[shortwhat]

Okay so I decided I'd write a song about this TV show I watched, the story behind this is two parents who break up because their daughter is depressed and their love can't handle it. It's in the perspective of the mother because I feel like I could connect with that side of the story, so it's narrated from her perspective, and the 'you' is the husband..

Your Only Love

VERSE:
Throwing her books away
She’d read every god damn page
Her father taught her who to be
But she never learned anything

You put on your favourite smile
Try to make today worthwhile
But you say you’re just too bored
Well what’re you waiting for?

VERSE P2:
She’s got a hopeless dream
She buried her self esteem
She took her vitamins
But she’s got a deficit

You asked me to learn my place
Wipe the smile off my face
Because I don’t know what it’s like
And I never apologise

CHORUS:
But who am I to say you’re wrong
I thought I knew you

I guess I’ll let you carry on
But I miss you

VERSE:
When she was just a girl
She was unaware of the world
She played princess and I played queen
Her heroes still on the screens

You used to calm her when she was sad
You used to tell her it’s not so bad
And the day you sent me away it was so, so bad.

ALTERNATE VERSE:
She drives up on the weekends now
We share a coffee and I ask her how
You've been making out

You’re sleeping with your boss
Hope she makes up what you lost
And you call her your only love
What could that remind you of?

CHORUS:
But who am I to say you’re wrong
I thought I knew you

I guess I’ll let you carry on
But I miss you

I miss you
I miss you

[PeeJay]

Hi,

I thought this was an interesting idea with the mixture of relationship break up and parent/daughter relationship.

I have to say i found it a little confusing in parts as it switched between those two angles. 

You got some nice lines in there.

Phil.

[onemanband]

Throwing her books away
She’d read every god damn page

That is such an excellent opening two lines.

although the song as a whole doesn't seem very well structured to me at the moment. A trick I use is to - say you intend on having three verses, as I think you have here if you don't include the alternative - is to give each a different perspective.

for example

1st verse - set in/addressing the past

2nd verse - set in/addressing the present

3rd verse - set in/addressing the future

This has the effect of making the listener/reader feel like the song is constantly moving and at the end making it feel like it has reached a natural conclusion and rewarding conclusion.

Good luck with this I think you have a good subject matter, and one of the most important things, a opening that grabs the listener and doesn't let them leave.

[shortwhat]

thanks guys, I can see how the structure could be conceived badly, I was thinking about it before I finished the song, I was trying to link in the past tense verses with the future verses. I'll go back over it in a little while

[Vintage54]

      Howdy!
         This is kinda like a jigsaw puzzle, but the pieces have been put together in a way that confuses. I know it could be a great picture, cause you've got some great lines. But it jumps around too much. It sounds like i'm being critical, but that's not where i'm coming from, i only want to encourage. It just needs a little reshaping that's all, to make it shine clear and bright. All the pieces are there, they just need to fit.

                               Vintage54

[Marrianna]

Hi shortwhat

I agree with the above posters that it all needs to be sorted out. Is all bits and pieces and interesting
lines. It starts off good but then it gets confusing, (for me anyway). Would be hard to set to music this way so it isn't ready to be a song yet. Just needs time and patience. 

Marrianna

[shortwhat]

After reading all you're excellent feedback I've decided that I'm gonna harvest some of the good lines from this and redo it, maybe even change what it's about... I'm gonna repost the new version as soon as it's finished so thanks guys for the advice <3