[tracyl]

Hello, I'm writing songs for this EP and I need feedback on the lyrics. The chorus is soft while the verses are raw. Please critique and disregard the numbers.

It ties us together like the web of a spider(5)
If treated well by us it's like a small red flower(3)
Grasp it like you do relationships(5)
Cause no one ever know where it really leads.(6)

I have met Judy,(2)
Blond girl, blue-eyed prodigy(2)
She was hot but still a virgin(2)
Everything she tried she won it(3)
But no one has tried her version(6)
Where she battles with depression(6)
And her father beats her at home(5)
Her mom won't live very long(5)
Only thing she can do is make her proud(6)
But how can she, when she carves her body with a blade(6)
She wants to die, contemplating suicide(
Picture her perfect curls(5)
Picture this perfect girl
Now mash it up with blood(6)
Sorry, but I can't let you do that,(7)
you got a heart of gold (6)
and I can't let you lose that,(7)
Tripping

We got those threads(9)
Hold in your hands(6)
Never let go, never, never let go(9)
Hang to your thread(9)
Wait till its runs out(
Keep that thread uncut.(9)
Hang on to your life(10)

My girlfriend's name was Elizabeth(2)
She kept to herself, hiding in secret(4)
Drugs were her problem, she loved the tablets(
You won't believe me but she was addicted(7)
Her smile was tired, her eyes were lifeless(7)
Everything she thought was worthless(6)
She said one day we would be wed(
But how many times, was she on the hospital bed(
Wishing she wasn't caught, wishing she was dead(9)
But as the story unfolds, she never really felt(5)
What love really meant she even forgot(4)
That happiness existed (5)
and I realized there's nothing to be said(2)
When we're all just hanging on a thread(7)

We got those threads(9)
Hold in your hands(6)
Never let go, never, never let go(9)
Hang to your thread(9)
Wait till it runs out(
Keep that thread uncut.(9)
Hang on to your life(10)

My grandma Sasha(2)
She examined the world(5)
Eighty three years, she wishes she had more(6)
But she was cut short, like a film's horror(5)
At the scene of murder cause of the gore and(3)
I really miss her, but she finished her thread (
She went through it, and smiled instead.(7)
She's wasn't stronger than you are,
Judy had better looks(5)
But these stuffs don't matter if you go by the books(5)
Leave the past behind, forget the things it took(6)
Find something new and discard the things it shook.(5)

We got those threads
Hold in your hands..
We got those threads
Hold in your hands..
We got those threads
Hold in your hands..
Keep that thread uncut.
Hang on to your life

[sephsleft06]

is it a bit long?

should you varies the rhymes right down at the end..?
Four masculine rhymes in a row: looks, tooks, shook, shook

Picture this perfect girl(5)
Picture her perfect curls(5)

Good technique...but isn't the first line a stronger statement?....So i'd put it like: Picture her perfect curls...Picture this perfect girl.......paralellism...

she loved the tablets - show it an emotive way, maybe...

It seems like a good story, the public can relate to...

it's rap/urban?  )

[tracyl]

Hello, thanks for helping out so quick. You are right it is pretty long but it's a message I wanted to pass without leaving any facets of suicide.
It is indeed a rap song but with a chorus like Monster-TimeFlies.

You are right about the picture~ part, it makes so much more sense thank you.
Regarding the last four masculine rhymes, I wanted it to feel like I'm going like full strength into another verse but the chorus comes in smoothly. I'm not sure how to explain it.

But thank you for the critique.

[sephsleft06]

I see...
hope it goes well for you

[RosilindSings]

When i read that second part. It feels maube as if you've written a rap. Correct me if im wrong. I think the lyrics sort of flpw. You definitely know how to write a story. You're very vivid and imagery wise i like it. Just a little more tweaking with how your words flow and word choice arrangement and i think it will come along just fine. All the nest of luck with it.

[hardtwistmusic]

For me, this is three songs, not one.  Too much information to communicate in one song. 

The "Judy" verse was powerful and disturbing.   Left me wanting to know more about Judy and how it all ends for her. 

The other two stories were less powerful and were (frankly) a distraction from my desire to hear more about Judy and the protagonist and their relationship. 

The "Judy" relationship is extremely unlikely to "end well" and I can see wanting to not "end" it.   But without "ending it" there is no closure to your song. 

As written, your lyric opens wounds, but then leaves each character still bleeding.  No endings.  It's my opinion that you need some closure for each story.   

[tracyl]

I see what you mean, I'l try to fix that.