[nooms]

this is a bit lively paul..
‘tight but looose’ ! and im totally sold on that gtr sound
i liked the mix tho be interested to hear what the changes are
like your lyric & the life in the vocal. you are present !
in your head are you still writing for the band ?
could easily imagine this live on stage..
good stuff its kicking !

[Yodasdad]

Hi,

There's nowt too wrong with this, you may be fairly new to the forum but it doesn't sound like you're a newbie songwriter, to me anyway.

I didn't hear the original version so I can't compare the two.

At first I thought that the chorus and verses sounded a bit too similar but as the song progressed I could hear the distinction and began to remember the chorus. I think this similarity comes from the fact that the chorus starts on the same chord (I think) and lyric as the verse. It does work as it is but this might be an area I would look at if I wanted to work on anything but as I m listening to it again as I'm writing it seems to be working more and more. Maybe it's just one of those songs for me that needs more than one listen.

Good work here, I agree with the comments about the 90's feel of the guitar, I'm getting the La's or the Rembrandt's

Yodasdad.

[PaulAds]

thanks Nooms! i'll always think in terms of there being a band...i've always loved playing bass and play drums a bit too. I used Ron Wikso (Total Control Audio) drum loops here...as i love them and my drumming's not really up to scratch.

and Yodasdad...thanks very much for that too

the verses are Bm-Fm-A-A#dim7(?)
and the chorus is Cmaj7(3rd fret) Dmaj7 (5th fret) Cmaj7-Dmaj7 Cmaj7-A6-D

i think 

and yes...i wrote a dozen or so songs when i was about 18 but threw the towel in and formed a covers band in order to eat... i recently left to have a go at writing again...29 years later. These are all new songs i'm writing as i go.

there's a single electric (rickenbacker) guitar track which i doubled, using two different presets in GarageBand...pleased it seemed to work ok 

[Paulski]

Yep - loved the energy and the super vocals in this - they sound like the right level to me.
Lyrically solid but after a while seems like the singer is complaining a bit too much about whoever he's singing to. Maybe a bridge lyric would have broken that up just a bit.
But that's just me not-picking a great song so feel free to ignore
Nice work, Paul!

Paul

[PaulAds]

Thanks Paul...i'm singing about myself, to be honest with you.

[Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra]

Really enjoyed this one. Song style sounds kind of late 70s...don't know who..definitely British...The Jam maybe....someone with a bit of attitude anyway.

Song itself is nicely put together musically and lyrically. Guitar playing is good and the guitar sound is great. Vocal sounds like he means it.

Build of the song is nicely worked I think.....tricky to get right i know.....some have said it's a bit long but what do you cut?  Maybe, as the verses are 4 lots of 2 lines which do the same thing essentially, there's scope to get to the 2nd chorus a bit sooner now that the song's been set up and is running....?

Bridge is just right followed by short solo (nice!) then there's also scope after that to build more quickly to the last chorus repeat (often works well I think...now that we know what's coming why not get there a bit earlier, especially if you want to repeat chorus to finish)

And the chorus is strong enough to do this (repeat). The verse lines are also good but i'm sure you could lose a couple without hurting the song.

Another thought to keep interest level high (presumably this is why some think it might be a bit too long) is to go up a gear somehow for those final 2 choruses.....don't know how..a bit more energy in the vocal?...some snarling?!....something.

I'm not knocking the song. It's one of the best I've heard on here for a while. It's only because I really like it that I'm trying to think of ways to make it even better!

Good stuff.

[tboswell]

Good jangly rocker very enjoyable. Sounds a bit like a lost track from the 2nd Big Star album Radio City, and that is real compliment from me :-)

The only thing that occurred while listening was that the volume level is very high all the way and I wondered if it would benefit from coming down at some point for some contrast.

But that is nit picking, it's a great song really well performed.

[PaulAds]

Thanks VC...I love the jam...'twas always a toss-up between them and the clash as my #1 band...so that's spookily accurate and very kind of you. Day made. I've toyed with a couple of your excellent suggestions...I may re-record it at some point...I can edit it in GarageBand easily enough...but I sometimes feel like I'm losing the narrative a bit both lyrically and playing-wise. Food for thought, though :-)

And thanks, Tom...any compliment from you is much appreciated...I suspect you have a load more great material to stun us with.

Good suggestion, too...I did think about whispering the first section of the build-up...but my voice was a bit rough...sounded a bit weird...might revisit that idea, though.

Thanks...sorry for bumping with replies...I'll not comment any further unless warranted.

 A heartfelt thanks to everyone for all the kind words 

[pompeyjazz]

This is deffo my song of the month. Well written and has SOUL man

[ToraBora]

Very catchy guitar and I enjoyed the lyrics. I think it would possibly benefit from a bit more oomph in the vocal, growl a bit y'know. Also some bvs an octave higher would really the set the chorus off. Top effort good work.

[seriousfun]

Writing as I listen.

Great intro, its got me instantly. Love the vocals, very strong and well mixed. Love the chorus, the song highlight just like its supposed to be. Great song to have in the car.  Excellent guitar work, I especially like that little riff after the hook line.


Wow, just got to the solo, nice and the muted guitar rhythym is neat.

Gotta say I really like this. Some good retro rock in this, right up my alley.

Off for another listen now.

Allan.

[airbirds]

There is a lot to like about this one. I liked the intro, the guitars are well recorded. I like the tone and rhythm of the guitar, reminds me a bit of The Cure.

I like the guitar solo at 2.15 and there is good energy in the vocal.

Solid arrangement.

My biggest point of personal critique would be the lyrics. I guess the best way to articulate it would be that most the lines end on one or two syllable fairly basic words, so when I’m listening to the lyrics I can guess that the next line after “night” will be something like “right” and the line after “fact” will end with something like “attract”. I suppose the effect that this had on me at least was that it didn’t draw me in enough to the song.

All in all though good work and be keen on hearing more.

Tom

[Morefrog Jones]

Nice...enjoyed it.
Some good lines in it.
Some as mentioned before, a bit obvious at times, but overall - would listen again.
The style & sound is my to my taste.
Listened to a few of your other songs and your voice sometimes feels forced..on this one it is more natural sounding and flows well within the song.

[igg]

Very cool....  Others have said it has a 90's feel but for me it is straight out of the early 60's Beatles  in structure and guitar sound....
The "in your face" groove grabs and holds .... although I agree for the compactness of the lyrics,  it seems a bit too long.  I think the shortness of the line/rhyme structure begins to get too familiar after the 3/4 mark.
The energy and upfront sound of the instrumentation kept me from concentrating on the meaning of the lyrics first time around listening.
Awesome sound....well done!

[PaulAds]

cheers, folks...i love the cure, too... and them beatles...

regarding the lyrics...i'm happy to hold my hands up and acknowledge i just threw together something fairly simplistic for this song...i worry sometimes i'm trying to be too clever with some of my lyrics. I thoroughly enjoyed the air-headed composition here...i found it quite liberating, really.

regarding my vocals...the last ten years of heavy gigging resulted in me completely losing my voice around a year ago...i had a course of speech therapy last summer, but made the decision to quit the band i was in, as i simply can't hold it together for 35 songs a night a couple of nights per week anymore.

i can just about hold some songs together now, but i have to shorten phrases, keep it lower and reduce the strain otherwise it'll fall apart again...which, i was warned, could lead to permanent damage.

no more excuses, though...just massive thanks for all the positives