[Arkwright]

Well as part of my ongoing quest to write and record a song for my bucket list, here is my third offering as the previous two have failed to entice any collaborators thus far to help me acheive my goal. For those who haven't had the opportunity to read my previous attempts, they can be found here http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/lyric-reviews/demons-7455/ and here http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/lyric-reviews/the-greatest-lie-of-all/

Before I post in the 'collaborators' section, I would appreciate and comments and/or suggestions on the following lyrics.

I'm not entirely happy with the chorus so any help there would be much appreciated. It's important I retain the phrases "Hate to Love" and "Love to Hate" but other than that I'm open to suggestions.

Thanks in advance for looking....

VERSE
A tongue so sharp
You cut a smile
While all the while
There's hatred in your eyes
I'm seduced by the truth
You hide behind your lies.

Eyes cold as steel
Lips hot as hell
The tales they tell
Deceive with ease your prey
Convince with promises
You know you will betray

CHORUS
Played every card
Tried every trick
Poured out my heart
But you're just too slick
Release your grip
And let me be
I hate to love you
And you love to hate me

VERSE
The face of an angel
With looks that kill
You enjoy the thrill
Of poisoning my mind with fear
Do you feel my pain
Did you ever shed a tear

From blood red claws
My wounds run deep
I need to sleep
And rest my broken soul
What would it take to
Return the love you stole

CHORUS
Played every card
Tried every trick
Poured out my heart
But you're just too slick
Release your grip
And let me be
I hate to love you
And you love to hate me

MIDDLE 8
When you wrap your hand
Around my heart
It skips a beat
Before it's torn apart
Now you disregard
All I've done and said
This loves masquerade
Is well and truly dead

CHORUS
Played every card
Tried every trick
Poured out my heart
But you're just too slick
Release your grip
And let me be
I hate to love you
And you love to hate me

[Paulski]

Well you see our little plan here don't you? As long as we don't agree to record one of these, we force you to keep creating them - cause you've got the talent bud! But seriously, this is really well written - something I would expect from a songwriter that has refined his craft over many years. As far as suggs, the only lines that didn't work well for me are in the prechorus. I would recommend dumping it entirely. If you need that imagery of claws around your heart, I would build it into one of the verses.
Nice one!
Paul

[EpiphoneEpiphany]

hi

lots of nice images in this and I really liked the "I hate to love you, you love to hate me" play on words. like you said, you should definitely keep that

don't think the first two lines are bad, maybe you could replace "set me free" with "leave me be" if you feel "set me free" sounds a bit clichéd (but that's just the first thing that came to my mind, maybe you'll find something better)

the chorus seems a bit short to me, maybe you could take the first four lines of the middle 8 and add them to the chorus

hope that was helpful, feel free to ignore me if you disagree

EE

[Arkwright]

Thanks for the replies guys...

I've got lyrics in abundace Paul in case this one doesn't cut it lol

I've done a quick edit taking into account advice from both of you.

I've got rid of the pre chorus and added it to the middle 8 and taken the first four lines of the middle 8 and added it to the chorus.

What are your thoughts?

[benjo]

 YEAH YOU GOT IT

 this is a very good write
 i love reading lyrics like this
 this is full of feeling and and meaning
 
 every line had it's own right to be there

              LOVED IT      (  MY HAT IS TIPPED TO YOU  )

[EpiphoneEpiphany]

think it works well

what I actually meant was to add the first four lines of the middle 8 at the end of the chorus, after the love/hate lines, but it seems to work much better your way anyway

EE

[sephsleft06]

That's real good....

The only I didn't go for was ''looks that kill''....sort of a cliche....minor, minor gripe

[irwin]

Arkwright, Suggestions I have non, comments I don't have any for this lyric is so well written. The chorus reads so well I just love it. what more can I say, keep up the good work.

Irwin

[HarryPlater]

Fantastic song. Very, very well written and I'm a sucker for wordplay. The entire love/hate concept can be really played out but, the way you worded it was excellent.

[Arkwright]

Thanks for your comments guys, just need to get someone to set it to music now 

[S.T.C]

The title doesn't quite match with the theme of the song ..Hate To Love To Hate...is not corresponding with...

 I hate to love you,And you love to hate me..for me they mean two different things.

Secondly ,you have a useful imagination ,hence some of the phrasing,,,there's some obvious rhyming going on here...i would rewrite a few of the lines...but it all depends how it was performed...i think a group like passenger could pull it off?


....

[Arkwright]

The title doesn't quite match with the theme of the song ..Hate To Love To Hate...is not corresponding with...

 I hate to love you,And you love to hate me..for me they mean two different things.

Secondly ,you have a useful imagination ,hence some of the phrasing,,,there's some obvious rhyming going on here...i would rewrite a few of the lines...but it all depends how it was performed...i think a group like passenger could pull it off?

....

I've never been entirely happy with the title to be honest, but always felt I could worry about that later.

Would be interested in which lines you would rewrite and any suggestions you have to improve them.

Many thanks for your comments 

[JonnyD]

Well as part of my ongoing quest to write and record a song for my bucket list, here is my third offering as the previous two have failed to entice any collaborators thus far to help me acheive my goal. For those who haven't had the opportunity to read my previous attempts, they can be found here http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/lyric-reviews/demons-7455/ and here http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/lyric-reviews/the-greatest-lie-of-all/

Before I post in the 'collaborators' section, I would appreciate and comments and/or suggestions on the following lyrics.

I'm not entirely happy with the chorus so any help there would be much appreciated. It's important I retain the phrases "Hate to Love" and "Love to Hate" but other than that I'm open to suggestions.

Thanks in advance for looking....

VERSE
A tongue so sharp
You cut a smile
While all the while
There's hatred in your eyes
I'm seduced by the truth
You hide behind your lies.

Eyes cold as steel
Lips hot as hell
The tales they tell
Deceive with ease your prey
Convince with promises
You know you will betray

CHORUS
Played every card
Tried every trick
Poured out my heart
But you're just too slick
Release your grip
And let me be
I hate to love you
And you love to hate me

VERSE
The face of an angel
With looks that kill
You enjoy the thrill
Of poisoning my mind with fear
Do you feel my pain
Did you ever shed a tear

From blood red claws
My wounds run deep
I need to sleep
And rest my broken soul
What would it take to
Return the love you stole

CHORUS
Played every card
Tried every trick
Poured out my heart
But you're just too slick
Release your grip
And let me be
I hate to love you
And you love to hate me

MIDDLE 8
When you wrap your hand
Around my heart
It skips a beat
Before it's torn apart
Now you disregard
All I've done and said
This loves masquerade
Is well and truly dead

CHORUS
Played every card
Tried every trick
Poured out my heart
But you're just too slick
Release your grip
And let me be
I hate to love you
And you love to hate me

I like this - especially the rhyme scheme in the verses. Slightly unusual

The chorus I agree is slightly weaker - to me the trick/slick/grip rhyme overdoes it slightly. Perhaps using 'but you're just to fast' to half rhyme fast and heart?

As for the title, you could go for 'Hate To Love, Love To Hate' or some other shortened version of the last two lines in the chorus.

Hope this helps, feel free to ignore it completely.

Good write

[Demonslayer4]

Sound like it was written by a professional, very good stuff

I think that the chorus would benefit from some minor alterations so it would read:

Played every card
Tried every trick
Exposed my heart
But you're just too quick
Release your hold
And let me be
I hate to love you
But you love to hate me.

Just my opinion.

Other than that this is an incredibly strong song with great lyrics!

[Arkwright]

I like this - especially the rhyme scheme in the verses. Slightly unusual

The chorus I agree is slightly weaker - to me the trick/slick/grip rhyme overdoes it slightly. Perhaps using 'but you're just to fast' to half rhyme fast and heart?

As for the title, you could go for 'Hate To Love, Love To Hate' or some other shortened version of the last two lines in the chorus.

Hope this helps, feel free to ignore it completely.

Good write

Thanks for your comments...

The trick/slick/grip ryhme wasn't actually intentional and I hadn't noticed the near rhyme with 'grip'. Showing my inexperience here  Rather than change 'slick' I think I'll change 'grip' as suggested by Demonslayer as 'slick' better defines what I was trying to express.

I'll give some more thought to the title before I decide.