[jimwix]

I thought I'd be better posting here seeing as my last song clearly wasn't nearly as 'finished' as I initially thought.

What are your thought's on this one - good, bad, indifferent..?

All advice very gratefully received and thanks for listening to it.

https://soundcloud.com/jimwix/the-ballad-of-bill-munny-v1

The Ballad of Bill Munny - I am a Scorpion, it’s my nature

Life was cheap when I was younger, every kill made me stronger,
Death was easy, fear my only friend,
Munny was the end,
And from the devil’s hand came whiskey as my nurse,
Whiskey was my curse.

Many a man tried their chances, with restless hands and furtive glances,
They called the shots but my bullets were the word,
I revelled in that curse.
No-one stood in my way, ‘cause you know what people would say?
The devil walked my way.

But it took the love of a good woman to teach me righteous living,
I threw away the bottle and the gun.
Built a cabin, cleared the land,
Two fine kids, one at each hand,
But then the smallpox came our way,
And took my love away.

Now crops are failing in the field, the swine are sick and the hens won’t yield,
Hungry mouths are slaving dawn to dusk,
These fields of swirling dust.
As I kneel beside your grave, I  promise you each day,
I’ll walk the righteous way.

But then he’s standing at my door, with polished guns and ringing spurs,
Talking about big dollars for revenge,
But those days had to end and I send him on his way,
Because I promise you each day,
I’ll keep the righteous way.

But as I gaze upon this dying farmstead, “A Righteous Retribution” he said,
His words are vermin crawling round my brain.
This one last job could save our children,
before this place finally kills them,
And yes, I know exactly what you would say,
But you’re not here today.

And so I’m on the hunt again, with whiskey breath and pounding veins,
Guns still smoking in my aged hands,
He pleads with me about ‘deserves’,
Well I never really understood that word,
Anyway, you heard what people say,
Well, the devil still walks my way.

[hardtwistmusic]

I love the music.  Needs a little variation, but it's got a really good and appropriate feel to the tune. 

This is just a personal preference, but the lyric contained too much detail for my taste on a song like this.

On a song that is about a movie or book, (and again this is just my personal preference) I think that the song should hint at the story line, not tell it so completely.  The song becomes a sort of "inside joke" (although not funny) between the songwriter and the listener. 

The audience who knows the story is large enough so that you don't (again this is just my opinion) need to tell so much of the story or follow the storyline so closely. 

I did enjoy the lyric, but kept wanting it to be less specific. 

[jimwix]

Thanks for the feedback, I hadn't thought of it like that.

[zero]

The words are hard, crisp, strong therefore I would say the music and vocals should be soft and gentle. This is a very sad story, not a glory tune. Sing it with regret, softly, and see how it works.

 The lyrics are very well written. I like the detail but that is a personal taste, I guess.

[adamfarr]

I'd say the detail isn't out of place - it gives an old school country storytelling feel.

There could be ways of setting the scene more immediately e.g. verses 1 and 2 are essentially part of the same idea so could be combined or even you could tighten the first and lose the second which for me is weaker (e.g. you have "curse" come up a second time with a different meaning, and chances and glances sounds a little tame).

But it's not overlong and I would hate to lose gems like "whiskey as my curse, whiskey as my nurse".

[shadowfax]

This is not my kinda song but I certainly admire your writing skills..the only critique I can offer here is it lacks space..seems a very dry recording to me...
it's a moody song and should be in a moody space if you catch my enigmatic drift

good work,

best, kevin

[jimwix]

The words are hard, crisp, strong therefore I would say the music and vocals should be soft and gentle. This is a very sad story, not a glory tune. Sing it with regret, softly, and see how it works.

 The lyrics are very well written. I like the detail but that is a personal taste, I guess.

Thank you for that, and yes will try it like that - I'm sure you're right.

[jimwix]

I'd say the detail isn't out of place - it gives an old school country storytelling feel.

There could be ways of setting the scene more immediately e.g. verses 1 and 2 are essentially part of the same idea so could be combined or even you could tighten the first and lose the second which for me is weaker (e.g. you have "curse" come up a second time with a different meaning, and chances and glances sounds a little tame).

But it's not overlong and I would hate to lose gems like "whiskey as my curse, whiskey as my nurse".

Thank you and good idea, I changed that second verse many times already, no harm in another go 

[jimwix]

This is not my kinda song but I certainly admire your writing skills..the only critique I can offer here is it lacks space..seems a very dry recording to me...
it's a moody song and should be in a moody space if you catch my enigmatic drift

good work,

best, kevin

Yes I do.  I'm still a novice at this, I recorded this with Garage Band as a bit of a sketch - I'm sure I can make it better.

Space - yeah!

and thank you.