konalavadome

Everybody's Everytihng

  • 4 Replies
  • 1559 Views

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

alexwall

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 3
« on: December 02, 2014, 05:09:00 PM »
This is my first time posting on this fourm, I hope this little poem/song is ok, and i would REALLY appreciate any help i can get!


Everybody's I
Everybody's we
Everybody's us
Everybody's me
Everybody's you, he, she and them
Everybody's fighting for the same countrymen
Everybody tries
Everybody falls
Everybody's thin, fat, short and tall
Everybody lives
Everybody dies
Everybody looks at loved ones, like you do, in the eyes.

So stop killing them in crippling wars
Because you're killing yourself in other life forms
we are one people
one connected web
so stop cutting the bonds which prevent us from dread

Each man that dies effects us all
It doesn't matter if he's ours, theirs or yours
because we're all linked, and we're all connected
and we're relying on you, the people we've elected
to stop the war, and prevent the death
but you just fuel the fire, and like an addict on meth
we go round and round in a continuous cycle
we fear, we bomb, we relax, we debate in Whitehall

its time to kick the habbit, to look up and break out
and realise, we are without a doubt, just killing ourselves
and when they scream and shout, its really just us
warning ourselves
that if you kill a man, a little light in this bright world, goes out.

Paulski

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 4418
« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2014, 05:53:23 PM »
Hi and welcome!
I like your poem - esp liked the concept that when you hurt someone, you are hurting everyone.
If you want this to become a song though, I would suggest that you read up a bit on song structure.
With a bit of paring down, that opening stanza could be a great chorus, and you have some great lines in there that can be grouped together to be your verses.
Once you have a basic structure designed it will be easier for reviewers to imagine how it "sings" in their head and give better feedback.
Good luck with this!
Paul

alexwall

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 3
« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2014, 05:23:55 PM »
Thank you, at the weekend i will read up on structure a little more and try to learn the craft :) and thanks for the feedback :)

hardtwistmusic

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 3037
  • Central Oregon Sunset
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2014, 05:15:47 AM »
The opening cryptic, set of lines is brilliant (imo) as I read it.   It really works as a poem.  It would really work as a lyric.  I'm sure of it.  (Or as sure as I get anyway.) 

The explanatory lines that follow it are good.... but they "feel" so long winded after that cryptic opening.  They are necessary.... but I couldn't help but catch myself wishing you could stay cryptic and short in the explanation also. 

I can see it would be do-able.  I think it would be far more dramatic if it were cryptic throughout with only a longer bridge to tie it together at about the 3/5 point of the lyric. 

I love the concept.  I think it's very good as it currently is.  But I think it could get incredible. 
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

alexwall

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 3
« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2014, 03:36:48 PM »
Id welcome anybody who'd like to play about with it to do so :) i just found the fourm and wrote it in 10 or so minuets haha, its looks different reading it back now to what it did, as i said, feel fre to play about with it :)