Hi.
Break my heart
I want to feel what you’re feeling
This is a fantastic start that sucks me right in. It's a very strong concept for a song.
But it feels like you're having some difficulty developing the idea. There are a lot of filler lines, like:
I want to know what you’re going through
which is a rephrase of line 2, and:
And I will try not to repeat myself
I really don’t know what else I can say
Also, the story becomes unclear to me. I had thought it was about a guy who has just dumped his partner, and wants to know what it feels like to be as devastated as she is. He's grasping for any emotion strong enough to make him feel. It's a cruel and disturbing concept, and I really like it.
But...
So break my heart
And we’ll make it through another day
...along with V3 made me question my interpretation. I don't see how if they each break each other's hearts, it will help their relationship... Well, maybe I can just about see some logic in that, but it pushes the cruelty too far for me. Instead of seeing a guy who finds it impossible feel, I see a guy who plays evil mind games with his partner: "Yes, I just devastated you - but if you're clever enough to rise to the challenge and devastate me, then I'll take you back. Give it your best shot!"
I think much of the issue is that your verses should probably be choruses. The repetition of "Break my heart" keeps pulling the lyrics back to the same area of meaning and makes it difficult to develop a story. I think it'll be a great chorus, though. And then you can develop the context with more pliable verses.
Hope that's useful,
Matt
