[GeneralZod]

Here is a rough mix of one of my new songs I'm still perfecting the lyrics and the chorus still doesn't sit well with me I'll probably change it up. Can I get some feedback from people on opinions about this track? Such as vocals and any lyrics suggestions? Thanks

https://soundcloud.com/deliverus/in-the-eleventh-hour-redux

Lyrics
Verse
The robots in the classroom rewriting history
Out comes lies from lips of fools to make the young believe

The robots pushing legal pills values easily bought?(needs work)
Keep the masses numb down to eliminate free thought...

B verse
Singularity
Together we'll be free
Now we stand
Now we fight

Hold your head up high
Together we'll burn bright

Chorus
In the eleventh hour....you have the power
In the eleventh hour we have the power
To change....

[den]

sounds like something the beatles could have done in the white album period, I can imagine john singing this building up to a chorus with harmonies. it very bare at the moment which is a lot of the appeal of it. I like the simpleness of it, but it does need more, not much more, I think adding another instrument and a few gentle harmonies will transform the song. think the lyrics are a bit obscure but I like the song in its bare bones, so would love to hear it with a little more on it.

[diademgrove]

I like the bass lines. I think the lyrics need more work. Robots doesn't work for me. I'd put teachers and doctors in the verse rather than robots. I think verse B would work as the chorus with In the eleventh hour as a middle 8/bridge, the change in the music works well. I don't think the "chorus needs much work as it would move into the chorus. The lyrics would go we have the power to change... singularity which is the main message of the song for me, the idea that an individual is stronger when they are part of a community. Which leaves one or two extra verses to be written to develop the theme.

Please ignore my suggestions if you disagree.

Your song has lots of potential,

Keith

[MartiMedia]

Hi GZ,

Nice idea on the lyrics of this one.. Like the message..
'The robots...easily bought' doesn't flow well imo, but
you already
I like the vocal idea, just needs to be sung a bit more
confident and there were some unsharp notes (but sure
you'll fix that in the final work). Also I'd choose to
put a bit more energy in the vox, now they sound to
layed back to me for the powerful message you're
broadcasting.
Can hear a succesful final work in this one though, so
I hope my feedback was of any help. If not, feel free
to completely ignore!

MM

[GeneralZod]

Thanks a bunch for the replies everyone! I really like the suggestions I got for this one and I could see how I can throw some things in here and there. I think some nice harmonies thrown in would be nice. Also maybe making the B verse the chorus and the chorus the bridge. That could really take the song up a level.

I have trouble tying the "in the eleventh hour" verse in with the rest. How does that relate to the whole singularity, making a change,talking about everything I think is wrong in the world concept?

[pompeyjazz]

Hi General,

I got into the feel of this song and liked it. Have to say that I think the vocals need attention though, but I guess it's only a rough mix. It's got a strange mystical vibe going on there.

Cheers

John

[diademgrove]

Thanks a bunch for the replies everyone! I really like the suggestions I got for this one and I could see how I can throw some things in here and there. I think some nice harmonies thrown in would be nice. Also maybe making the B verse the chorus and the chorus the bridge. That could really take the song up a level.

I have trouble tying the "in the eleventh hour" verse in with the rest. How does that relate to the whole singularity, making a change,talking about everything I think is wrong in the world concept?

If you change "in" to "Its the eleventh hour" you may feel it works better. Personally both work for me. Glad you liked some of my ideas.

Keith

[PaulAds]

great name, GeneralZod...and a great song title too!

a bit more confidence in the vocal would be worth going for

i'm a big fan of the WIP section...there's some great advice to be found here.

i just wish i could have offered some 

best of luck with it!

[mondobongo]

Nice lyric. I love the bass in this which seems to be the main hook. I think the song should be another minute longer.

Good luck with it.
Mo

[GeneralZod]

Thanks everyone! It's nice for everyone to take time to listen to the track.
I think the B verse as the chorus isn't strong enough melodically. The lyrics
need work I'm gonna try to do some re writes and flow better.

I am not the best singer and for the final pro track I may not sing and have someone that
Has more of like a rock or James Hetfield type voice, but when I hear this one I don't think
Hardcore rock I have a more "Tool" style in mind
Thanks again everyone!