[Jamie]

Hi, this is a song I've been working on, I like the various elements of the song, but I'm not sure how to take it to the next level of development. It's a basic demo track, recorded slightly hesitantly from a vocal/playing perspective, but I think you'll get the general idea. Any thoughts on arrangement, structure, instrumentation etc would be appreciated! Written, performed and recorded by Jamie Allan.

https://soundcloud.com/jamie1802/this-lonely-world

This Lonely World

You're wound up like a spring
Because you've said too much
Lets pretend we're in a game you play
Lets pretend we care

Their words are blurred like rain
And they are running out
Lets pretend we know what's going on
Lets pretend we care

Chorus
Turn around, run away
Think again, but not today
Switch the light, burn my eyes
Falling down, roll around

Wish away this lonely World

Need to get there
Need to get there soon
Lets run from here
Lets run away from here

Pressure cracks, feel the force
Fall down, you're cracking up
look around who cares what's happening
Lets pretend we care

Chorus

[GTB]

Hi Jamie, nice song with agreat feel to it and plenty of scope for listener to interpret as they see it. The vocal melody is particularly strong, especially the excellent chorus. At 3:40 you could afford to repeat the chorus again at the end, which gives the option of backing off the instruments on the penultimate chorus to make it more reflective, then building up again to close. Tbh it sound pretty good as it is though. alternatively, you could add more instruments in the closing chorus, maybe some high synth or strings to add texture.
Maybe you could overlay a countermelody over the last chorus, perhaps following the theme of your intro.
I think all you need is to create a little contrast in there and you'd lift it to the next level for sure. 😃

[Jamie]

Hi GTB, thanks for listening,some interesting comments! Let me digest them and think about what's next! Glad you mentioned the melody and chorus, I thought it had something.some good ideas to think on and to use. You didn't mention the instrumentation,so I guess that was a thumbs up? cheers!
Jamie

[GTB]

Yes, instrumentation sounded good to me, maybe just a bit less here and a bit more there to add some dynamics and contrast. Melody is so good I'll be re listening to think about how you did it 😀

[Jamie]

Cheers mate! Let me know what you think!
Jamie

[Neil C]

Jamie, Liking this.

Thoughts for consideration: Maybe structurally insert a chorus between 3 and 4 verses. And musically you could make the 'Wish away this lonely World' musically a bit 'tougher' but its sort of goes against the lyrics. And maybe finish the song with a fade of the guitar solo at the end rather than at the beginning?
Hope this helps
 
Neil   

[Jamie]

Hi Neil, I plan to change the intro as it's a bit too loose, so could do a guitar solo outro! The wish away lyric is meant to be somewhat contradictory and is a reflective thought about escaping from issues/ problems (without going into what it means to me). Not sure what you mean with your tougher comment. Do you mean heavier? I like that section as it has some harmonic subtlety imho .
Thanks for taking the time to comment, I plan to finish this song, so you'll get to hear it later!
Cheers
Jamie