[Jambrains]

As always, writing lyrics is not my thing and reviewing them is even more not my thing so I won't be able to return the favour here in the lyrics department but I will do my best to do so have any of you ever anything up for review that involves music.

Anyway, this is something that I've been working on for some time now and I feel the need for a sanity check: does this make any sense? Meaning? Grammar? Choice of words? Any feedback greatly appreciated.

The intro is obviously a shameless rip off from Nietzsche but he is dead so he can't make any objections :-)

A NATION RULED BY FEAR

INTRO
We've been staring into the darkness
now darkness is staring back into us
and the monsters that we're fighting
have almost made monsters out of us
desperate measures
for desperate times
fire with fire
an eye for an eye

CHORUS
This nation once was built on hope
now it's a nation ruled by fear
we've lost out values
lost our course
lost compassion
lost remorse
in this nation ruled by fear
Where once our fathers stood so tall
we find ourselves petty and small
we've lost out values
lost our course
lost compassion
lost remorse
in this nation ruled by fear

VERSE
The smoke from burning tires
the sound of breaking glass
as we close our eyes
the suburbs are on fire
the prophets of destruction
preaching in the night
desperate measures
for desperate times
fire with fire
an eye for an eye

CHORUS

VERSE
As we fought the war on terror
we built ourselves a cage
as we gave up our rights
and our crimes against humanity
a higher cause was called upon
to justify
desperate measures
for desperate times
fire with fire
an eye for an eye

CHORUS

[PaulAds]

that's a very good lyric and expresses a sentiment which i'm guessing a lot of people can identify with...good work 

[tomcrocus]

Toxteth,Brixton,Terrorism,it evokes memories,
 it's a good write,nice one,
                                    tom.

[seriousfun]

Yes, another good dark lyric, I can imagine this being put to Celtic Rock.

Not so sure on the opening two lines of your chorus. Surely the nation was only built once? Maybe it would be better worded

This nation that was built on hope,
Is now a nation fuelled with fear.

Or something similar, i just feel that the nation was already built so it couldnt be built again?

Other than that small point I can see no wrong in this splendid lyric.

Allan.

[Jambrains]

Not so sure on the opening two lines of your chorus. Surely the nation was only built once? Maybe it would be better worded

This nation that was built on hope,
Is now a nation fuelled with fear.

Or something similar, i just feel that the nation was already built so it couldnt be built again?

Allan.

Valid point even though I would imagine building a nation is a never ending continuous effort. I'll have a look and see what I can do, thanks!

[hardtwistmusic]

You know we ALL like your lyrics (in general - and specifically in this case)  better than you do.  ;o)   

Seriously.... this is an incredible lyric.  Very deep and thoughtful - AND IMPORTANT. 

[Paulski]

Hi Jambrains

Looks like a damn good write to me and I can almost hear your great vocal singing it.
Couple of things came to mind:

The last four lines in the verse seem like a pre-chorus as they are repeated but I like that they repeat.
For me the chorus format wanted to be sth like:

It's a nation built on fear
we've lost out values
lost our core
lost compassion
lost remorse
Once it was built on hope
But now this nation's built on fear

That puts your hook in two power positions - 1st and last line of the chorus.
Feel free to ignore this suggestion if it messes with your music!

Paul

[diademgrove]

Hi Jambrains,

I like the concept and see the potential but I think you use too many words. I'm also not keen on some of the tenses. If you are up for a collaborative re-write I'll happily put up my suggested changes. I think on something which is obviously close to your heart it is right to ask first rather than just jump in.

Keith

[Jambrains]

@htw: thanks! I hold your lyrics in high regard so I value that comment highly.

@Paulski: good suggestion, however it will not work with the melody I have in mind. As always I have a pretty complete melody in place before working on the lyrics, I have never been able to find inspiration for lyrics without music. To me the are more or less one and I simply can not view them as separate entities.

@diamdemgrove: you are more than welcome to make suggestions but I would suggest you wait a few days until I can throw together a mock up of the backing track to show the melody/meter I have in mind. Otherwise your work may be in vain. I think once you hear the backing track the number of words will no appear so overwhelming

@All
I'm considering a few changes:
We lost our core -> We lost or course
I think I like core better since it's referring to something fundamentally deep within (the core) but I'm not sure it the meaning I intend comes through, thus the change.

Now it's a nation built on fear -> Now it's a nation ruled by fear
As SF pointed out a nation is built once (on hope) so the change would solve that problem but I'm not sure if "ruled by fear" would be a good/correct way to express this.

[Jambrains]

So, here is a quick mock up of the song to give you an idea about the melody. Never mind the guitar playing, just got my first acoustic and it's like starting all over again. The vocals are not stellar either, actually the first time I ever tried to sing it (and I suspect I did not get the lyrics 100% correct either). Anyway, it's a mock up and will do for now.

https://soundcloud.com/jambrains/nation-mock-up/s-dgV7R

[johnlondon]

Its not there matey, you may need to reload it.

[Jambrains]

Its not there matey, you may need to reload it.

Ah, my bad. Link now updated, thanks for the heads up 

[johnlondon]

Jambrains, it seems pointless reviewing this knowing its going to be re-recorded and will end up in the finished song section. The only issue is, do your power chord vocals sit well with this acoustic tune, answer yes of course. Look forward to hearing the finished version.

PS  You should really move this to the WIP section to get more attention. The lyric section is like a graveyard at the moment.

[Paulski]

Hi Jambrains

Had a listen - man your voice is solid as a rock even in this!
Really liked the verses and the guitar picking.
I wasn't 100 % sold on the chorus - the start of the chorus sounds like too many lyrics jammed together and the end of the chorus seems to end up on a chord that doesn't seem to resolve with the vocal note. Realize this is just a scratch demo so I'm sure the final product will be all sorted.

cheers
Paul