konalavadome

Everyday rain

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Vintage54

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« on: October 14, 2015, 08:18:49 PM »

                                 Everyday rain.

                Two loose end kids on the corner
                Of a night that dragged like a chain
                Decided to go for a joyride
                To shake off the everyday rain

                Two idle hands inside handcuffs
                For setting a warehouse aflame
                His only reply, when they asked him why
                Was, "Because of the everyday rain

                Some people can't handle the humdrum
                But it's something that has to be done
                You've just got to live with the everyday rain
                And catch the occasional sun

                The drunkard opens a bottle
                The junkie opens a vein
                The young girl opens her legs, not for love
                But to shake off the everyday rain

                Housewife with a broken down marriage
                Goes down to the chemist again
                And picks up more anti depressants
                To shake off the everyday rain

                Some people can't handle the humdrum
                But it's something that has to be done
                You've just got to live with the everyday rain
                And catch the occasional sun

                There's some flowers that long ago faded
                By a hole, in a fence, down a lane
                And two joyriders lying, neath six feet of earth
                Who shook off the everyday rain.



                              Vintage54

PaulAds

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« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2015, 08:37:26 PM »
Fantastic...I love it!

A wonderful piece of writing...I'm embarrassed to have some of my drivel on the same forum :)
heart of stone, feet of clay, knob of butter

Vintage54

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« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2015, 10:37:14 PM »

     Thanks man!
          The guy that wrote "The worlds end" has no need to be embarrased about anything. It stands with the best that iv'e seen on here, since i arrived a year or so ago.

                 Thanks again

   PS  your last post was pretty good too, still catching up.

Neil C

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« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2015, 11:07:26 PM »
Clever concept and title vintage. Great first verse grabs attention and the third is particularly succinct and impactful.
Interesting how you change where the title is positioned between verses and choruses. Love the way you tell little vinegrettes in verses in your lyrics and this one had powerful reprise for the last one. Sharp.
 :)
Neil
songwriter of no repute..

EpiphoneEpiphany

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« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2015, 09:43:17 AM »
wow.. this works really great as a poem

and the repetition of everyday rain in every verse is good, it makes you feel like it happens everyday while reading the lyric

good stuff :)

EE

lillypilly

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« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2015, 04:25:18 PM »
EpiphoneEpiphany said it for me Vintage, it would read so really well as a poem

punchy and to the point, very much like it indeed    ;)

Paulski

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« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2015, 04:44:40 PM »

Good stuff Vintage!

Esp liked the "dragged like a chain" simile  ;D
And what's this? A chorus! Nice to see that in there. Could also be a double bridge or Part B section to counterpoint the verses..
My only nit was the "opens her legs" phrase - seemed a tad crass in the context - maybe "opens her heart" would lower the rating to GP ? Could be just me though..

Good work!
Paul

igg

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« Reply #7 on: October 15, 2015, 05:28:14 PM »
Hi Vintage,

I like it.....  the flow of ideas in the verses underscored with the repetition of the chorus.  Certainly gets the melancholy flavor across. 
I have a few nits with the meter but probably my own preferences for flow. 
The only line that really stuck out was "inside handcuffs".  I think some variant of "bound up in handcuffs" would convey the constraint more vividly. 
Really enjoyed this ....  Such a pleasure to read a well developed and emotionally focused theme...

Cheers,
igg

adamfarr

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« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2015, 09:04:25 PM »
Brilliant stuff! I almost wonder if too much great material to choose from and it might turn out to be a really long song. Could be wrong as depends on so many things (and length should be as long as it needs to be anyway). The 'open' section is really good but with its different feel maybe sounds more like a middle 8...

The verses are all really strong - so what would you do if you absolutely had to drop something? I would say the ones with "two" are the real keepers and maintain a theme. That leaves the 'housewife' section - it's still great but possibly if you were really pushed and had to lose anything not as super-strong as the others.

Sorry, bit of a ramble - I'll shut up - keep everything - grew talent on show here!

johnlondon

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« Reply #9 on: October 18, 2015, 10:28:43 PM »
Another enjoyable, thought provoking read V54. Hook in the last verse, excellent. One of your poems rather than a song, its rhythm and  metre are textbook and the verses sing themselves.
I came in from the wilderness a creature void of forum

LeeH

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« Reply #10 on: October 26, 2015, 10:15:49 PM »
Hi!! I love this! I agree with previous posts that this makes an excellent poem! I like the story of it and how it flows together!! Catches my attention!

Lee