[062876344]

Any advice welcome in terms of structure and actual lyrics whether i should rethink some bits or even remove some!!!

V1
I gave all I had
to your selfish charity
it became quite clear
you know not of parity

V2
in your distinguished guilt
the path you have chosen
holds no moral bearing
with what you have proven

Chorus
you hold yourself high
in the wake of the sea
without any regard
for what was to be

V3
ill plant my stake
in this gravelly ruin
I'll entertain the idea
that I know what i'm doing

V4
But I dont, But I dont
you wreck the foundation
of my castle of stone
dictator of a broken nation

Chorus
you hold yourself high
in the wake of the sea
without any regard
for what was to be

[Paulski]

Welcome to the forum!

I quite liked this lyric. It has a nice flow and the chorus is really strong IMO.
Also some great near-rhymes make it interesting.

A couple of minor suggs in wording:

you know not of parity

seemed kind of gothic - maybe:

you don't know of parity

also the same for this line:

with not any regard

maybe:

without any regard

Lastly this line seems like it has too many syllables:

the dictator of a broken nation

Ignore me at will!
Nice one!
Paul

[062876344]

Hi there paulski!

Thank you very much for your contributions, i do think you are right in saying those changes although i would quite like to keep the line as "you know not of parity" if you dont mind!

Thank you very much for your suggestions

Alex