[062876344]

So basically, it starts with a girl.... i mess it up with her and she then makes it her mission to make my life a living hell because of it, but i still sorta love her then in the end i find myself being the one that hurt her. This is only the second song ive ever written and being a noob at song writing i dont know how to chordify/think of a tune.

that was problem 1, problem 2: i cant sing. so if there are any singer/songwriters out there willing to collaborate on this song then please contact me on PM!!!

Any advice welcome!

Take what i hold holy
(verse)
Go ahead,  tell them what you believe to be truth
even though you've never held any proof
go and tear the boundaries of my castle down
and look upon my suffering with a distasteful frown
you've never, never had the disposition to care
in your minds eye is that what you think to be fair

(pre chorus)
after all is said and all is done
why  should you kill what is already nothing
when it is you, when it is you, you who has won?

(Chorus)
telling of pain is all but hopeless
the person I face is shallow and blameless
I stand in the shade of your innocent glory
take what I hold holy; rip the truth from my story

(verse)
when all of your lies are weak and spent
am i the one that is broken and bent?
are you so sure that I am to follow?
even though I still bathe in my sadness and sorrow
take what is left, rape it away
be thorough; let none of it stay

(pre chorus)
after all is said and all is done
why  should you kill what is already nothing
when it is you, when it is you, you who has won?

(Chorus)
telling of pain is all but hopeless
the person I face is shallow and blameless
I stand in the shade of your innocent glory
take what I hold holy; rip the truth from my story

(verse)
cast a glance, what is it you see?
The sin and regret residing in me.
Where all that I've done is naked and bare
so everyone knows what is there
Or is it a sight you choose to ignore
and when the moment is right you notice once more

(Pre-chorus)
after all i've done and all i've said.
Why should I kill what is already nothing?
After all It is me who has won

(Chorus)
telling of our pain is nothing but shameless
facing each other is shallow and hopeless
standing in the shade of the others guilty glory
we take whats held holy; steal the truth from our story

[Vintage54]

        Greetings,
            If this is only your second song, wouldn't mind seeing the first one also, cos this is darn good.
 The only part i had a problem with was "Rape it away" why not just "Take it away" Apart from that, no complaints from me.

                                   Vintage54

[062876344]

Hi there Vintage thanks very much for your reply. ill try to explain why i used 'rape' instead of take or other words. i suppose the majority of what rape is and means is doing something without a persons consent and also it is thought to be a brutal almost animalistic sentiment when you rape someone. you are sort of 'claiming' a person if you will and in the song i guess i meant take everything i have away as you (the girl/boy) owns me in some respects.

(disclaimer: i in by no way mean literal rape. i mean it figuratively)

also i found the first song i ever wrote. although i do believe this to be extremely childish. i wrote it last year around this time during exam period when i was meant to be revising (thug life). i wrote it about my girlfriend of 4 years who was sadly taken away from me when she was ran over by a bus. it isnt what i would call "good material" but it helped me to sorta express myself even if noone saw it.

Also i cannot claim the entirety of this song to be mine as the first 2 lines are effectively stolen from photograph by nickelback but i did not realise this at the time and went ahead with the song. i only realised after that i had plagiarised.

(verse 1)
staring at that photograph
every time it makes me laugh
thinking about the times that we had
I swear ill never get them back

(verse 2)
remembering that time when we...
took that boat out to sea
and then lay under the stars
and forgot about who we are

(bridge)
Im thinking about your face
whilst packing your old suitcase
with all the things that we had
dont you know it makes me sad

(chorus X2)
never knew what it cost
to lose someone you loved
im staring into the abyss
now that I know what I miss

(interlude)
 
(verse 3)
maybe thats what god meant
to take you when I was spent
im laying down under the stars
but I dont know which one you are

I hope that you are up there
thinking about me down here
im on earth lying in a place
where we used to play

(bridge)

(chorusX2)

(skit)
im not thinking about your face
or packing your old suitcase
im leaving all the things that we had
and that doesnt make me feel sad

(chorus X2)

staring at the photograph
every time it makes me laugh
thinking about the time that we had
and hoping I can bring you back

[Vintage54]

       Hello again,
            Not for one second did i think you meant it in the literal sense bud, it just didn't feel right, thats all. But don't let anybody mess with your lyrics, you created them, so your'e the boss. As to your'e first song, simplistic yes, but i wouldn't say childish, and knowing the story of how it came about, heartfelt and poignant. Power to your elbow young man.

                                   Vintage54

[tomcrocus]

Hello there,
                 that's spot on pal a great write,i look forward to
reading more of your lyrics,good luck,
                                                     tom.

[062876344]

Hi there,

thanks for the compliments! are any of you singers? or do you know of a person who is willing to collab on this and do the singing?

as i said im not a singer myself!

alex

[hardtwistmusic]

Couple of things. 

1.  The second song should be posted in it's own new post.  It's technically against the rules here to post both in the same thread.  Not a big issue in any way, but it will get better attention if you make a new thread for it. 

2.  If anything, the second song (first one you wrote) is at least as good as the first one. 

It's simpler (that's a good thing with most lyrics) and easy for a casual listener to identify with. 

The lyric you first posted is quite good.  It easily accepts a tune, and would quickly accept accompaniment.  If no one else wants to add music to it, let me know.  Give it a week or so.  I'm not the best choice, but I'm okay at finding simple accompaniments that will communicate a song musically.