[richardvocal]

So, a funny thing happened. For some time I have written for a burgeoning teen band. Saccharin stuff, lyrics only so the band can work them up.  Stuff of the "I love you why don't you love me back" variety.

A while back I began some voluntary work involving contact with people at their most vulnerable. And open. And honest. And raw. You know, that place where the best songs come from.

Suddenly, I find myself affected by what I am experiencing and using it in my lyrics. Here is my first shot. I have absolutely zero idea what I'll do with it. Definitely not a teeny song.

All constructive feedback appreciated on my first dip into the unknown:

Broken Doll

CD’s by Rush and Elvis Costello
Football stickers
a rusty barbecue
An afghan coat
Lego bits and Letraset
I snubbed them all
For a broken doll

The dress was torn, the arms were deeply grooved
The legs were dented
Left foot had no shoe
I found a cord
Ringpulled from its back
And heard the angry call
Of a broken doll

You never know
What you’ll find
If you rummage through
A fractured mind

I’m no toymaker, I’m no handyman
Took her anyway
I just do what I can
New dress new shoes
But I don’t touch the dents
Cos even standing tall
She’s a broken doll

Every day I reach to pull the cord
And listen to the voice
each angry word
Ironic laughter
Anguished cries of pain
Burst from the tortured soul
Of the broken doll

Each morning I wake fearing what I’ll find
Sometimes that cord gets
tangled round her mind
Those are the days
her arms get groovier
Each new day takes its toll
On the broken doll

I saw myself as Action Man
When I was younger, stronger
I’m facing up to what I am
And what I am no longer
Sometimes you need the naked truth
Sometimes you need a mirror
Held up so you can see yourself much clearer

She’s no Barbie doll, she’s no Cindy
This force of nature
Lives deep within me
She bites my hand
When I feed her love
But she doesn’t see
This broken doll is fixing me

You never know
What you’ll find
If you rummage through
A fractured mind

[Jambrains]

This is my first comment in the lyrics section and there will probably not be many more since I find it almost impossible to judge lyrics without the song. To me they are so interconnected that I cannot related to one without the other.

Nevertheless, I really like this. I tend to write pretty "dark" lyrics myself so I can absolutely relate to this and I think the ragged doll metaphor works very well.

Writing a song that can carry the weight of these lyrics will be a major challenge for sure. Two different approaches comes to mind:
- Focus on the heartbreaking aspect. A sparse, naked arrangement with a not-so-polished voice. Think Nick Cave as an example.
- Focus more on the desperation and anger. Some really heavy performance, think Sad but True or The Unforgiven by Metallica.

I'd be very interested to hear what you come up with.

/Johan

[richardvocal]

Thanks for your feedback, Johan. My regular collaborator came up with a Tom Waits vibe, not far from your Nick Cave suggestion, but it just didn't carry the necessary weight.

In my head I think it has to be carried by a heavy band. There is no chorus, just a pre-chorus (You never know...) that I envisage running into a funky, driving, instrumental section.

I wrote it after listening to Can't Stop by The Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Failsafe by The Gutter Brothers (if you don't know that track, it's worth 4 minutes of your time).

I need to find the right band to work it up, I think.

[Paulski]

Excellent theme and concept! As a musician, I think it might be a challenge to make 7 line verses work, but you're consistent in structure so that might just make it more interesting a song. For me, I would have liked the stanza "You never know..." to begin the song, then end the song so you have a sandwich so to speak. And the word "groovier" made me reckon back to the 60's term "groovy" so might want to consider changing that.
Otherwise a strong write IMHO
Paul

[richardvocal]

Thanks Paul. They're actually 4 line verses  ; I broke lines down as a reminder to myself how I wanted the vocal phrased. Apologies if that confused you.

Your point about groovy is an interesting one. I use the word 'grooved' in a previous verse and 'groovier' to show that state has increased. When I wrote it I patted myself on the back for using an ambiguous  word with two totally disparate meanings. Have I failed to make clear enough what I'm actually alluding to?

[hardtwistmusic]

Frightfully interesting.   This lyric has incredible power.  Part of that is that it "lulls" a bit,, then gets pulled together by one or two exceptionally powerful lines. 

The "lull" is a vital as the powerful lines.... though you have to really look hard to notice that. 

I'll leave this sit and come back to it and view it again and see what else hits me after a second listen tomorrow.

[benjo]

 MAN I LIKE THIS

 i don't know if i got the story you were trying to tell here
 but the story i got really hooked me in and kept me

 some of the lines need a little attention  the line     CD'S BY RUSH AND COSTELLO
 something like that just to tighten up

 great imagery, the feeling i got and thought would work so well was
 that this doll you found was a real girl who had serious issues
 and was harming herself, and you became the action man by getting her life
 back on track and in a loving relationship

 can't wait to see what happens with the music  JOY DIVISION COMES TO MIND FOR ME

   
            if i'm totally wrong on this i'm sorry, but it sure got my mind working


                    good luck with this look forward to more from you

                              tony
 

[richardvocal]

Thanks Tony and, give or take a nuance, you totally got it.

What did you feel was wrong with the first line?

[Jambrains]

Thanks Tony and, give or take a nuance, you totally got it.

What did you feel was wrong with the first line?

Any line containing the word Rush (as in the greatest band ever) cannot, by any definition known to man, be wrong! 

[richardvocal]

LOL Jambrains, in which case you should be really upset with me for the context in which I placed them. Sorry mate 

[benjo]

 hey yeah


 for me it felt uncomfortable to read so i thought maybe find a way of cutting a little
 
 don't get me wrong it painted a great picture
 if it's true then prob hard to change if not i would look at it
 maybe use another single name like    CD'D BY RUSH AND STING
 prob not the right choice but   ELVIS COSTELLO   felt to long when i read it 

 but hey its your lyric so its up to you what you do maybe i read it wrong
 just my opinion
 
 hope you know what i mean

          LOVED THE IMAGERY IT GAVE

    good write

[richardvocal]

Thanks Benjo. It fits the meter as I have it planned out and 'Co-ste-llo', bizarrely enough, I have rhymed with 'bar-be-cue' and it actually works

[hardtwistmusic]

Re-read this morning and really didn't see anything that didn't just reinforce my original taken on it. 

IMO, you need to be careful to ensure that the Lull, then forceful wakeup thing you have going with the lyrics doesn't disappear when you add music.  I think it's important to your lyric. 

Part about not being sure what you will find when you "rummage through a damaged mind" is central to the lyric, and probably should be either a chorus or a recurring bridge. 

I also would repeat that set of lines twice each time it recurs.  It really rams home the theme. 

Good luck with this.  I think it's exceptional. 

[richardvocal]

Thanks HTM, that's really appreciated and great feedback. I'll look at your suggestions re the 'you never know what you'll find' bit.

[benjo]

 HEY YOU GO FOR IT BUD

 I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING IT

     T