[crystalsuzy]

Some spacey harmony in the chorus might sound nice...just ask if you want me to give it a try

I would be absolutely thrilled if you wanted to do something with this.  If you would be willing to download a (free - download) software called "Notation Player" If you had it, I could send you the complete musical notation so that you can see and hear every note.  

Otherwise, I can send you mp3 music of any, and/or all the tracks individually.  

OR.... I can send you all this in Midi format.  

OR  any way you would like.  

Thank You for the offer.  

AND just so that the whole forum knows.  There are only a few of my songs that are NOT available for collaboration with.  

Those songs are only "unavailable" because they are already the result of collaborations and I don't have complete freedom to share credit or ownership on them.

Love too...I will PM you

[seriousfun]

Good comments in this thread on a good song. Kudos Verlon.

As for the strings, I think they are just a bit too abrupt and up front. You could soften them with some reverb and have them fade in and fade out to add some more realism to them. If I am working with midi strings often to get them to sit better I render them as individual wav tracks when I am happy with what I have programmed in and then I import the wav file as a separate track. I can then play with the volume and have them come in and out for some nice realism. Even in the middle of the wav file at chord changes I can have the volumes altering just as an orchestra would. They don't play at the same volume all the time.  Hope that helps going forward.

Good song, really enjoyed this mate.

Allan.

[hardtwistmusic]

Good comments in this thread on a good song. Kudos Verlon.

As for the strings, I think they are just a bit too abrupt and up front. You could soften them with some reverb and have them fade in and fade out to add some more realism to them. If I am working with midi strings often to get them to sit better I render them as individual wav tracks when I am happy with what I have programmed in and then I import the wav file as a separate track. I can then play with the volume and have them come in and out for some nice realism. Even in the middle of the wav file at chord changes I can have the volumes altering just as an orchestra would. They don't play at the same volume all the time.  Hope that helps going forward.

Good song, really enjoyed this mate.

Allan.

Thank you Allan:   That is good advice that I will use.   The advice regarding the individual tracks is something I'll have to make sure I have the software to do.... but I'm pretty sure I can do it. 

I've often thought about recording all the tracks individually so that I can manipulate them in the mixer.  Been too intimidated and too lazy in the past.  But I can see that it's time now to begin doing this. 

Thank you so much. 

[montydog]

Hi Verlon,

You're right; it is the best thing you've done so far and I can hear that you have improved in leaps and bounds in the areas you needed to improve. I agree with others that the strings are probably not necessary. Together with the drum track they combine to make the sound a little too artificial. I also think your vocal would benefit from some reverb - it's a great tool if used sparingly.

Hats off to you for your rate of progress. Now the recordings are getting up to speed with the song writing and singing.

M

[hardtwistmusic]

Hi Verlon,

You're right; it is the best thing you've done so far and I can hear that you have improved in leaps and bounds in the areas you needed to improve. I agree with others that the strings are probably not necessary. Together with the drum track they combine to make the sound a little too artificial. I also think your vocal would benefit from some reverb - it's a great tool if used sparingly.

Hats off to you for your rate of progress. Now the recordings are getting up to speed with the song writing and singing.

M

Thank you.  Your critiques are always meaningful. 

BTW... I've been listening to your version of "Any Old Angel" a lot, and am ready to attempt another vocal for it.   Had to set it aside for awhile,  and listen a lot to get a vocal strategy if there is such a thing. 

[irwin]

Yes, I like this version much more better than the first one. I like your voice too. Lovely song.

Irwin

[nooms]

love your voice verlon, can hear the tendons moving, kind of tremor in it just this side of vibrato, natural and emotional.
i preferred the simplicity of the first rythm track and vocal on the second but no matter the song is there
terrific lyric , last verse especially

I have nurtured you, sustained you.
I am the soil from which you grew.
You're contempt for me is not easily explained..

great stuff

[hardtwistmusic]

Yes, I like this version much more better than the first one. I like your voice too. Lovely song.

Irwin

Thank you for taking the time to listen to both.  It's a little funny about improving a song.

First there are the mixed emotions because the old version was "my baby." 

Then, the mixed emotions while you wait to see how it is received - confident that you have improved it.... but afraid you haven't. 

Then the brief period when the changes are well received, but there are additional changes advised -- changes you are in no hurry to get to until the glow of excitement recedes.  You want to cling to that as long as you can. 

Then, back to the mixed emotions as you sort out which additional advice would improve the song and which you will have to reject or re-work. 

Then, back to work.  Usually about six months later.  It's a wonderful, scary, neat, cycle. 

[James Nighthawk]

This is an odd chap. The arrange and sound choices seem to be rather electro pop, but I could imagine this working far more naturally in a more organic setting. This may just be a setup limitation

I like the lines that drop down ("I am not your property")

This reminds me of Alanis Morrissette psychobabble-style lyrics in sections. She went through a stage of starting all lines with the same lead words ("I am...." in this case)

There is a charm to this, but it does risk irking the ear after a while. With the chords staying pretty consistent, it's a double whammy here...

I would personally take this, rejig a little and bring in the guitars. But then, that's just how "I" would proceed, not what is necessary

Great work getting to learn the production stuff more and more

James x

[hardtwistmusic]

This is an odd chap. The arrange and sound choices seem to be rather electro pop, but I could imagine this working far more naturally in a more organic setting. This may just be a setup limitation

I like the lines that drop down ("I am not your property")

This reminds me of Alanis Morrissette psychobabble-style lyrics in sections. She went through a stage of starting all lines with the same lead words ("I am...." in this case)

There is a charm to this, but it does risk irking the ear after a while. With the chords staying pretty consistent, it's a double whammy here...

I would personally take this, rejig a little and bring in the guitars. But then, that's just how "I" would proceed, not what is necessary

Great work getting to learn the production stuff more and more

James x

Thank you James.  I have great respect for your musical acumen, and also appreciate that you take the time to tailor your advice to the "accomplishment level" of those you review. 

YOU WROTE:  "This may just be a setup limitation"  --  )  Actually, one part "setup limitation" and two parts "operator limitation."  The big limitation to my songwriting is what I still don't know.  I just retired, and will have time to take some classes.  Hopefully, that will "fast forward" some of my limitations. 

[Marrianna]

HTM Verlon,

Once a song or words have been aired publicly, looked at, listened to and ideas and thoughts contributed, it takes a while to settle with what was originally created. But, when the settling in starts again, I think you will either feel convinced you want to stay with what you created, or feel that your song or recording could benefit from some tweaks and changes. These don't have to be what has been suggested on here but could set you thinking with more ideas of your own.

The main thing is that if you believe completely in what you have created yourself, your belief is the most important thing to you.

Anything you decide to do must be because you want to. 

These are just my own thoughts and can be ignored.

Marrianna

[hardtwistmusic]

HTM Verlon,

Once a song or words have been aired publicly, looked at, listened to and ideas and thoughts contributed, it takes a while to settle with what was originally created. But, when the settling in starts again, I think you will either feel convinced you want to stay with what you created, or feel that your song or recording could benefit from some tweaks and changes. These don't have to be what has been suggested on here but could set you thinking with more ideas of your own.

The main thing is that if you believe completely in what you have created yourself, your belief is the most important thing to you.

Anything you decide to do must be because you want to. 

These are just my own thoughts and can be ignored.

Marrianna

Thank you Marrianna:   I've learned that you have to LISTEN to all criticism, but you can't REACT to all of it.  You are completely right.  The songwriter has to be OPEN to change, but ultimately, it has to remain his/her song. 

This song won't change now for some time.  Until it has "simmered" for a relatively long time, I'll just let all the advice and ideas simmer with it.  It will probably be at least six months before I revisit it..... and by then, there will be some clarity in my mind about whether I'm finished with it or not. 

In the meantime, I think that Crystal Suzy is going to do a version of it, and I'm really excited about that. 

[TheButcher]

I like, how you approach the topic. the environmental thing - it s a fresh view. I like that; it comes across honest. usually, i  don t like these kinda lyrics; here it works - for me.

You had some good hints on how to improve the music (strings too loud) but overall, the music fits the song very well.

You could also improve on the timing in terms of singing - really sing on spot. makes the whole thing sound tighter.

still, a nice song, i enjoyed the listen

B

[Jathon Delsy]

Attention caught by the title - what could this be, a bombastic metal freak feast of existentially planetary pretension? But my cynicism is pleasantly assuaged by this earnestly spiritual homily with its almost Zen like poetry of enlightened environmentalism and cosmic interdependence. Sung with an appealing sincerity and produced in an freshly open style, this thoughtful piece is a pleasure,,,,,

[hardtwistmusic]

Attention caught by the title - what could this be, a bombastic metal freak feast of existentially planetary pretension? But my cynicism is pleasantly assuaged by this earnestly spiritual homily with its almost Zen like poetry of enlightened environmentalism and cosmic interdependence. Sung with an appealing sincerity and produced in an freshly open style, this thoughtful piece is a pleasure,,,,,

Thank you so much Jathon.  "Zen Like poetry" is a huge compliment to my ears.  This was initially a poem that I thought I couldn't do justice to with music.  It was a poem for three years before I dared to try.  Three attempts at music failed to do the trick. 

Then a piece of music that I had written for another purpose fit this poem almost perfectly.  Funny how that works.