[tracyl]

Hey guys, here's a new one I challenged myself to do. I really want some critiques on this one, so whomever helps me out with this one, I will comment on the last song they posted. As an incentive.


[Chorus]
Like two shooting stars
I'm bound to give my heart
To you,  to you
I will dive in your pull
As if I never had
Anything to lose

Verse One
You break my heart (da-da-da)
But that's because (da-da-da)
You keep it alive, alright, let's just move on
You make me write (da-da-da)
All these love songs (da-da-da)
It's cause you're mine, you're my inspiration

Pre-Chorus
The way you play with my love
How you act like I'm not enough
You push me out, then pull me in
You bring the doubt, and I'm falling

Chorus
And we're two shooting stars
Crazy how I'm bound to give my heart
To you, to you
I will dive in your pull
As if I never had
Anything to lose

Verse Two
I feel so tired (da-da-da)
But there's this fire(da-da-da)
It burns for you, it's true, you're all I need
If we collide(da-da-da)
And then we die(da-da-da)
We will ret-ire in a blazing fire

Pre-Chorus
The way you play with my love
How you act like I'm not enough
You push me out, then pull me in
You bring the doubt, and I'm falling

Chorus
Like two shooting stars
I'm bound to give my heart
To you,  to you
I will dive in your pull
As if I never had
Anything to lose

Bridge
You're so untrue
But I love you
I'd run away
But I'd miss you
You take my love
You play this game
And in the end
It's all the same

You drive me wild
Oh it excites
But when you go bad
I wanna hide
But I love you
And you love me
But I love you
And you love me
Right?

Chorus
Like two shooting stars
I'm bound to give my heart
To you,  to you
I will dive in your pull
As if I never had
Anything to lose

[shortwhat]

I liked this quite a bit, however I have one little annoyance...

As if I never had
Nothing to lose

This line doesn't make sense grammatically. Nothing would have to be changed to Anything, which if you're prepared to do wouldn't change too much unless you already have music to this that requires said amount of syllables. If you did change it I think you could easily keep the title how it is, it works quite well...

Another thing I picked up is in the first verse;

You make me write (da-da-da)
Daily love songs (da-da-da)

I think you would benefit changing 'daily' to 'All these crazy' or 'All these ___'
Just a 2 syllable word, it'd make the syllables consistent and help the song flow better.

Pretty nice write, with a few tweaks would be great! (p.s don't worry about the song comment thing, helping writers is a good enough incentive)

[Reece!]

It's a good song, nicely written. However, I do feel like it falls into the many cliches that is a love song and how much they mean to  you etc, etc. If you put a little twist on it for example how love can be boring, that was just a rubbish example but because of the nature of it, just put me off. Still greatly written though.

Reece!

[hardtwistmusic]

Very nice lyric imo.   I didn't mind the cliches.  I think you worked them in well, and weren't reliant on them.  It's HOW you use cliches that matters, not WHETHER you use them that matters (again imo). 

In the choruses, you mean "dive into your POOL"  - not "dive into your pull."  Small mistake that doesn't affect the lyric, but you'd be better served to fix it. 

I agree with the advice to change the grammatical error at the end of the chorus.  It distracted me in a small way.  "Nothing" could become "anything" without bothering a competent singer. 

Aside from that, this is a really good lyric.  If you are hoping to ever hear it on the radio, it's awfully long. 

[tracyl]

Hey guys I haven't replied and made corrections in a while because I had to make sure it would keep the feel of the song I wanted to write. I really really grateful for all these great comments. Thank you hardtwist, Reese and shortwhat.

To shortwat,
What you said was very reasonable and I completely agree and thanks a lot. But I will try to comment on you song anyways, you deserve it. Thank you.

To Reese,
Hey, thanks a lot for the comment and you're right, it does fall into many cliches but that was the goal. I think adding a surprising and possibly more interesting twist would change the message and tone of the song. Thank you very much for commenting.

To hardtwist,
Thanks a lot for the comment, it means so much coming from you; I also think that cliches are to be used, but in innovative ways which is what I tried to do with this song. And for the pull/pool part, I tried to make a pun. Though it is meant to be pull to coincide with the earlier stars reference, I mean dive in a gravitational pull. Like, jumping into orbit.

Thanks to all of you for commenting. I really appreciate it.