[sephsleft06]

Hi
Anyone looking to hook up to get a chorus for these two verses:
it's about a person 'moving on' after a faltered relationship....
some of the lines reference books....so I had a metaphorical idea of a Bookmark stuck on a page....i.e. not moving....this was for  for the chorus........I couldn't work it though......''I.e. I wanted someone to blame, filled with rage....I couldn't move on....like a bookmark stuck on a page.......''......

verse one

everyone's got a book in them
by what you meant to me
I could've wrote three
for three years we had it made
wearing smiles on our faces     
like fleeing jail breakers
damn, I didn't want it to fade

verse two

but life is not a book
it can be over in a flash
I'll clear the old photographs
they'll crumble in the waste bin   
and if hindsight is a great thing
why does it tend to sting
like an open wounds rubbed with gin

[Boydie]

How about something along the lines of:

In the story of my life
Through winter nights and summer days
I held you close but now you're gone
(It) feels like I'm stuck on the same page

[DasPiano]

Hey - very nice idea for a song.
Bit difficult to find lyrics not knowing the chords progression or feel of the music.
However, if I may, I first would like to correct some things:

everyone's got a book in them

should be
Everyone's got a book within them
or
Everyone's got their own book inside

fleeing jailbreakers

just sounds a bit odd... you may want to look that up or find a better expression... maybe something like jail breakers on the run...
+ I don't see the metaphorical connection between jail breaker and books... but maybe it's an insider for you, fair enough.

If you really don't want a rhyme with

smiling faces

then that's cool.
Otherwise, why not make a play on words with faces - face it
"I knew that it had faded, didn't wanna face it"

I could've wrote three

- I could've written...

like an open wound_ rubbed with gin

Another remark: I think you should be careful when using a metaphor as basis for a relationship. Though I like the idea, you should be careful not to go in and out of it. You also should pay attention to lines that just sound a bit too simple or corny - meaning, don't switch between clever metaphorical style and clichés UNLESS you do it on purpose in order to express a kind of contrast. But again: then you should be aware of it.

Code: [Select]

wearing smiles on our faces - Man, that just sounds like somethin I've hear a thousand times before - I think you can do better than that  

I really like the suggestion for a chorus by Boydie.

How about something like this:

Who can you blame when you know that you are the writer?
How can you choke rage when you're just a poet and not a fighter?
Lost for words. What's my line? I can't seem to turn the page!
In this heart of mine
there's a bookmark with your name

or:
in the story of my life
I'll keep a bookmark with your name

Of course, you might have to adjust meter and so to the music you have written or in mind.

[Paulski]

The challenge with the word "bookmark" is with all it's hard constanants - b - k - k it is very percussive to sing so would sound out of place in a slow ballad. And it is a difficult word to rhyme perfectly. So, after all these excuses my lame attempt:

I'm a bookmark on the page
Where your story turned to rage
But this chapter's in your past
And my purpose has elapsed

[sephsleft06]

Thanks, that gives me ideas....

although didn't One Direction, have a line like that ....''the story of my life''.....maybe i"m wrong?

How about something along the lines of:

In the story of my life
Through winter nights and summer days
I held you close but now you're gone
(It) feels like I'm stuck on the same page

[sephsleft06]

good point about the hard consonants, you can't really dwell or hang on them.....like an open vowel sound?

thanks

The challenge with the word "bookmark" is with all it's hard constanants - b - k - k it is very percussive to sing so would sound out of place in a slow ballad. And it is a difficult word to rhyme perfectly. So, after all these excuses my lame attempt:

I'm a bookmark on the page
Where your story turned to rage
But this chapter's in your past
And my purpose has elapsed

[sephsleft06]

great points
like Jailbreakers, I just picked it from the ether....it doesn't relate to books at all

wearing smiles on our faces - laziness on my part...


ta

Hey - very nice idea for a song.
Bit difficult to find lyrics not knowing the chords progression or feel of the music.
However, if I may, I first would like to correct some things:

everyone's got a book in them

should be
Everyone's got a book within them
or
Everyone's got their own book inside

fleeing jailbreakers

just sounds a bit odd... you may want to look that up or find a better expression... maybe something like jail breakers on the run...
+ I don't see the metaphorical connection between jail breaker and books... but maybe it's an insider for you, fair enough.

If you really don't want a rhyme with

smiling faces

then that's cool.
Otherwise, why not make a play on words with faces - face it
"I knew that it had faded, didn't wanna face it"

I could've wrote three

- I could've written...

like an open wound_ rubbed with gin

Another remark: I think you should be careful when using a metaphor as basis for a relationship. Though I like the idea, you should be careful not to go in and out of it. You also should pay attention to lines that just sound a bit too simple or corny - meaning, don't switch between clever metaphorical style and clichés UNLESS you do it on purpose in order to express a kind of contrast. But again: then you should be aware of it.

Code: [Select]

wearing smiles on our faces - Man, that just sounds like somethin I've hear a thousand times before - I think you can do better than that  

I really like the suggestion for a chorus by Boydie.

How about something like this:

Who can you blame when you know that you are the writer?
How can you choke rage when you're just a poet and not a fighter?
Lost for words. What's my line? I can't seem to turn the page!
In this heart of mine
there's a bookmark with your name

or:
in the story of my life
I'll keep a bookmark with your name

Of course, you might have to adjust meter and so to the music you have written or in mind.

[Boydie]

although didn't One Direction, have a line like that ....''the story of my life''.....maybe i"m wrong?

So did Bon Jovi and a gazillion others - it is certainly not a unique metaphor to refer to life as a "book" so I wouldn't worry too much

[sephsleft06]

yeah, got ya...thanks

although didn't One Direction, have a line like that ....''the story of my life''.....maybe i"m wrong?

So did Bon Jovi and a gazillion others - it is certainly not a unique metaphor to refer to life as a "book" so I wouldn't worry too much

[DasPiano]

Sorry but I don't see that problem withe word bookmark at all.
In my chorus suggestion it fits quite well I think... It doesn't have to be in "rhyme-position"