[empyreantic]

Hi everyone,

I'm in the process of recording a new song that I originally had lots of confidence in. However, it's been a few days since I last worked on it, and I just can't seem to get it right - I like the song itself, but somehow I just feel like it sounds wrong. I just can't get it to be like I want it to, if that makes sense... I was planning to add more instrumentation (midi synth or something, etc.), and master it better, but I figured I'll try to upload it here first to hear what you guys have to say. I'm not happy with my vocals; I just can't get it right (    ) !!

https://soundcloud.com/empyreantic/empty-eyed-rough-demo/s-KPrOh

Does this song have potential? What would you change? I'd love to get some input/thoughts/suggestions/opinions 

Lyrics:

Verse
Overflow the canvas like the sun that unwrapped our day
Bright as your curious eyes where we lay
A piercing stare between the two-of-us deep within
I couldn’t hold my gaze, I turned my head, I looked away

Chorus
But when all is said and done
And your love for me is gone
Look at me and tell me I’m no-one

Cause I thought that I knew what was real, what was true
On the inside I’ll never really know

Verse
Neglect our passions and remove the timely good
A cyclic love between us that I’ve never understood
I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve tried, you know I really tried my best
But I’m only a shell, a mirror image, it’s no good

Bridge
I’m empty eyed
of love
of love
of a love that is beyond you
of a love that is beyond me
of a love that is beyond what any of us can feel

Verse
Paint the canvas with the colours of the sky that night
Blank like tears in your empty eye(s)

Bridge 2

Chorus
But when all is said and done
And your love for me is gone
Look at me and tell me I’m no-one

Cause I thought that I knew what was real, what was true
But on the inside I’ll always be alone
And empty eyed

Thanks a tonne, and have a great weekend 

[LeRoc]

There's a lot to like about this song, I like the experimentality of it. I see you quoting Frusciante in your sig, and I hear some of his influences in here

It may be just my loudspeakers, but the tuning doesn't seem to be exactly right, especially between the acoustic and the electric guitar. Getting that right might make it easier to fit your voice in.

Overall, I think you could be a bit bolder in your melody at some points. This is the disadvantage of having a four line verse, I find that it's more difficult to write interesting melodies for that. Perhaps one thing you could try is to go more into the higher register in line 3 of your verse. Also, in your chorus the most important word to me seems to be no-one, but you're kind of muffling that away. If you'd like, you could try singing that word as some kind of primal scream on a long, higher note; I think it would really create an interesting 'hook' for your chorus.

A song with very good potential!

[empyreantic]

There's a lot to like about this song, I like the experimentality of it. I see you quoting Frusciante in your sig, and I hear some of his influences in here

It may be just my loudspeakers, but the tuning doesn't seem to be exactly right, especially between the acoustic and the electric guitar. Getting that right might make it easier to fit your voice in.

Overall, I think you could be a bit bolder in your melody at some points. This is the disadvantage of having a four line verse, I find that it's more difficult to write interesting melodies for that. Perhaps one thing you could try is to go more into the higher register in line 3 of your verse. Also, in your chorus the most important word to me seems to be no-one, but you're kind of muffling that away. If you'd like, you could try singing that word as some kind of primal scream on a long, higher note; I think it would really create an interesting 'hook' for your chorus.

A song with very good potential!

Thanks for the great input, LeRoc!

I'll tell you a secret; the "electric guitar" is actually me recording an acoustic guitar and adding an amplifier to it in GarageBand - I think that's why it sounds so shitty (might miss on a note or two too, though). I recently sold my Strat because I needed the money, but now I want a new guitar

Haha, Frusciante always manages to sneak into my songs somehow

Re the melody, I thought I was quite bold already - after all the song is constantly changing back and forth between major and minor (at least that's fairly experimental in regards to my guitar skills... hah!), and the unusual song structure. I still see your point though! I'll see what I can do about the chorus.

Again, thanks for the great input - I'll definitely spend some more time on this song until I figure out how it should be

[sundaysongsmiths]

Hi,
The song has considerable emotional content.  It seems to come from a really raw place. Perhaps simplifying the song structure and being less introspective will help clarify the overall narrative. But good start.

Regards,
Mike and Jay

[hardtwistmusic]

1.  I would NOT add a lot more instrumentation.  I like this raw and simple with guitars only. 

2.  The chorus is perfect to my ears.  But the verses create some annoyance in me.  You open AND close each line with a quickening of the strum on the acoustic guitar.  It's an interesting and attention getting idea, but in my opinion, it gets old.  I would suggest that you keep each opening of the lines the same (instrumentally) but only keep that "quickening strum" on about 1/4 of the endings. 

Those are the only bits of input that I have that might be useful. 

[empyreantic]

Hi,
The song has considerable emotional content.  It seems to come from a really raw place. Perhaps simplifying the song structure and being less introspective will help clarify the overall narrative. But good start.

Regards,
Mike and Jay

Hi, Mike and Jay! It does. Maybe the structure is a bit weird, yes... I see that. I know the narrative is a bit unclear, but frankly I'm not sure if I want it to be any clearer. You see, as you said, it has some emotional content, and lets just say that the song is inspired by events in my own life - personally I like to write in a bit of an introspective way, so that the lyrics can be interpreted in different ways; I don't feel like laying out my life word for word, if that makes sense. It's quite personal after all But I still see your point - I guess it's hard to grasp what the song is really about. I'll work on that. Thanks!

1.  I would NOT add a lot more instrumentation.  I like this raw and simple with guitars only. 

2.  The chorus is perfect to my ears.  But the verses create some annoyance in me.  You open AND close each line with a quickening of the strum on the acoustic guitar.  It's an interesting and attention getting idea, but in my opinion, it gets old.  I would suggest that you keep each opening of the lines the same (instrumentally) but only keep that "quickening strum" on about 1/4 of the endings. 

Those are the only bits of input that I have that might be useful. 

1. Ok, noted!

2. I'm a bit unsure of what you mean about the verses; I think the "quick" strum you're talking about is the one bridging the major and minor chord progression (in a 1-2-1-2 format for each verse). I felt that it was necessary to bring the whole verse together. Otherwise, I don't think there is a quick strum at the end of each verse? I might just misunderstand you..! Maybe you could clarify a bit? (sorry for not understanding, haha) Good to hear you like the chorus, though!

Thanks for great feedback I can say that I'm officially excited about this song again; this forum is a lifesaver!

[shadowfax]

Sounds like it's got possibilities...if your not happy with the vocal try raising the key a semi tone, or maybe more..when I started singing I was always in a low key till a mate said ''raise the key, then you'll have to actually start singing'' soon as  I did that it was harder but better, so I kept at it and now I'm nearly a reasonable singer..totally self taught..

give it a go, you've got nothing to lose..

best, Kevin

[empyreantic]

Hi Kevin,

What a coincidence - I tried raising it a semitone (capo 1st) just before I read your comment! I'm a bit undecided if its better or not, I'll have to practice some more Thanks for the input!

[hardtwistmusic]

1.  I would NOT add a lot more instrumentation.  I like this raw and simple with guitars only. 

2.  The chorus is perfect to my ears.  But the verses create some annoyance in me.  You open AND close each line with a quickening of the strum on the acoustic guitar.  It's an interesting and attention getting idea, but in my opinion, it gets old.  I would suggest that you keep each opening of the lines the same (instrumentally) but only keep that "quickening strum" on about 1/4 of the endings. 

Those are the only bits of input that I have that might be useful. 

1. Ok, noted!

2. I'm a bit unsure of what you mean about the verses; I think the "quick" strum you're talking about is the one bridging the major and minor chord progression (in a 1-2-1-2 format for each verse). I felt that it was necessary to bring the whole verse together. Otherwise, I don't think there is a quick strum at the end of each verse? I might just misunderstand you..! Maybe you could clarify a bit? (sorry for not understanding, haha) Good to hear you like the chorus, though!

Thanks for great feedback I can say that I'm officially excited about this song again; this forum is a lifesaver!

Actually, the problem is that I'm not musician enough to describe in technical terms that a real musician (such as yourself) would understand.  I'll listen again and try to describe better what I'm hearing.  I can tell you in terms of which measure I'm hearing these things in. 

You'll find that all I REALLY understand about music is what I like and don't like.  Those who have been here for awhile know that about me and make allowances for it.  I suspect that I do have good instincts in spite of my lack of musical education.  That seems to be the perception here anyway. 

Thanks for being patient with me, and I hope that what I'm hearing can be communicated in a meaningful and helpful way.  If not... don't assume it's your fault.  'o) 

[hardtwistmusic]

Okay:  Here is my attempt to explain what I was hearing. 

At 42 Seconds, and at 1 Minute 04 seconds, and at 1 min- 16 seconds, and at 1 min- 24 seconds, and at 1 min - 46 seconds, and at 1 min - 56 seconds, and at 2 mins - 06 seconds, and at 2 mins - 20 seconds, and at 3 mins - 08 seconds, and at 3 mins - 18 seconds, and at 3 mins - 54 seconds there are places where you have quicker strums (shorter duration notes). 

When I first listened, they seemed to come too often, and distracted.  Second listen wasn't nearly as distracting. . . but first listen is important to a songwriter.  I think that occurs too often, and/or that somewhere while the listener is expecting that to occur, you throw the listener a curve and do something unexpected. 

Hope that is understandable, and I hope it helps. 

[empyreantic]

Hardtwistmusic, ('insert quote' didn't work right now, for some reason)

Thanks for thorough and constructive feedback!  First of all, I'm terrible at musical terms etc. too - so don't blame yourself for me misunderstanding..!

I think I now understand what you mean, however I'm not quite sure how to fix it without radically changing the structure of the song. Personally I have no problem with the shorter duration notes, but then again I'm the artist and not the listener... But, as you say, I agree that the first listen is perhaps the most important, and I obviously don't want to leave it off-putting for the listener. I'll just take some time and see how I can change the song for the better.

Meanwhile, if anyone else has any input on this I would love to here it Thanks!