[Doodles]

Hi there,

I would welcome some feedback/suggestions on some work in progress...

https://soundcloud.com/negativeentropy/work-in-progress-when-the-time-is-right/s-JwCrF

Its a song about a wife, who suffers body image anxiety.. brought on by the media / advertising - rich / establishment people's greed and desire to make more money out of women's insecurity. She wants nothing more than to have a child, but it seems its not possible - until her insecurity and her infertility are healed.

The keyboard melody represents the intended vocal melody

When the Time is Right

The greedy become fat
Ripping out the heart of this young lass
(2 line rest)

When the time is right, they say
They might just be right, because
Like a broken limb you heal
Now our dream is real

Cavorting with their whores
Don’t feel, the hurt they cause
Conscience buried deep
By their desire, in their heat

When the time is right, they say
They might just be right, because
Like a broken limb you heal
And now our dream is real

Piano solo (half written)

Nothing brings more pain
When you’ve got the most to gain
Nothing brings more strife
Than the pain felt by your wife

When the time is right, they say
They might just be right, because
Like a broken limb you heal
And now our dream is real

copyright, Ben Sellars 2015

[hardtwistmusic]

Hi there,

I would welcome some feedback/suggestions on some work in progress...

https://soundcloud.com/negativeentropy/work-in-progress-when-the-time-is-right/s-JwCrF

Its a song about a wife, who suffers body image anxiety.. brought on by the media / advertising - rich / establishment people's greed and desire to make more money out of women's insecurity. She wants nothing more than to have a child, but it seems its not possible - until her insecurity and her infertility are healed.

The keyboard melody represents the intended vocal melody

When the Time is Right

The greedy become fat
Ripping out the heart of this young lass
(2 line rest)

When the time is right, they say
They might just be right, because
Like a broken limb you heal
Now our dream is real

Cavorting with their whores
Don’t feel, the hurt they cause
Conscience buried deep
By their desire, in their heat

When the time is right, they say
They might just be right, because
Like a broken limb you heal
And now our dream is real

Piano solo (half written)

Nothing brings more pain
When you’ve got the most to gain
Nothing brings more strife
Than the pain felt by your wife

When the time is right, they say
They might just be right, because
Like a broken limb you heal
And now our dream is real

copyright, Ben Sellars 2015

Listened and followed the lyric yesterday.  Couldn't put my finger on it, but something seemed missing.  Today, I listened again, and I think what this could use is some strings.  Probably fading in and out to add emphasis.  I'll listen again later and see if I think that would actually work.

[Doodles]

Yeah I think strings over the top could help Verlon....

I'm also thinking of using a variation of the keyboard solo as an intro... It definately needs something more to catch the interest.

[Wicked Deeds]

I hear that the ipad mic is brilliant for song sketches. Is that right?

Sorry, would one of the mods move this to the iPhone mic thread. Typing on my tiny smart phone led to wrong posting destination. Thanks.

[shadowfax]

Found this a little  strange, just seems like someone is doodling with a phone..what am I missing?

best, Kevin

[hardtwistmusic]

Found this a little  strange, just seems like someone is doodling with a phone..what am I missing?

best, Kevin

I think I'm hearing the same thing Kevin.  I think what it NEEDS is the vocal.  I think this is a vocal driven song. 

That's what I felt was "missing."  I can now "hear" what this wants to be. 

So, Doodles, if you want me to.... I'd be happy to sing in a vocal treatment and submit it to you.  If (and only if) you like it, then it would be (imo) time to think about additional instrumentation.  To add instrumentation right now would be to restrict the vocal (again, imo).   

Let me know.