[PaulAds]

Ive just written these lyrics this morning

It follows on from a thread from another song (Wolfini - All that remains) where I'd suggested the idea of a robot with a tear rolling down its cheek...a bit corny, I know...

A very rough first draft...any help/thoughts welcome  

not sure whether to pull the "comedy" lines and make it really sad?

<control-alt-delete>

I have my logic
To keep me warm
Was I just any FireWire
port in a storm?

You left me here facing
another reboot
The thought of you leaving
does not compute

An exact simulation
A digital fervour
I'd love you but somehow
Cannot find server

I told you I'd change
You promised you'd wait
You can't leave me now
I'm installing an update

Sometimes I feel
My stack overflow
You say that it's over
Computer says "no"

Now you don't want me
To be by your side
Password rejected
Access denied

CPU overload
Diagnostics complete
You leave me no option
<control alt delete>

[Reece!]

Hey,

Neat song. I like the several metaphors within it. Also like the rhyme scheme.

Reece

[PaulAds]

ta Reece...it's very early days...but it's one i fancy working on...cheers

[Reece!]

You're welcome,

I've got a lyric written called Die Happy Tonight, would you mind reviewing that?

[johnlondon]

Hello Paul,
 
Another good one, tight with the lyrics, They must charge songwriters for words up your way. You have written a comedy song mate, no escaping that. But you can still have the tragic ending, that works.


Only issue, last lines of V3, reads awkwardly to me. “I`d love you, but cannot, login to your server”. would be more coherent to my admittedly inexperienced ears.

Look forward to you getting your guitars and ron wicksos drums round this.

[PaulAds]

Hi John

thanks, mate...i was trying to use regular computer errors to convey his failure to understand the situation - "cannot find server" being a pretty common one for a lost internet connection...its a bit clumsy, to say the least 

i think several lines will have to be re-written...but it's sparked me into life a bit...so i'm grateful for that!

i'll update it as i go along...thanks for the encouragement!

[Paulski]

Hey Paul

I loved this!
Last verse and how you resolve to the hook is brilliant!
Could be a "Mr Roboto" kind of song - can't wait to hear it!

Paul

[shadowfax]

Brilliant lyrics mate..just brilliant.. don't change em..

[PaulAds]

Aw...thanks, fellas!

It's funny...i can agonise over stuff and come up with garbage...then toss out something better at random...maybe it's just more natural...I dunno...

I'm either trying too hard or not trying at all...this was a fairly productive half hour in between.

Now for a tune...hmmm

[igg]

Hi Paul,

The concept is a cool one.  It feels good when one idea sets the whole room aglow?

I like the 2nd , and especially the next to last and last verses.  The story through the other verses works but IMHO the other verses need tightening up..... but of course you already knew that!!!
Good absurd stuff....Well done!!!

igg

[PaulAds]

i added some more verses today ...i'll probably then root out the poorest ones...and try to sort them into some kind of order

i thought it might be fun to watch it grow all the way into a recorded song

<control-alt-delete> v2

I have my logic
To keep me warm
Was I just any parallel  
port in a storm?

What is now incompatible  
Used to be cute
The thought of you leaving
does not compute

I remember the hot nights
the tears and the smiles
I never forget
temporary internet files

What's not to love?
I can't understand
The warmth of my heat sink?
the whir of my fan?

The first time we face timed
It was just plug and play
But now this syncing feeling
Takes up most of my day

I keep getting reports of a
Networking fail
You keep checking your inbox
I suspect you've got male

I've eaten all your cookies
I've  cleaned out your cache
and to thank me you drag me
Into the trash

If I boot into safe mode
Can we try it once more?
With the last working backup
And a system restore

A binary maelstrom
Of digital fervour
Grinds to a halt
Cannot find server

I told you I'd change
You promised you'd wait
You can't leave me now
I'm installing an update

I don't have emotions
I prefer Wikipedia
I can import some passion
From removable media

Now you just sit and watch
My stack overflow
You say that it's over
Computer says "no"

I'm wasting my battery
You're wasting your breath
We're just one click away
From the blue screen of death

Now you don't want me
Bill Gates knows I've tried
Password rejected
Access denied

CPU overload
Diagnostics complete
You leave me no option
<control alt delete>

[adamfarr]

syncing feeling! You've got male!

Some really great stuff in here - can imagine hearing this live in a boozy folk club.

Question is will you go for a chorus - there are surely some bits here that would bear repitition - my money could be on putting the I've eaten all your cookies section followed by Sometimes I feel.

And thanks for letting us into the process - next step eagerly anticipated!

[igg]

Paul,

I was looking over the song once again and felt that the music will really drive the form on this. 
The energetic staccato verses will contrast well with a more relaxed framing of a chorus.  I think the chorus might serve as a larger context that sets up the story.....or sums up your feelings about it.
I'm just thinking rhythmically here.....

I find in my own stuff.... moving from clever lines to something that resonates emotionally is the big payoff...

Good stuff,
igg

[EpiphoneEpiphany]

hi

nice, made me laugh

I imagined it similar to "fitter happier" by radiohead

EE