The Sun Always Follows The Moon

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Alan Starkie

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« on: June 18, 2015, 12:09:54 PM »
Hi all....

Not sure if I'm putting lyrics to the bridge...

https://soundcloud.com/alanstarkie/the-sun-always-follows-the-moon


The Sun Always Follows The Moon


A young child in a dark place
Wishing friends would come to call
Cold food and a secret to keep
The light went off long ago
In the hall

Old toys in the bathtub
The bubbles burst long ago
Now the towels they don't feel the same
They're no good without arms
To rub you dry

When it's you and yourself in the mirror
And there's nobody else in the room
It may feel like it's going to last forever
But just remember the sun always follows the moon

How long is the night time
When it's you and him alone
The shadows touch your face to make you cry
You don't want to be a child any more

When it's you and yourself in the mirror
And there's nobody else in the room
It may feel like it's going to last forever
But just remember the sun always follows the moon
« Last Edit: June 18, 2015, 12:14:31 PM by Alan Starkie »

Kristupas

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« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2015, 03:15:50 PM »
Nice I like the tune, quite melancholic

I see many places, where backing vocals could fit by either repeating phrases,
or single vowel lifts by segueing from section to section or emphasizing a phrase.

Regarding a bridge, I think either way its equally good/bad decision ;)

Sometimes I would change the phrasing, cause sometimes they seem a bit repetitive,( I mean the phrasing pace), but this is subjective,.

And specifically, I would change " in the mirror"  by adding a pause behind the phrase, and "in the" = 16th notes..
"and theres [pause] nobody else" (to emphasize nobody else, and for me it sounds better)
But these can go either way, or remain the same of course, just suggesting.

Just I didn't like the "mii-ror" extended mi..

Cheers,
K

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2015, 11:46:27 PM »
Beautifully concise.   Not a word too many nor a word too few.  Very impressive lyric.  Now, I'll go listen.  Beautiful to listen to and really nice to sing along with. 
« Last Edit: June 18, 2015, 11:49:36 PM by hardtwistmusic »
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jmacdon

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« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2015, 10:14:56 PM »
Hi A

A great chord change at the chorus.
This really makes the song for me  :D

The bridge certainly doesn't need lyrics - it's a nice respite from the song  - a nice hammond organ would fit the bridge perfectly  :D

I'm not sure about the key change on the last verse.... it's turns song into something which I don't think it is - almost theatrical and unnecessary.  For the final verse, i'd probably slow it down and make it more personal and intimate.....try it  :D

J.



The Color of Oldfield

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« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2015, 10:28:32 PM »
Good song Alan, musically and lyrically although I'm thinking you can probably take it further with natural progression.

How many songs are you writing a week? Seems like you can pen material week on week regardless.....very good.

Alan Starkie

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« Reply #5 on: June 21, 2015, 12:20:40 AM »
Nice I like the tune, quite melancholic

I see many places, where backing vocals could fit by either repeating phrases,
or single vowel lifts by segueing from section to section or emphasizing a phrase.

Regarding a bridge, I think either way its equally good/bad decision ;)

Sometimes I would change the phrasing, cause sometimes they seem a bit repetitive,( I mean the phrasing pace), but this is subjective,.

And specifically, I would change " in the mirror"  by adding a pause behind the phrase, and "in the" = 16th notes..
"and theres [pause] nobody else" (to emphasize nobody else, and for me it sounds better)
But these can go either way, or remain the same of course, just suggesting.

Just I didn't like the "mii-ror" extended mi..

Cheers,
K

Thanks K,

The 'miii-ror' has been sorted now.

Beautifully concise.   Not a word too many nor a word too few.  Very impressive lyric.  Now, I'll go listen.  Beautiful to listen to and really nice to sing along with. 

Thanks HTM,

Glad you liked.

Hi A

A great chord change at the chorus.
This really makes the song for me  :D

The bridge certainly doesn't need lyrics - it's a nice respite from the song  - a nice hammond organ would fit the bridge perfectly  :D

I'm not sure about the key change on the last verse.... it's turns song into something which I don't think it is - almost theatrical and unnecessary.  For the final verse, i'd probably slow it down and make it more personal and intimate.....try it  :D

J.




Thanks J,

I've left the bridge as instrumental.

There is no key change in this song?...

Good song Alan, musically and lyrically although I'm thinking you can probably take it further with natural progression.

How many songs are you writing a week? Seems like you can pen material week on week regardless.....very good.

Thanks TCOO,

This song is near completion now (a few more tracks and production then done).

I'm not prolific but I don't seem to have problems with writer's block thankfully.

I've always got ideas tucked away ready for working on.

shadowfax

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« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2015, 06:54:02 PM »
Am I missing something? ???

this sounds good as is!! yeah it could be done a million different ways but if you call this finished then I'd be happy with it..

best, Kevin  :)
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Binladeda

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« Reply #7 on: June 22, 2015, 07:49:07 PM »
 
 Hi Alan,

 Gotta leave the bridge...love the gtr there.

 Can REALLY hear a lone fiddle playing along with this,
 especially toward the end  ;D ;D

 Just thought I HAD to tell you that.  ;D ;D

Nowt as queer as folk...........my gran

MartiMedia

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« Reply #8 on: June 23, 2015, 12:13:17 AM »
Hi Alan,
Beautiful song you have written there... Really like the lyrics (esp. 'towels... without arms')
What didn't sound natural to me when I listened for the first time was the chord progression change to the chorus.
For me it came too sudden. When I listened the second time I enjoyed it, but I feel the first impression counts for the (mostly non-musical-talented) listener (i think). If you can find yourself in this comment you could easily solve this by adding a pre-chorus to the 1st and 2nd verse.
Then, later in the song you can create that surprise of jumping straight to the chorus. But it's just a suggestion.
Feel completely free to ignore. Overall I'm really curious how this will sound when recorded!! I loved it! MM
« Last Edit: June 23, 2015, 01:24:14 AM by MartiMedia »
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Alan Starkie

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« Reply #9 on: June 23, 2015, 11:21:14 AM »
Am I missing something? ???

this sounds good as is!! yeah it could be done a million different ways but if you call this finished then I'd be happy with it..

best, Kevin  :)

Thanks Kevin,

Nearly finished....


 Hi Alan,

 Gotta leave the bridge...love the gtr there.

 Can REALLY hear a lone fiddle playing along with this,
 especially toward the end  ;D ;D

 Just thought I HAD to tell you that.  ;D ;D



Ah Bin. You're a guitar man and it always shows!

You'll have me and The Nighthawk duetting next lol

Thanks for the listen.

Hi Alan,
Beautiful song you have written there... Really like the lyrics (esp. 'towels... without arms')
What didn't sound natural to me when I listened for the first time was the chord progression change to the chorus.
For me it came too sudden. When I listened the second time I enjoyed it, but I feel the first impression counts for the (mostly non-musical-talented) listener (i think). If you can find yourself in this comment you could easily solve this by adding a pre-chorus to the 1st and 2nd verse.
Then, later in the song you can create that surprise of jumping straight to the chorus. But it's just a suggestion.
Feel completely free to ignore. Overall I'm really curious how this will sound when recorded!! I loved it! MM

Cheers MM,

I've kept the chorus as-is because it's quite unexpected and I like that.

The song will be finished this week. I hope it works for you.

jimwix

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« Reply #10 on: June 23, 2015, 05:22:33 PM »
Really like this.  Nice guitar playing, I like the tension in the melody on the chorus too.  Not sure I get the story but then that's not important really.

Very nice.

MartiMedia

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« Reply #11 on: June 24, 2015, 01:54:53 AM »
Quote
Cheers MM,

I've kept the chorus as-is because it's quite unexpected and I like that.

The song will be finished this week. I hope it works for you.
Let it come Alan! Really, really curious!! MM
https://soundcloud.com/martimedia/tracks
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Most recent collab (October 2015): Never Mine To Keep - Jambrains and Martimedia
http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/song-reviews/never-mine-to-keep-(jambrains-martimedia-collab)/

My 'best' track (Winning track of this board's 'Dreams' 2015 summer competition):
https://soundcloud.com/martimedia/dreams

Paulski

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« Reply #12 on: June 24, 2015, 02:51:28 AM »
Lovely guitar and vocal work and yes the bridge is fine as instrumental.
I'm a bit with MM on the jump in chord prog opening the first chorus was a bit of a jar.
Something to smooth that first transition would be nice.
Like the hook!
Paul

Church

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« Reply #13 on: June 24, 2015, 05:22:27 AM »
This is my kind of music, love the sound. The guitar is clear, bright, and fittingly beautiful.

The chorus almost has a dissonance to it which really makes the listener pay closer attention. It took me by surprise for a second, in a good way.

I sounds like a finished piece, and it's totally fine that way. But in my opinion I think it'd sound pretty cool with a little more backing instrumentation, maybe some quiet, soft vocal harmonies or something similarly euphoric.

lillypilly

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« Reply #14 on: June 24, 2015, 07:00:01 PM »
Hi I really like this song very much, liked the introduction and it built up nicely.
I felt there could be maybe a violin in there somewhere in the chorus fading out as you head into your verse " how long is the night time", also to my ears I think you jumped into that verse too quickly could have left room for a few more bars