[dinnerwithgreedo]

Hi guys,
            here's a short song. Please review. (i've just listened to it myself and realised the sound is a bit weird on the vid... but stick with it)

Lyrics

Won't you tell me how you sleep at night?
Do you sleep facing the wall?
When scared do you grip your pillow in fright?
Do you dream of me at all?
Will i ever feel the touch of your lips?
Would it be too much if i stole a kiss?
Would you tell your friends what i did
if it was wrong?

[jodyWayne]

Hi guys,
            here's a short song. Please review. (i've just listened to it myself and realised the sound is a bit weird on the vid... but stick with it)

Lyrics

Won't you tell me how you sleep at night?
Do you sleep facing the wall?
When scared do you grip your pillow in fright?
Do you dream of me at all?
Will i ever feel the touch of your lips?
Would it be too much if i stole a kiss?
Would you tell your friends what i did
if it was wrong?

This is really good.  I'ts so original it almost yells it.  I like it.  Guitar work and singing was right on.

Well done
jody

[marianheawood]

I'm looking forward to hearing the next part of the song. Like it so far. Thankyou, Marian.

[dinnerwithgreedo]

I'm looking forward to hearing the next part of the song. Like it so far. Thankyou, Marian.

No no.... that's it. The whole song.

[marianheawood]

Oh, that's not fair! I just got interested and I'm wanting to know why you sing 'if it was wrong'. There must be more waiting to be written. Have you thought of going into a chorus beginning 'if it was wrong, then why did you etc.'  Marian.

[massa]

Nah...it begs for more. That's a verse, and a chorus.

It's incomplete.

It doesn't sound finished. It sounds like there's more to come.

Come one Greedo, more more. Me greedy. You Greedo.

You have such a nice voice. I enjoy listening to you.

[dinnerwithgreedo]

Blimey... guys... i don't know what to tell ya. That's the whole song.
Marion... the 'if it was wrong' bit is basically saying if i kiss you and it's not what you wanted (ie.. i shouldn't have) don't tell your friends. It's embarrassing enough.

[marianheawood]

oh, alright then

[massa]

That's not a whole song!

[Dutchbeat]

Dinner!
that is brilliant

but I agree with massa
it creates hunger

for more

[spacedogg]

Of course you could develop it further if you wanted to, but it sounds complete to me as it is, like one of those wee tunes on a beatles album (i'm probably thinking of Her Majesty at the end of Abbey Road). Great songwriting as usual from DWG. 

[spacedogg]

PS though dude sort that wallpaper out. Its a bit scary. Looks like a house i had a bad stoner in way back in the 80's.

[hofnerite]

Double that and you'd have a great song. It's far too short but it is good. I lke the simple chords but ranging melody. Good vocals too.

[dinnerwithgreedo]

Ha ha!!! I really didn't think song length would be brought into question. Thanks for all the reviews though guys. I might record a long version just for you guys (and to shut you up   )

[massa]

It's not the song length that is the problem Greedo.

It's the fact that lyrically the song feels incomplete...

And musically, it feels incomplete. I don't know if it's a cadence issue or what.

If you were going for a shorter song, with a complete sound, I think it would sound better if you had:

...Will i ever feel the touch of your lips?
Would it be too much if i stole a kiss?
Would you tell your friends what i did
if it was wrong? (imperfect cadence here)
Would you tell your friends what i did (change this lyric if you deem necessary)
if it was wrong? (perfect cadence here)

None of the oohs, and aaah's like you've got at the end. The 'wrong' should be your final note.