[Jimir]

Hi
So this is the first song I've posted and I would appreciate your views. It's influenced by the song "Parachute" by Train and if you listen to that song you might get a better idea as to where i'm coming from. Train's song was sent to me as a message/promise when I was at a low point in my life to convey to me how someone was going to help me but in the end they failed to fulfil their promise.
I was in a relationship with them once and due to my job I could only see them at weekends. Every weekend I would travel home by train, eagerly waiting to see them again, their house was a twenty minute walk away, twelve hundred seconds.

"Shroud Lines"

No one to take me with them
No parachute to break my fall
A fall from grace
So far and so spectacular
Nothing to take away this pain
Nothing beautiful

(Chorus)
Watching the seconds pass on by
Till I was home again
Twelve hundred seconds
Till I was in your arms
But there's no homecoming when
Your missing

And when I hit the ground
Wasn't running, hit it hard
But picked myself back up again
And all these scars, they are here
To remind me what I lost
What I gave away
Too late to save the day
It was impossible
Impossible

(Chorus)
Watching the seconds pass on by
Till I was home again
Twelve hundred seconds
Till I was in your arms
But there's no homecoming when
Your missing
Missing

But I couldn't stop this train
So here I am, cut down to size
Right back to where I started from
And all this water
Can't wash away this stain

(Chorus)
Watching the seconds pass on by
Till I was home again
Twelve hundred seconds
Till I was in your arms
But there's no homecoming when
Your missing
Missing


Jimi R

[Mystic Dreamer]

Do you have a link to your song?  Or did you mean to post this in Lyrics?

[Jimir]

Apologies, my mistake, should have posted it in the lyrics section.

[Arkwright]

Hi Jimir and welcome to the forum...

My first observation about your lyrics is the structure. Now I'm no musician, in fact I'm very musically challenged, but I suspect this could be difficult to set to music because of the structure. For example you open with a six line verse, then after the chorus follow it with a nine line verse and finally with a five line verse. I'm sure though someone with greater knowledge than I will be along soon to tell me it would work just fine.

Onto the lyrics themselves, there are some lovely lines in there that create good imagery. I've tried to imagine your lyrics without your explanation as to what inspired them etc and I'm not sure I would have fully understood the story you want them to portray without the explanation. This isn't necessarily a bad thing and leaving them open to interpretation, as I myself recently discovered, can be a very positive aspect of a song. I just think if a set of lyrics aren't perfectly clear on their intent, then it's best to post them without explanation and let people decide what they want to make of them.

Overall I think it's a good effort and keep up the good work...

Steve

[Jimir]

Steve
Thanks for the feedback. Reference the second verse it's probably the way I've written it down but it fits the same chord progression that I use with the first verse. The five line verse is the bridge, my mistake I should of identified it as such.

Thanks for the advice in relation to maybe omitting the explanation, I can see where you're coming from, there are many great songs which one can identify with but at the same time the artists intent maybe different to your own interpretation but the ability for so many people to connect with the song is what makes it so popular.

Cheers
Jimir

[Bernd]

The different numbers of lines in the verses was the first 'issue' I observed, too. But since the verses seem to work with your accompaniment that's fine.

I can't make much sense of the bridge, though. How does a train come into the story. Maybe you're referring to a different meaning as in "train of thoughts"? Would that be clear to native speakers. I'm not sure (I'm German). Then there's yet another new image within just a few lines: the water.

Cheers,
Bernd

[hardtwistmusic]

Below are my suggestions for structure:   But first a question.  What are "shroud lines?"  Some sort of slang that doesn't translate to us Yanks - and maybe the Canadians - I assume? 

Some suggested changes are also included and underlined so you can find them easily. 

"Shroud Lines"

VERSE 1. 
No one to take me with them
No parachute to break my fall
A fall from grace
So far and so spectacular
Nothing to take away this pain
Nothing beautiful at all.  (The rhyme ties this together with the rest of the verse) 

(Chorus)
Watching the seconds pass on by
Till I was home again
Twelve hundred seconds
Till I was in your arms
But there's no homecoming when
Your missing, missing, missing. 
I'm so alarmed.     (again, one more rhyme helps tie it together.) 

BRIDGE: 
And when I hit the ground
Wasn't running, hit it hard
But picked myself back up again
And all these scars, they are here
To remind me what I lost
What I gave away
Too late to save the day
It was impossible
Impossible, I say.  (again, the rhyme ties this back to the rest of the chorus. 

(Chorus)

Verse 2: 
But I couldn't stop this train
So here I am, cut down to size
Right back __ where I started from  (the "to" disturbs the rhyme meter I think)
And all this rain   (again, creates a rhyme to tie this to the end line in the verse) 
Can't wash away this stain

(Chorus)

[MarS]

Hi,
I was just wondering why the title is not "Twelve Hundred Seconds ". As for the rest,I guess slight changes might be needed, depending on the music. I like the song!

[Vintage54]

        Greetings! and welcome,
           Not familiar with the song "Parachute" but i know where your'e coming from. I feel the disappointment, it comes across well. If you can do that, transfer feelings, and make others feel them to, then you've been successful in your endeavour. Good first post, i look forward to the next.

                                       Vintage54

[Jimir]

Hi guys

I've ran over the song on my guitar and the structure of the second verse should look like this:

And when I hit the ground wasn't running hit it hard
But picked myself back up again
And these scars they re here to remind me what I lost
What I gave away
Too late to save the day
It was impossible, impossible

This should fit better with the first verse.

Berd
The reference to a train is twofold. An acknowledgement to the band that influenced the song and it's also a metaphor for a force that can be difficult to stop when it gains momentum.
The water would be used to wash away a stain, the stain representing the damage done.

Hardtwistmusic
Thanks for the suggestions, appreciated, tried them but unfortunately didn't sit right, but thanks anyway. Was considering using the word "Rain" instead of water in th bridge but didn't want to be too derivative (reference song that inspired it)

MarS/Hardtwistmusic
"Shroud Lines" they are the lines/ropes that run from the parachute down to the harness. The title came first and the original concept was that the parachute failed (relaionship failed) because I became entangled in the shroud lines but I couldn't convey that lyrically. I stuck with the original title of the song however because I liked it and also because it's link with the lyrics of the song wasn't entirely obvious.

Vintage 54
Thanks for your kind words

Jimir