cost.
I can't remember happiness, just disappointment and fear
Trapped inside my own damned head.  God, how I wish I was here.

[josemar]

man that's a good title concept etc.....Wish I Was Here....

I did a lyric last  year called Wish You Were Here, about a a guy dying and getting to heaven.....and wishing his lady was up there....I dunno a bit pie in the sky idea...

[CarylA]

I really like the concept and the content of the lyrics. I like the repeating hook. I also like the way you repeated "I blamed you for leavin, denied I was grievin" in the bridge.

The only bit I'm not sure on is in the chorus with the line 'I'm overloaded with fear'. Just feels a bit clunky with the word overloaded. Just something to think about.

[CaliaMoko]

I think this is great! I'm anxious...no, make that eager to hear it set to music.

I have some ideas you can take or leave:

1. First line: Forgotten how it feels to be sober
For some  reason "forgotten" doesn't fit for me. I hear "Forgot" in its place.

2. First line of chorus: There’s nothing to fear but fear itself
Too, um, obvious? Or trite, maybe? I do like the rest of that line a lot, though: but I’m overloaded with fear.

3. The rhythms in the second half of verse 2 seem out of sync with the first verse and first half of verse 2, but once it's in the musical setting maybe that won't be an issue.

I think that's it. I look forward to hearing it.

Vicki

[hardtwistmusic]

man that's a good title concept etc.....Wish I Was Here....

I did a lyric last  year called Wish You Were Here, about a a guy dying and getting to heaven.....and wishing his lady was up there....I dunno a bit pie in the sky idea...

Thank you for the review and the encouragement. 

I would suggest that you submit your song here -- even if it's incomplete in your mind. 

People will gently tell you what is wrong, and will gently offer ideas to make it stronger. 

I never hesitate to submit stuff I know (or think) might need improvement.  Good to hear from you and welcome to this marvelous forum.

[hardtwistmusic]

The only bit I'm not sure on is in the chorus with the line 'I'm overloaded with fear'. Just feels a bit clunky with the word overloaded. Just something to think about.

That "clunky sound" is one of the things I usually wait till I'm setting the song to music to deal with.  Reason is that until I'm actually singing it to music, I can't really tell just how clunky it is.  Most songs change (some change substantially) when music is added. 

I am grateful for your input, and will definitely keep it in mind. 

[hardtwistmusic]

I think this is great! I'm anxious...no, make that eager to hear it set to music.

I have some ideas you can take or leave:

1. First line: Forgotten how it feels to be sober
For some  reason "forgotten" doesn't fit for me. I hear "Forgot" in its place.

2. First line of chorus: There’s nothing to fear but fear itself
Too, um, obvious? Or trite, maybe? I do like the rest of that line a lot, though: but I’m overloaded with fear.

3. The rhythms in the second half of verse 2 seem out of sync with the first verse and first half of verse 2, but once it's in the musical setting maybe that won't be an issue.

I think that's it. I look forward to hearing it.

Vicki

Hi Vicky:   Thanks for the input.  As you know, I'll consider each suggestion.  Regarding the rhythms in  verse 2....  I wrote this to a cadence I might or might not use.  It worked with the cadence I was using, but definitely had some "crowding" that occurred.   I'll keep an eye on it when (if) I write music.  I was kind of hoping someone else would take this and run with it.  I'll probably post it in "collaborations" soon. 

[CarylA]

That "clunky sound" is one of the things I usually wait till I'm setting the song to music to deal with.  Reason is that until I'm actually singing it to music, I can't really tell just how clunky it is.  Most songs change (some change substantially) when music is added. 

I am grateful for your input, and will definitely keep it in mind. 

Yeah, I agree about the music stage. That's where you test how well your lyrics flow. I'll trust that you've got a plan. Are you going to write some music for it? I'd be interested to hear it.

[diademgrove]

Hi Verlon,

great set of lyrics. In my head I don't think the young lady has returned, its all in his head and wishful thinking due to the booze and drugs.

I hear two voices for the vocal, like you are having a conversation with yourself. Its the hyphens that did it.

Looking forward to hearing them set to music.

Keith

[hardtwistmusic]

I'll trust that you've got a plan. Are you going to write some music for it?

"Plan" is a stronger word than applies when I write.  I always have an idea, but try to avoid "plans." 

I tend to "bind myself up" when I try to make a song go a direction.  What works best for me is to leave the whole thing free to go a different direction right up until the song demands that we go with a direction. 

I'm often surprised at what I eventually end up with. 

[igg]

Verlon,

These will be just a series of comments and questions that come up for me in reading your lyrics....please take them in the spirit of positive feedback, because that's the way I intend them....

In the first verse:
You say "You've come back and it's over (that sounds ominous)
followed by   "And now, blue skies are back again....and then..... I just wish I was here
How do those things fit together?

In the chorus:
"There’s nothing to fear but fear itself,  but I’m overloaded with fear."
What is he afraid of exactly?

Verse 2
Is the chemical haze frightening? ---  probably more like deadening...or more anxiety relieving... As you say in the bridge... "When I’m drunk I don’t feel anything"

What sort of things are going on in his head to prevent him from being "here"....What are the fears?

Describe how he used to feel ....so that we can understand what he wants to get back to.....

I know I've raised a lot of questions.....but I feel that there is a good song here....but it seems you got infatuated with the tag line "I wish I were here".....and though I think it's a great line ,  I think the song needs a little more structure...

outlining how it felt to be in love....
what happened to change that....
what fears stand in the way...etc.  

a great story arc can emerge....

I really respect your work and your efforts to excel as a songwriter.....so I'm just criticizing in the same way that I do for my own work!!

igg

[olivergearing]

Hi Verlon,

I've read your lyrics, and the comments, and have a few comments. I agree with you that there will be significant changes as the music comes, for me that is one of the most satisfying parts of the creative process of a song; watching it come together.

I blamed you for leavin, denied I was grievin.

Great line, agree that it is satisfying to hear. You use it again later, a suggestion might be to progress the line a bit, get some movement in the story. E.g. "Still blame you for leaving", or "now you blame me for leaving"?

There’s nothing to fear but fear itself,  but I’m overloaded with fear.

Agree it feels clunky or heavy. I think once the music is there you could play around with this. Sometimes repeated words sound really strong, sometimes too much! Will depend on the music. If it still doesn't work then get out the good old thesaurus I say!

Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, Lord,

Probably stylistic, but didn't feel it fitted within the story that well. Again, might come across totally different with the melody!

I sure wish I was here.

Great concept, intriguing title, and I think definitely worth investing time in this song to get it nailed. Look forward to hearing once recorded mate

Cheers

[adamfarr]

Hi Verlon
The concept seems great and I can definitely hear the song here. There is quite a lot of telling not showing which might make this a bit impersonal but it's hard to suggest images or details (you probably have a good vision of the character and scene anyway so may already know).

Something I missed was a greater feeling of helplessness - fear may be the reason to start drinking (etc.) but perhaps the real story is how to stop?

My few cents would be to try work in some different emotions e.g.:

- martyred guilty feelings or helpless feelings
- lost trapped in a frightening hopeless chemical haze
-  Everybody’s having a wonderful time. Feels like I'm watching from another time (or something else suggesting being on the outside looking in!)
- When I’m drunk I don’t feel anything.  When I’m sober I just feel lost. Craving the loathing of feeling high. Dreading emerging to loss (not quite there, but I think those sorts of paradoxes could work well here!)

Hope you can take something from all this... Or not, depending on how you go with any of the other suggestions.

All the best
Adam

[hardtwistmusic]

Hi Verlon,

In my head I don't think the young lady has returned, its all in his head and wishful thinking due to the booze and drugs.

Keith

One of the coolest things for me when I write a lyric is when someone "hears" something entirely different than I think I said.  What makes it cool is that the listener's perceptions are actually every bit as valid as the writer's.   Your perception has added a whole new dimension to the song for me. 

[hardtwistmusic]

Verlon,

These will be just a series of comments and questions that come up for me in reading your lyrics....please take them in the spirit of positive feedback, because that's the way I intend them....

In the first verse:
You say "You've come back and it's over (that sounds ominous)
followed by   "And now, blue skies are back again....and then..... I just wish I was here
How do those things fit together?

In the chorus:
"There’s nothing to fear but fear itself,  but I’m overloaded with fear."
What is he afraid of exactly?

Verse 2
Is the chemical haze frightening? ---  probably more like deadening...or more anxiety relieving... As you say in the bridge... "When I’m drunk I don’t feel anything"

What sort of things are going on in his head to prevent him from being "here"....What are the fears?

Describe how he used to feel ....so that we can understand what he wants to get back to.....

I know I've raised a lot of questions.....but I feel that there is a good song here....but it seems you got infatuated with the tag line "I wish I were here".....and though I think it's a great line ,  I think the song needs a little more structure...

outlining how it felt to be in love....
what happened to change that....
what fears stand in the way...etc.  

a great story arc can emerge....

I really respect your work and your efforts to excel as a songwriter.....so I'm just criticizing in the same way that I do for my own work!!

igg

I immediately used two of your suggestions.  Over time, I'll see how the others might work in.  Time and persistence is a key element of how I write lyrics.  AND... (of course) input.