[tracyl]

P.S.: Another one of my string of experimental writings, this one is kind of a seriously personal song, but I'd love to get a few more objective critiquing on it, please leave your comments, thank you. And if you can relate or sympathize to it, let me know too, if you want. Thanks to all who participate.


-Chorus-
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you
I'll wait..

-Verse One-
A thousand lights flashes in my sleep
A thousand faces but you're the one I need
You're not here and my heart's a thousand feet deep
You got me to miss you, now I don't know what to do

-Pre-Chorus-
You said to wait
I will obey
Forget what my mind says
I'll go my heart's way

-Chorus-
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you
I'll wait..

-Verse 2-
Each single night since, I lay a romantic dinner
Staring at the door, roses and candles on the floor
Waiting for you to come, to see the smile you wear
You got me to miss you, I don't know what yo do.

-Pre-Chorus-
You said to wait
I will obey
Forget what my mind says
I'll go my heart's way

-Chorus-
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you
I'll wait..

-Bridge-
I miss you like a bad shot
And I want you like crack
I wish I could kiss you like pasta
And cuddle like cats
I don't think I can go on
But

-Chorus-
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you
I'll wait..

-Rap/ Verse Three-
I'm like peanut butter without the jelly
I'm as good but not as jolly
Without you I'm not happy
I'm a drug addict without the acid
Its too hard to find the mind to miss what we did
We'd go out and party like Timmy and Ally
I'm sorry that wasn't too witty. To be
With you, its like sunset  with stars
Startling my sight, surprising my eyes
I'm saying that I want you here, but I understand you can't be
I'll be here waiting for you to come back to me
The odds aren't in my favor, things are worse than before but when you come back I'll be lying on the floor
With my little dinner, staring at the door
Things are the same as before you hit the car
Until that day baby I'll wait

-Chorus-
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you
I'll wait..

[Paulski]

Hi Tracy

I love the non-RAP parts!
Some great lines in there - like "a thousand faces" and "my heart's a thousand feet deep".
I think the title needs changing though - at least for a North American audience "To wait on" someone is to serve them like a waiter would do in a restaurant. Maybe "I'll Wait For You" ?

The RAP part seems like a different song - and to me makes light of the serious feeling that were expressed beforehand. I would take that out and use it in a new song 

Nice one
Paul

[hardtwistmusic]

This sang well, and with some drama.  The rap parts, I'd have to hear to know to grasp the meter. 

With the right music, this can really have wings.  And the rap parts could become more serious sounding with a somber but pretty musical score.  Perhaps if that music tied back to the rest of the song, the "prosody" between the rap lyrics and the sung lyrics could be improved. 

[PeeJay]

Hi,

I liked this and agree about the rap part having to be done correctly to work.

I wasn't sure about the 'crack' and 'pasta' lines in the bridge but maybe that's just me.

Nice one,

Phil.

[tracyl]

Hey guys, yeah the rap part was just cooked up for me to explain why he would wait in a light tone that increases in darkness as it goes. Does it kinda make sense now? Or does it still not work?