[Neil C]

Here's a lyrical co-write which we each took turns to a line to write, be interested in any thoughts and suggestions.
 
Neil

Finding my senses

Love is born blind then learns how to see
A heart unrefined which longs to be free
But freedom costs, is so easily lost
Maybe that's what’s bothering me
Love is born blind then learns how to see

Will I find my senses? Or will they find me?
Should I abandon my defenses and set sail on fortunes seas?

Love is born deaf then learns how to hear
A song that when sung speaks to more than the ear
Tales that unfold with melody bold
Wondering when you will be near
Love is born deaf then learns how to hear

Will I find my senses? Or will they find me?
Should I abandon my defenses and set sail on fortunes seas

The taste of your lips cant be washed away
The scent on your neck my memory plays, it plays, how it plays

The touch of your cheek still fresh on my face
Nobody else can take your place
Till I see you again I need to numb all this pain
Recall your warm embrace
The touch of your cheek still fresh on my face

Will I find my senses? Or will they find me?
Should I abandon my defenses and set sail on fortunes seas

Will I find my senses? Or will they find me?
Should I abandon my defenses and set sail on fortunes seas

C 2015 Traynor/New/Connor
  

[johnlondon]

Hello Neil,

Very good lyrics these, good structure, good rhyme schemes, clearly written by someone writing with the music already in mind.

However because they`re so good  I`m going to be harsh. The third couplet last line has the word `of` near the end, it makes the phrase nonsense. Its probably a typo but it really needs to go. In the first verse which is generally excellent by the way. The middle line is not coherent, I think I understand what you`re trying to express, but its not clear.

“But freedom cost is so easily lost”

A suggestion, something like,

“But freedom once lost, is a heavy cost”.

It saves the rhyme scheme and no extra syllables, just a thought.

Theme is excellent and will make an excellent song, good luck with the music. Look forward to hearing it.

[Neil C]

John, thanks a lot. Interestingly it was written and completed before any music was put to it. The three of us had just been on a songwriting course, where one of the messages was having a strong rhyming scheme. We did this by email a line at a time but it seems to have working and was very efficient.
Good spot on 3rd line will change that, but I'm clearly being a bit dim here and can't spot the 'of' on the third line last couplet, can you show we? The only place I can see it is in the third verse.
Thanks again.
 
Neil

[johnlondon]

Hi Neil,

Its this line matey,

"The scent on your neck my memory plays, it plays of it plays"

[Neil C]

Thanks that's great especially as it's just a typo, it should read 'it plays and it plays'
 
Neil

[Vintage54]

   Hi Neil,
      A winner on my betting slip. Not gonna pick holes in this, i could pick holes in plenty of my own. Love it man, thats all i wanna say, and thats all that needs to be said. All you people out there, enjoy!.

                        Vintage54

[EpiphoneEpiphany]

hi

nice, esp. the internal rhyme in the 3rd line of every verse, probably written by the same person(?) or you just all stuck to the rhyme scheme very well like you said

cheers

EE

[Neil C]

Vintage, thanks a lot for that encouraging feedback, great that you liked it.
Ee, cheers no we just stuck the the rhyming scheme, which follows the model that's used in limericks, with an additional line in it.
Now to do the lyrics justice..
 
Neil

[adamfarr]

Works great for me. I am a fan of internal rhymes - I think it's almost more of a hip-hop thing but really adds texture and shape to sung lyrics and de-emphasises that stress on the last syllable which can sound trite. Alex Turner does it lots. Hard to pull off consistently and here it works well.

I wondered if "Will I come to my senses" might work - it's more natural language... Slightly different meaning though.

Anyhow, good stuff!

[Paulski]

Hi Neil

Good work here.
I liked the repeating first and last line in the verses - a good device, that.
This line stood out to me as slightly cliché:

Nobody else can take your place

My only other nit is the use of questions in the lyric - always tough to sing conversationally IMO but I'm sure you'll nail it.

cheers
Paul