I really like the cosmic thread that weaves its way through this piece in parralell with the love story. Its almost like two songs woven into one, very clever indeed. Includes some impressive lines:
The whitecliffs catch the sun light
Before they turn to sand
Without the gift of silver
The moon is just a stone
No star in this universe
Can light up the sky all alone.
I like the two opening lines as well, however i found them too hard to access as they are written, and as they are the opening lines i feel they should be easier to grasp and to pull the listener in. IMHO, it may be more effective to write them in a positive sense, saying what they are rather than what they are not as implication is not as direct and doesnt lead as strongly. Perhaps...
Time makes its nightly round,
Black holes soak up the light,
When morning comes we wake alone,
A waste of one more night.
The only other suggestion would be to take out a lot of the filler words and get a more consistent meter going for the lyric. I think this is what Neil was alson aluding to. Its just little things but it will make a huge difference to the song when put to music.
Eg:
The white cliffs catch the sunlight =>. White cliffs catch the sunlight
Can light up the sky all alone => Can light the sky alone
Condensing lines like this not only makes the lyric more direct andd easier to follow but it saves ink too
This is a very nice lyric. I wish I had thought of ther idea myself. Great first post.
Allan.
Oops nearly forgot, the title should be moore relevant. Normally a title comes from the hook line in the chorus but in this lyric, I believe Neil has picked on the strongest stanza in the lyric and i wonder if that should be your chorus instead of the one you are using. There are a few top hooks in that stanza that could easily be your title then. Eg: The alchemists of old, trying to work the magic, Turn my days to gold.
If you chose to rearrange the lyric to make the best use of this stanza you could simple stick it in as a chorus after ther first two verses, leave it where it is for the second chorus after what would tjen become V3 and V4 and then repeat it one last time as your outro. Lyrically it fits the story so well and really is the summing up of the whole piece. A perfect chorus.
Just to say again, this is a really neat write. I love it and encourage you to make the very best of this.
