[Arkwright]

Hi gang...

It's been a while as I've been trying to finish up a couple of other literary projects. Feeling somewhat bereft after completing said projects, I thought I'd return to the fold for a while to keep my mind active and try and pen some new lyrics.

Not sure about the title for this one, so all suggestions gratefully accepted. The lyrics are a little dark and they certainly don't reflect my own state of mind, quite the opposite in fact, but they just sort of popped into my head, so I thought I'd get them down on paper so to speak. As usual, they're just a first draft, ready to be rewritten, so feel free to jump in and give me your thoughts and suggestions.

When...
VERSE 1
When silence becomes
The only sound I hear
When every thought I have
Leaves me filled with fear
When the darkness falls
And the light fails to rise
When the world looks bleak
Through sightless eyes

CHORUS
I walk a fine line 
Between love and hate
While destiny fights
To enrich my fate
With a tainted heart 
I bid the world farewell
Checkin’ in once again
To life’s "Heartbreak Hotel'

VERSE 2
When all I have left
Is a heart prone to weep
When all I desire
Is dark endless sleep
When life passes by
And I miss the last train
When the tears that I shed
Are obscured by the rain

MIDDLE 8
I see the bottle on the dresser
I see the answer in the mirror
I hear the slow ticking of time
I hear the laughter that isn't mine
I feel the faith slipping away
I feel the need for a brighter day
I long for strength to help me cope
I long for someone to give me hope

VERSE 3
When I look in the mirror
And tell myself lies
When the smile turns to frown
And the laughter dies
When I reach for the bottle
And the well has run dry
When the pain is so real
And I can no longer cry

CHORUS
I walk a fine line 
Between love and hate
While destiny fights
To enrich my fate
With a tainted heart 
I bid the world farewell
Checkin’ out for the last
From life's "Heartbreak Hotel'

OUTRO
When a new day dawns
And my sorrows they cease
When the pain is no more
I can embrace my peace
When the pain is no more
I can embrace my peace

[Neil C]

Hey glad to have you back.
Good title/concept and really enjoyed the read. Lots of good lines in there eg "When the tears that you shed Are obscured by the rain"
Wouldn't change anything.
 
Neil

[hardtwistmusic]

Beautiful use of words to convey emotion.  This is an intelligent, effective poem.   

My only nit is that it seems to be about a protagonist who has decided suicide is his/her best option.  There is no "resolution" in which that idea is dispelled and/or opposed.  Thus, it could be interpreted as a song supporting suicide as a legitimate option. 

I'm biased against art that (even ambiguously) do so.  I'd have loved this lyric/poem if it did not leave that ambiguous. 

[Arkwright]

Hey glad to have you back.
Good title/concept and really enjoyed the read. Lots of good lines in there eg "When the tears that you shed Are obscured by the rain"
Wouldn't change anything.
 
Neil

Thanks Neil... Always appreciate your feedback.

[Arkwright]

Beautiful use of words to convey emotion.  This is an intelligent, effective poem.   

My only nit is that it seems to be about a protagonist who has decided suicide is his/her best option.  There is no "resolution" in which that idea is dispelled and/or opposed.  Thus, it could be interpreted as a song supporting suicide as a legitimate option. 

I'm biased against art that (even ambiguously) do so.  I'd have loved this lyric/poem if it did not leave that ambiguous. 

Thanks for your observations. I certainly didn't set out to upset or alienate anyone with the lyrics, so I apologise reservedly of that's the case.

In my defence, I believe there's a subtle but important difference between promoting/encouraging suicide and writing about what for many people is a sad reality.

I would hope my lyrics fit into the latter, but fully appreciate your interpretation.

[PeeJay]

Hi,

I thought this was a nice write. The sombre nature of the lyrics could be neutralised by the music I suppose. 

The chorus is strong. If I was going to change anything it would maybe be the heartbreak motel line. Has echoes of Elvis and his hotel of a similar variety.

Nice one,

Phil.

[Arkwright]

Hi,

I thought this was a nice write. The sombre nature of the lyrics could be neutralised by the music I suppose. 

The chorus is strong. If I was going to change anything it would maybe be the heartbreak motel line. Has echoes of Elvis and his hotel of a similar variety.

Nice one,

Phil.

Thanks Phil and a good point made about the motel line. I guess I could make it Heartbreak Hotel in inverted commas as a direct tribute to the Elvis song or just look for something other than the word heartbreak.

[diademgrove]

I feel you've written two very good songs that don't necessarily meet.

The verses seem to be directed at someone other then the singer. The person feeling the pain isn't the singer, similar to Bridge Over Troubled Water. And yet the chorus is the singer expressing his/her pain. For me the song would work if the verses were written in the first person.

However, because of the hint of suicide it wouldn't work for me if the chorus was written in the third person. I'm not sure changing the chorus would work either. If you applauded the person's misery you'd come across as unfeeling and if you offered to help you'd have re-written Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

On balance I would go with changing the verses into the first person. I agree with Hardtwistmusic. The thought of suicide makes the lyrics difficult to empathise with.

If you disagree please feel free to ignore my suggestions.

Keith

[lillypilly]

I agree with Peejay

even though the song is quite sombre putting upbeat music can make a difference

A few songs of mine are quite sad and for good reason but I lift the game by making the music slightly upbeat

[Arkwright]

I feel you've written two very good songs that don't necessarily meet.

The verses seem to be directed at someone other then the singer. The person feeling the pain isn't the singer, similar to Bridge Over Troubled Water. And yet the chorus is the singer expressing his/her pain. For me the song would work if the verses were written in the first person.

On balance I would go with changing the verses into the first person. I agree with Hardtwistmusic. The thought of suicide makes the lyrics difficult to empathise with.

If you disagree please feel free to ignore my suggestions.

Keith

Hi Keith... I agree entirely with your observations. I've changed the verses to first person for the time being, though I think it adds a bit of 'hardness' to the lines and they were much softer in the third person (I know what I mean even if no one else does  ) I'll see if anyone else has a view over the next couple of days and then I might reverse them and put the chorus in third person to see how that goes down.

I stand by my previous comments about the subject matter and it's intention but understand fully why it may polarise people, at least it makes for interesting debate about what's acceptable and what isn't I guess.

Many thanks for your contribution...

[Arkwright]

Thanks for your comments PJ and Lillypilly...

In my head, the natural feel for the music is a slow bluesy type affair, but the idea of making it upbeat is an interesting one.

However, as I have no musical talent whatsoever, different versions are unlikely to ever be made.

I presently have an offer from a forum member to put some music to the lyrics and I'm really looking forward to what he does as he worked on one of my previous songs and did a great job.

[diademgrove]

I feel you've written two very good songs that don't necessarily meet.

The verses seem to be directed at someone other then the singer. The person feeling the pain isn't the singer, similar to Bridge Over Troubled Water. And yet the chorus is the singer expressing his/her pain. For me the song would work if the verses were written in the first person.

On balance I would go with changing the verses into the first person. I agree with Hardtwistmusic. The thought of suicide makes the lyrics difficult to empathise with.

If you disagree please feel free to ignore my suggestions.

Keith

Hi Keith... I agree entirely with your observations. I've changed the verses to first person for the time being, though I think it adds a bit of 'hardness' to the lines and they were much softer in the third person (I know what I mean even if no one else does  ) I'll see if anyone else has a view over the next couple of days and then I might reverse them and put the chorus in third person to see how that goes down.

I stand by my previous comments about the subject matter and it's intention but understand fully why it may polarise people, at least it makes for interesting debate about what's acceptable and what isn't I guess.

Many thanks for your contribution...

Hi Arkwright,

I think the hardness comes from the subject matter. By making the lyrics internally consistent it brings out the nature of the song. Life is so difficult you can only find peace in suicide. When the verses are written in the first person the meaning of the song is clear. There is no escape because you've made up your mind.

When the verse is written in the third person it gives the song hope that the singer can help the person being sung to.

As you've noted, the first person is hard, the third person softer, that's people generally prefer hope over despair.

I think you'll find another contradiction when you come to put the verse and chorus into the third person, but, if you don't mind, I'll wait and see if you come to the same conclusion I did when I tried it.

Hopefully you'll get some more feedback on your changes.

Keith

[Paulski]

Hi Arkwright

Well, you've waded into some deep murky waters here..
I think it's a well written piece even if it's limited to a few genres (that support dark subject matter) For me there is a subtle "tense" issue. The verses read like "when this happens", then the chorus answers with "I do this". But, you can commit suicide only once so I don't understand how the sequence can be repeated? Maybe he can "plan" to do something in the earlier choruses, then do it in the end? And while I'm whining, I also wasn't keen on "heartbreak motel". It's a tough subject to write about so kudos for taking a run at it - I'll never be that brave!

Paul

[Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra]

Hi Mr Arkwright

I'm choosing to read the lyric (with a tweak or two perhaps) not as a suicide note but a withdrawal from life sort of thing. Life goes on, but is that good or bad if you like.

'I can't live if living is without you' doesn't necessarily mean throwing yourself off a cliff.

So with this in mind (and I prefer it like that) he won't be checking out of Heartbreak Hotel but checking in. Damn shame somebody else got there first because this is the obvious punchline.

Anyway I've come up with some music for this. It's suitably melancholic in a minor key but hopefully you won't want to slit your wrists after hearing it.

If you're interested I'll get in touch after I've managed to do a rough recording?
I realise you haven't submitted it for a collaboration but why not?

Perhaps we could rustle up somebody to do an appropriate vocal etc etc.

I like the lyric...just needs a bit of honing I think...

[Arkwright]

Having read all the comments so far, I thought now would be a good time to give my take on these lyrics and how they came about.

Firstly let me say that when I penned them, I did not have in mind a main protagonist who ultimately commits suicide. I understand how many people have now come to interpret the lyrics in that way and it makes me feel a little uneasy that the lyrics could have a detrimental effect on someone reading/listening to them.

The lyrics in truth are a very condensed expression of the feelings I listen to most days in the job I do working with very vulnerable young people with some serious mental health and psychological problems problems. They talk to me about the dark places they go to, about the feelings of ending it all, about the sense of hopelessness etc. After 25 years doing this kind of work and working with hundreds of young people, it is only a tiny almost imperceptible percent who ultimately took their own lives, but each and everyone one of them had the kind of feelings contained in the lyrics. I think my intention was to simply highlight and express some of those feelings without it becoming a pro suicide song.

Now with hindsight after looking at some of the comments, I may have to concede I got it wrong and I was seriously considering taking the lyrics down.

However, I am grateful for Cramers input who has managed to explain clearly what I have been unable to explain and his example of 'Can't live if living is without you' helps me feel a little more comfortable about what I've written.

The lyrics will still remain open to interpretation and it's not my intention to try and change anyone's interpretation, but I thought it important to clarify where I was coming from when I wrote it.