[Gwyneth Rose]

This is a narrative from a stripper's point of view 

Chorus
So you’re looking for some action
You’ve come to the right place baby
Because I’m the main attraction
Sit down and let me blow your mind
I’ll give you some satisfaction

V1
My nubile body moves to the music
In a slow and sensual way
Kick up a leg, flash you a glimpse
To show you what’s coming your way
Tease you to pull out your wallet
So you’ll throw some of that my way
V2
Nine inch stilettos on my feet
I own the stage, hairs long and free
I turn one eighty just for you
Your eyes never seem to leave me
Kick off my skirt, this what you came for?
Show me the money, you’ll see more

Chorus
V3
Then with a practiced slow flourish
I throw off my blue sequenced top
Baby do you like what you see?
Is it starting to make you hot?
Just give me some more of that dough
And I’ll show you all that I’ve got

V4
I dance slowly closer to you
Bend down, so you get a good view
I remove my bra to break free
My breasts perfect thirty four size C
Up again I dance doing my slow moves
Whip off my “G” …now pay to drool

Bridge
Baby, baby, let me take care of “those blues”
I’ve got a private lap dance in mind for you
For a bit more dough I’ll give you a show
Without inhibitions and I’ll totally let go
Come on to the back for a “ one on one”
To blow your mind and shoot your gun

[stavcoby]

 

[Bernd]

Good one.

Like!

Cheers,
Bernd

[Gwyneth Rose]

hehehehe

[Gwyneth Rose]

Good one.

Like!

Cheers,
Bernd

Hi B,

Thanks my friendy hehehehe glad you like.

[Arkwright]

It's an interesting topic and tells the story quite well.

Unfortunately your rhyming scheme starts to falter from verse 2 onwards.

If I've read it correctly, your scheme should be A,B,C,B,D,B

It might be intentional that you've abandoned the scheme after verse 1, but if that's the case then it doesn't quite work for me I'm afraid.

It's certainly descriptive in places, but needs a bit more work.

Hope that helps....

[benjo]

 HEY CHEEKY YOU

 i like,    it tells a good tale

            nice write

[Gwyneth Rose]

It's an interesting topic and tells the story quite well.

Unfortunately your rhyming scheme starts to falter from verse 2 onwards.

If I've read it correctly, your scheme should be A,B,C,B,D,B

It might be intentional that you've abandoned the scheme after verse 1, but if that's the case then it doesn't quite work for me I'm afraid.

It's certainly descriptive in places, but needs a bit more work.

Hope that helps....

Hi A,

Than ks for your comments. Unfortunately it doesn't help just saying that it doesn't work for you per se. What would help actually is if you offered some suggestions 

[Gwyneth Rose]

 HEY CHEEKY YOU

 i like,    it tells a good tale

            nice write

  Hello my friendy, Glad you like!

[Arkwright]

Hi Gwyneth....

I thought I had made a suggestion by implication.

My suggestion is you need to maybe follow the rhyming scheme you employed in verse 1 as a starting point.

[Dutchbeat]

i agree with Stavcoby: 

this will work very well in a pop song i think

[Gwyneth Rose]

i agree with Stavcoby: 

this will work very well in a pop song i think

  Thank you DB - Yes I think pop would be perfect for it.

A well known muso (the owner of another site) has picked it up and
wants to put music to it, with a couple of minor tweaks. I'm looking forward
to seeing what he comes up with. 

Cheers
G

[Dutchbeat]

ah, i guess i am too late then...


perhaps better luck for me next time

[Gallowglass]

I don't know what the meter's like, but the last 'satisfaction' line of the chorus sticks out a bit. It's not a problem, and you might already have figured out what you're doing with it, but I thought it deserved a mention. The lyrics themselves are solid, very flexible and catchy.

I'm not so positive on the use of the word 'nubile.' It works here - where it wouldn't in most songs - because together with the line after it it conjures up images of belly dancers, or a slow, teasing strip. But it is usually meant to mean someone very young - like, barely legal young - and that may not be the image you're going for. If it is, you're totally Taylor Momsen 

I like how, as the song goes on, the sexual business gets more and more in the listener's face. That's the way it should be - the narrative's building up to something, after all. Most songs that try to do sexy build up the tension then leave it hanging. I also kind of like the specific detail, as the imagery's much more powerful if the listener is actually imagining an exact scene, not just generalities and blurs. But it's a double-edged sword. Some things - specifically, cup size - might be too specific, to the point imagining them (as a listener's brain automatically does) requires effort, and steals their attention from the song.

Oh, and going back to that tension thing from earlier: don't, in my opinion, have the guy in the song actually relieve himself of sexual tension at the end of the song. The listener's living vicariously through him, so if he's free of the tension, so will they be. That's great for bringing the narrative to a conclusion, but a song that's tense when it ends is a song that doesn't let the listener go, and a song they're much more likely to remember and come back to.

[Gwyneth Rose]

ah, i guess i am too late then...


perhaps better luck for me next time

Hey Dutch,
It's never too late. It's always interesting to see different versions of the same song. For instance take "Black magic Woman" written by Peter Greene and one version performed by him did absolutely zilch, then Santana came along and picked up the same lyric and Wow, did they ever make a hit with it.
I wrote a lyric entitled "Hey Bully" that has been picked up by 3 different musos and each one is interesting, in fact a 4th producer is working on it now. So, if you lile, be my guest and take a stab at it my friendy. Just keep me in the loop. Would love you to