konalavadome

'Letterbox'

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shortwhat

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« on: May 13, 2015, 11:43:46 AM »
This song could be about someone dying who was always afraid of death, and was a 'sinner.' But it could also be interpreted as a murder song? Don't know.. It might shine through in the lyrics might not I'm unsure. I just quite like the repetition of different colours to be honest. Feedback would be immensely appreciated! (Also sorry for disappearing for a few weeks, exams.)

Letterbox:

V1:
Slipped off her pale blue dress as the pale blue sky crept shade by shade to black
Pushed out from a see-through world with a see-through plan she didn’t understand
She slept with a blood red man with his blood red hands that held her like a child
Woke up with an ice white gown in an ice white town so formally designed

Trapped in her own see-through mind (oh)

CHORUS:
Keys through her letterbox while she slept (count 2, count 4, I count one more)
Gun on the table, pills at her desk (is this what you were searching for)
The cure for growing older…
The cure for growing older is to die

V2:
Pulling her jet black hair from the jet black braid; hanging at her chest
Let down by those bright pink cheeks in her bright pink dreams where no-one looked their best
She’s losing her greyed out hope that a greyed out hero would soon be on his way
She blames herself…

CHORUS:
Keys through her letterbox while she slept (This is all you could ever want)
Gun on the table, pills at her desk (Count seven steps towards the door)
The cure for growing older…
The cure for growing older is to-

ALT. CHORUS:
Stop the colours leaking through your skin (What’s mine is yours, everything’s lost)
Pray Peter cracks and lets you in (These golden gates are sealed shut)
Count.. count.. count..
Until you hit the ground

INTERLUDE

CHORUS:
Keys through her letterbox while she slept (Your paper heart is long since torn)
Gun on the table, pills at her desk (Is this what you were searching for?)
The cure for growing older…
The cure for growing older is to die
16, singer-songwriter

Check out my album: http://joshshort.bandcamp.com/album/collarbones

jaake

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« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2015, 06:21:48 PM »
this surpasses both your other songs in my opinion. great work man, I adore this. as I said before, you have real talent (in my amateur opinion)

keep up the good work!
talk to me about annie clark :3

Paulski

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« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2015, 12:10:52 AM »
Hi shortwhat

I really liked this - has a nice flow. The repetition in the first couple of lines raised my eyebrows a bit, but they were soon back down as I realised that this was all a clever device to sell the song to me. And sell it to me you did!

Good work - hope to hear it to music
Paul

shortwhat

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« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2015, 05:40:15 PM »
Thankyou very much guys :D

jaake: will do, thanks. Was more proud of this than the others actually:)

Paul: Cheers man, I've got music for it for guitar, need to work out a piano melody because it feels like that sort of song, but I'm recording a bunk of songs in 2 weeks tomorrow and this might be in the mix.. Depends on my productivity in these next few weeks :D
16, singer-songwriter

Check out my album: http://joshshort.bandcamp.com/album/collarbones

Vintage54

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« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2015, 12:02:36 AM »

     Long lines shortwhat, (Sorry!) Long, but attention grabbing. I don't believe you've posted a better one than this my friend, i was hooked from the first to the last. Keep up the good work.

                                        Vintage54