[lancelot0888]

Hi guys! Here's another song I wrote. It's about a man who's still in love with a girl named Grace but she didn't want to be with him anymore. So here it is:

"A Letter For Grace"
Verse 1:
I'm writing this letter
On this old sheet of paper
With a lamp beside me
But there's no light inside it

I wrote down the address
Of the place we used to mess
Where we made a promise
We place them inside these boxes

Refrain:
Do you ever wonder what went wrong?
This question is stuck in me for so long

Chorus:
Dear Grace,
I'm waiting on the same spot
Where you left my heart

Dear Grace,
I'm hoping for the last shot
Baby, let's work this out

Verse 2:
Remember the time when
The rain is falling everywhere
Then your lighting struck me
You pushed me down the valley

Ohh you said you don't want to be with me anymore
You dropped the bomb and left me craving for more

Refrain:
Do you ever wonder what went wrong?
This question is stuck in me for so long

Chorus:
Dear Grace,
I'm waiting on the same spot
Where you left my heart

Dear Grace,
I'm hoping for the last shot
Baby, let's work this out

Bridge:
Sincerely Yours, your long-lost lover
Sincerely Yours.

Chorus:
Dear Grace,
I'm waiting on the same spot
Where you left my heart

Dear Grace,
I'm hoping for the last shot
Baby, let's work this out

Bridge:
Sincerely Yours, your long-lost lover
Sincerely Yours.

[tracyl]

Hey Lancelot,
I think you did well in keeping the theme of this song at the center of it. As a lyricist, I focus more on the meaning and message of the words which is why I was kinda confused on the first verse on the couplet that says:
"I wrote down the address
Of the place we used to mess
Where we made a promise
We place them inside these boxes"

Why would he send it to the address of where they used to mess, did she kick him out? What do they place in the boxes? What is the promise that was made?

I think you should revise it and make it clearer.

For the second verse,
"The lightning struck me
You pushed me down the valley"

I kinda get the lightning strike reference but I think the valley part is not really needed and I don't see why there are the first two lines.

Overall, I couldn't see the rhythm but I'm sure you had one in mind when you wrote it. Best of luck.

P.S.: I apologize if my comments sound harsh and blunt, I'm just a straightforward person. I hope you can make the best of this song.

[lancelot0888]

Hey Lancelot,
I think you did well in keeping the theme of this song at the center of it. As a lyricist, I focus more on the meaning and message of the words which is why I was kinda confused on the first verse on the couplet that says:
"I wrote down the address
Of the place we used to mess
Where we made a promise
We place them inside these boxes"

Why would he send it to the address of where they used to mess, did she kick him out? What do they place in the boxes? What is the promise that was made?

I think you should revise it and make it clearer.

For the second verse,
"The lightning struck me
You pushed me down the valley"

I kinda get the lightning strike reference but I think the valley part is not really needed and I don't see why there are the first two lines.

Overall, I couldn't see the rhythm but I'm sure you had one in mind when you wrote it. Best of luck.

P.S.: I apologize if my comments sound harsh and blunt, I'm just a straightforward person. I hope you can make the best of this song.

Hi! Thank you for this amazing comments, I appreciate it.

Why would he send it to the address of where they used to mess, did she kick him out?
  -Yes, she kicked him out or she made him leave the house where they used to be together.
What do they place in the boxes?
  -I'm thinking of something like a "Promise Box" if there's such thing. They wrote down their promises and placed it inside the box.
What is the promise that was made?
  -The promise that no one should leave the other and to love each other forever (sounds cheesy) I think the refrain supports this line.

I'll revise it and make it clearer! Thanks for the feedback.

[lancelot0888]

I'm still looking for other feedback so I'll know the parts/areas of the song that needs improvement. Thanks

[Dogmax]

Just wondering do you play a instrument, nice lyrics.

[lancelot0888]

Just wondering do you play a instrument, nice lyrics.

Thank you! And yes, I do play guitar.

[lancelot0888]

I made a few edits:

FROM:

I wrote down the address
Of the place we used to mess
Where we made a promise
We place them inside these boxes

TO:

I wrote down the address
Of the place we used to mess
Where we wrote a promise
We place them inside these boxes

FROM:

Verse 2:
Remember the time when
The rain is falling everywhere
Then your lighting struck me
You pushed me down the valley

TO:

Verse 2:
Remember the time when
The rain is falling everywhere
Then your lightning struck me
I can't feel my body

FROM:

Ohh you said you don't want to be with me anymore
You dropped the bomb and left me craving for more

TO:

Ohh you said you don't want to be with me anymore
You dropped the bomb on the floor
and left me craving for more

[jamieF]

I'm liking it. The edits were an improvement, you are learning fast young man. You kept it centered and meaningful. I am going to print it out and hit with my red pen, I will pm you in a few days. I haven't been on lately, we suffereed a loss in the family and one of my parents was hospitalized so my time isn't my own for a while, i hope you understand.
Bottom line here is that this song is good, i like what you say in it, it just needs a little work. Each song you post is an opportunity to express yourself and to gain feedback from others. You seem to pay attention to what others say and you are getting better each time. I like that.
Anyway, I will pm you soon, hang loose!

[lancelot0888]

I'm liking it. The edits were an improvement, you are learning fast young man. You kept it centered and meaningful. I am going to print it out and hit with my red pen, I will pm you in a few days. I haven't been on lately, we suffereed a loss in the family and one of my parents was hospitalized so my time isn't my own for a while, i hope you understand.
Bottom line here is that this song is good, i like what you say in it, it just needs a little work. Each song you post is an opportunity to express yourself and to gain feedback from others. You seem to pay attention to what others say and you are getting better each time. I like that.
Anyway, I will pm you soon, hang loose!

Thank you so much for lending your precious time to give a feedback on my song. I'll be waiting for your message, it really means a lot. Cheers!


Others are still welcome to give a critique

[Dogmax]

Just wondering do you play a instrument, nice lyrics.

Thank you! And yes, I do play guitar.

Sometimes in lyric lines all you need to do is not change the words but rearrange them but i will say the last word in your first verse "boxes" to me means too many boxes.