Comment what you think!

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Daphn.eh

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« on: January 28, 2015, 03:48:20 PM »
I hope the grammar is alright, keep in mind that english isn't my first language.
Enjoy!

It can’t compete

I never believed in perfection,
never thought there could be such a thing,
But you are quite close, not to mention,
When you shimmer in the light, like a diamond ring.

When I felt your hair caress my cheeks,
Saw the veins in your arms, when you held me tight,
I knew I’d see you in my sleep,
And I’d never want to awake.

You put leather jacket around my shoulders,
When it started to get colder,
And I felt the summer air against my skin,
But it could never compete with your touch.

You showed me your favourite places,
And kissed me in every spot,
But it could never compete,
With the sight of you, lighting a cigarette
And blowing the smoke out your mouth in the back seat.

When I felt your hair caress my cheeks,
saw the veins in your arms, when you held me tight,
I knew I’d see you in my sleep,
And I’d never want to awake.

I looked for things as beautiful as you,
But never found a better view,
There were no eyes like yours, in a stunning midnight blue.
I tried to find comfort in the waves of the sea,
Still nothing competes with you holding me,
I knew you were the only thing I missed when I wasn’t home.

I could only hope that you,
See me too, as a work of art.


« Last Edit: January 28, 2015, 07:51:04 PM by Daphn.eh »

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2015, 07:26:31 PM »
Hi Daphne:   Here are some suggestions for grammatical changes.  Use any that you like.  Changes and/or omissions are underlined. 

It can’t compete

I never believed in perfection,
Never thought there could be such a thing,
But you are quite close, not to mention,
When you shimmer in the light, like a diamond ring.

When I felt your hair caress my cheeks,
Saw the veins in your arms, when you held me tight,
I knew I’d see you in my sleep,
And I’d never want to awake.

Your put your leather jacket around my shoulders,
When it started to get colder,
And I felt the summer air against my skin,
But it could never compete with your touch.

You showed me your favourite places,
And kissed me in every spot,
But it could never compete,
With the sight of you, lighting a cigarette
And blowing the smoke out your mouth in the back seat.

When I felt your hair caress my cheek_.
Saw the veins in your arms, when you held me tight.
I knew I’d see you in my sleep,
And I’d never want to awake.

I looked for things _ as beautiful as you,
But never found a better view,
There were no eyes like yours, in a stunning midnight blue.
_ I tried to find comfort in the waves of the sea,
Still nothing competes with you holding me,
_I knew _ you were the only thing I missed when I wasn’t home.

I could only hope that you,
See me too,
as a work of art.



[/quote]
« Last Edit: January 28, 2015, 07:32:47 PM by hardtwistmusic »
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Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

Bernd

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« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2015, 02:29:16 PM »
Nice little love song :-)

I'm not sure about the line "But never found a better view" - I'd have preferred "sight". But I'm not a native speaker - and then there's the rhyme... The online dictionary says it's okay. Verlon will know...

Cheers,
Bernd

Bernd
good lyricist, mediocre songwriter, lousy musician
likes rock but writes for anybody anyway ;-)