[Paulski]

Hi there
I've intentionally taken liberties with rhyme scheme/structure in this one. Tried to paint contrast and make a point without getting preachy - did it work? Any suggs for improvement are welcome.
thx
Paul


First World Problems
Copyright 2014 Tennyson Road Music

Meet Yohannes
Pawing through a garbage pail
For something he can sell
Ethiopian slum
Bag at his feet
Food that won't keep in this heat
Past this week
Better eat

~~~

Meet Janet
Flip side of the planet
Problems of her own
That make-up she bought
Not the right tone
Gonna take it back
Stores shouldn't oughta
Rip you off like that

First world problems
It's a shame she's got 'em
Those first world problems

Yohannes sleeps
Under the bridge, end of the street
One eye open - you never know
Who shows up with a knife

~~~

Janet stands
In the rain with the rest
Wallet in hand - store better open soon
Feet getting wet

First world problems
It's a shame she's got 'em
Those first world problems

First world problems
It's a pain to solve 'em
Those first world problems

Yohannes awakens
Maybe today, this bad luck changes
Shuts his eyes - just a few more minutes
Then it's back to the dump
Cardboard blanket

~~~

Janet showers
Puts on her powder, and face
Looks in the mirror
Just as she feared
Despite what she paid
Still not the right shade

First world problems
It's a shame we've got 'em
These first world problems

It's a pain to solve 'em
Yeah, such a pain to solve 'em
These first world problems

[Vintage54]

          Hello Paulski
             Yes, it worked. Don't want to meet Janet, but if i did, i would slap her cheek and tell her to get real. I would very much like to meet Jessie, and give her a kiss on the cheek. "Flip side of the planet" like that, but what's not to like, solid my friend.

                          Vintage54

[Nellie]

Great job once again! I enjoyed reading it, it flows really good and shows two different sides with their own daily struggles, I like the comparison between the two. It's very sad that there are so many people like Yohannes in the world struggling to survive. I like how you included the names into the song, makes it more interesting. The title is also good, it made me want to read it. Overall, it is a well done piece. You did make a point.

[benjo]

 HEY PAUL

 another good write from you here
 this does flow well and tells good tales

  there's nothing not to like about this
  good imagination and story telling

          good job bud

[hardtwistmusic]

This is conceptually brilliant, and the lyrics deliver on the concept's promise. 

If it were me, I'd take "Jesse" out of the equation. 

One of the ways we "let ourselves off the hook" for other people's problems is to have heroes we point to so we can deny that the problem is left unattended. 

I'm not actually suggesting that you remove Jesse.... (She makes the song marketable to First Worlders) but the song would be grittier without her.  And the number of first worlders who have actually met "Johannes" and/or his millions of brothers is actually statistically VERY low. 

All said, Paul, this is an incredible concept awaiting music. 

[Paulski]

Hi everyone - thanks for the feedback - all taken on board. I've gotten a lot of mixed reaction about the Jessie verse (similar to HTM's comment above) on another forum so I decided to rewrite those last verses and take Jessie out of the picture. I know it removes some "hope" as well, but maybe reinforces the contrast better IDK.

@Vintage54

Thanks for the kind words. Yeah Janet is a piece of work isn't she?

@Nellie

Cheers for the nice comments. Glad the contrast worked for you. Yeah a lot of the world is in sad shape unfortunately.

@banjo

Cheers Tony - great getting thumbs up from you.

@hardtwistmusic

Thanks Verlon. You're not alone in wanting Jessie removed - so I did that. Hope it still works with the new ending. Appreciate the honest feedback.

[hardtwistmusic]

Thanks Verlon. You're not alone in wanting Jessie removed - so I did that. Hope it still works with the new ending. Appreciate the honest feedback.

I read through it again.   With the change, it reads better to my ear now, and I think it will play better too.   

It's always better to hear something from multiple sources before reacting isn't it?  I think that (with critiques,) it's the PATTERNS that matter, not the individual opinions.