[frankie1984]

I have penned a few lines to get me started I would like to know if A) this is a to long for a chorus? B) does it sound ok? c) should I expand the section and use this as a verse

I am attempting to write a song for a fellow Oncology boy who passed away in March to osteosarcoma, he was an amazing 14 year old a pretty funny guy. An example of his humour - he has his arm amputated and the nurse came and asked which arm he would like his blood pressure taken on, his reply 'the only one I have left'

Thank you for reading.

*********************************
I met him on a Monday down in transport Bay

I looked at him and he looked my way

he smiled, i smiled I washed my tears away

How could a child be acting this way

He said hes here to overcome his fears

As his mum washed away a few warm tears

He laughed, I cried I often wonder why

This wonderful life would suddenly die

[Vintage54]

     
       Hi frankie
            Good start, i would say these lines would work better as a verse, or split, two verses. You can always find a chorus later, if you think it needs one. Its a promising start as i said, looking forward to the rest of the song.

[Carbor]

Hello, Frankie

I agree with Vintage. This works better as a verse, perhaps the opening verse.
Might consider trimming back a word or two here and there.
I'm not familiar with the term 'transport bay'. I'm guessing the singer is talking about a hospital or having the child transported to a hospital or transported within some sort of medical facility. Not sure if I'm correct. Just curious. Looked up the words together and found nothing.
Off to a good start with your lyric. An emotional topic like this can certainly captivate an audience. A few suggestions below but a good beginning.  

Met him on a Monday down in transport Bay  (get rid of the first 'I')

I looked at him and he looked my way

he smiled, i smiled I washed my tears away  --- Smiled at me as I wiped my tears away

How could a child be acting this way----How could a child act this way? Feel this way?

He said hes here to overcome his fears

As his mum washed away a few warm tears---- You've used tears already, perhaps another word?

He laughed, I cried I often wonder why -- He laughed, I cried wondering why

This wonderful life would suddenly die --- Maybe -- This precious child has to die or precious life

Only Suggestions of course!

[frankie1984]

Thank you Carbor great feedback, Transport Bay is the name of a section of the Oncology unit where we stay appreciate the feed back

[diademgrove]

Hi Frankie,

I hear it as a chorus, a reminder to the listeners of your first meeting. In my head I hear the young man's history and his fight for life, each time coming back to your first meeting.

The only thing that jarred for me was calling a 14 year boy a child. I thought I was grown up at that age, at least in my head. I'd have preferred "How can a young man act this way". How old he actually is can be dealt with in the verses.

If my suggestions don't fit in with how you see the song developing please ignore them.

Keith