[Paulski]

Thought I'd have a go at story telling - I hope it worked.
Any comments appreciated - thx

The Hunted
Copyright 2015 Tennyson Road Music

He could hear the big dogs howlin'
He could hear the humans shout
Pretty soon they'd reach the valley
And they'd be here to flush him out

There are few that could imagine
What goes through a fox's mind
When the hunter is the hunted
And he's runnin' for his life

Through the pines he dodged and scurried
His burning paws could feel the pins
But he was sure that if he hurried
That no gun could train on him

But a predator gets worried
If he's on the other side
When the hunter is the hunted
And he's runnin' for his life

{solo}

Now the hounds were getting closer
But his lungs could barely pant
And the pain that gripped his shoulder
Said he'd have to make a stand

Yeah, he'd have to make a stand...

{br}
Like a fly looks at a spider
When he knows that he's been caught
He watched a rugged hunter
Kneel to get a better shot...
But something stirred inside him
When he heard that rifle jam...
He turned
He jumped
He landed
And he was free to hunt again!

Now, the moral of this story
Is to never give up fight
When the hunter is the hunted
And you're runnin' for your life

Yeah, the moral of this story
Is to never give up fight
When the hunter is the hunted
And you're runnin' for your life

[Vintage54]

     Oh Yes!
         Really like this man, i cannot find fault, apart from the fact that guns don't play a part in the hunt in dear old England. The poor old fox is left to the teeth of the hounds. Sad bastards on horseback that need something else to do. Great write, and love the moral. The spider and the fly line, is just dandy.

                          Thanks man
                             Vintage54

                               

[tomcrocus]

Yes Paul i really like this one,it's got a fable like feel to it,
yeah as Vintage says we don't do guns in this country we
just let the blue bloods rip the fuckers apart,
                                                            nice write,
                                                                           tom.

[Neil C]

Paul,
Indeed as the wise men says, lots to like.
Great first verse sets it up really well and the rest doesn't disappoint, with the turnaround towards the end.
interesting to see how you deal with the chorus musically with the 4 lines of which the first pair change - or are the pre-chorus?
Anyway i know you find a great setting for this.
 
Neil 

[johnlondon]

Excellent Paul, the point is to tell the story and you achieve that well. Character (the fox) plus action (the chase) equals plot. It has a beginning, middle and ends with a moral.

Personally I don't like foxes, my dogs find their poo everywhere and love to roll around in it. Its very stinky and the dogs have to be bathed. However I`m glad your hero lived to hunt another day, I`m not a fan of hunting.

I`ll be waiting for the musical version, which I`m sure you`ll execute perfectly, unless something jams.

[igg]

Hi Paul,

I like the structure and the story.  I think it could be more compelling if you changed the tense to present to bring the listener into the action....

Just my take on bringing up some more heat....

He can hear the big dogs howlin'
Hears the men behind that shout
Pretty soon they'll reach the valley
Coming here to flush him out

Always a pleasure to read your stuff.......Good work!!

[hardtwistmusic]

I felt that this was a very skilfully told story. 

One thing hit me early in the lyric.   I was disappointed to find out so early in the lyric that it's a fox and not a human being being hunted.  I felt that there was a chance to fix a "hunted human convict" (for instance as the "hunted" and then, - much later in the song - reveal that it's a fox.  My thought process was that it was "just a fox" when it was revealed so early. 

That would take advantage of our tendency as humans to identify more fully with a "human victim" than with a victim of another species.   I felt that you kind of "let us (listeners/readers) off the hook too early by revealing the species of the hunted so early in the lyric. 

It's a good lyric no matter what.  I hope this helps.   

[irwin]

Interesting lyric and like Hardtwistmusic said that he felt that this was a very skilfully told story I myself felt the same.

Good write Paul.

Irwin

[seriousfun]

Really nice lyric this however two points have been made that could improve it imho. As Igg suggested, it would be more accesible if the currebt tense were fully emphasised, sort of let the listener run with the fox. And secondly I too originally thought it was a convict that was running at the start and I think the reality was revealled too early in the piece.

I wouldnt worry about the fact that the english have no guns, the Americans have more than enough to make up for their shortfall.

Loved this.

Allan.

[RosilindSings]

I loved this lyric. I can sense some folk elements in it or traditional country. I do however urge you to take out the last ending which you wrote twice. Once makes a bigger impact seeing it twice just Dosent really make sense to me. Also i saw in the comments that someone felt it would be better in present tense. I know everyonr has a right to their opinion but trust me i think the way you have it is spot on. Great write. Nothing to really complain about. Be proud of this piece.

[lillypilly]

It did not bother me at all that it was a fox early on in the lyric, gave a chance to bring out a fox perspective perhaps
I thought the structure was excellent, but felt that you did to need the repeat lines at the end as if people are listening to the song they don't need to hear it twice

[Paulski]

Cheers everyone for the great feedback - all taken on board.
I'll think about present tense and maybe saving the fox's identity until later though I don't want to confuse the listener so would have to be careful. Taking out the repeat at the end will be easy!

thanks again
Paul