Find My Way (re-write)

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Alan Starkie

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« on: May 23, 2014, 05:33:56 PM »
I posted a version of this song a while back but was unsure about the way it was going.

I've started a complete rewrite and it's going in the direction I intended initially now.

As I said before - I'm writing this song for a young female singer.

Think 'Let It Go' and you're in the ball park of where I'm aiming it at.

https://soundcloud.com/alanstarkie/find-my-way

Unfinished lyrics (now):

Find my way

v1
Slow down if you want me to hear
What you're trying to say to me
Times change and I'm spreading my wings
But I don't wanna fly away

v2
We shine like the sun through the rain
A million drops into one
New lives in a world that's so old
But love remains when it's gone

v3
Mama said to me 'little bird'
You can fly when I'm gone
There's a rainbow that stays in your heart
Don't you worry 'bout the sun

climb
We start off little but grow so fast
Grow so fast, grow so fast
I'll make it work with the love I have
It's gonna last, it's gonna last
We start off little but grow so fast
Grow so fast, grow so fast
I'll make it work with the love I have
It's gonna last, it's gonna last

chorus
I'll find my way in a world that turns
Make the most of life
I'll find my way, gonna be that girl
See the world through brand new eyes
I'll find my way, gonna make it work


Looking for opinions on the chorus mainly but all welcome...

Ta.

onemanband

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« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2014, 08:21:41 PM »
Hi Alan,

  I listened to the song without reading the pre-ramble on the post and after hearing this line

Quote
I'll find my way, gonna be that girl

Thought that I had missed some subtext.

Overall I really enjoyed this and have to agree with the comment on your soundcloud page. This is definatley a song you can imgine listening to whilst driving.

The opening guitar riffs are really engaging - I defy anyone to not listen to the whole song after the hearing the intro.

I would be tempted to change the last line of the climb to

"It's gonna last, it's got to last!!"

just so it isn't a straight repeat, and for me it adds to the momentum for the chorus. It adds a little more emotion and desperation. Just colours the lyrics slightly.

I also found the fingers shifting position on the instrumental at the end quite distracting - thats fairly easily remedied.

As you can tell I'm scrapping the barrel to find thngs to complain about.

Top job Alan, look forward to hearing it sung by a female vocalist.

Alan Starkie

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« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2014, 09:56:19 AM »
Thanks onemanband.

I agree with the change needed in the climb repeat but I do to want the lyric to sound desperate as it's aimed at a young female vocal. A rewrite of the second part of the climb is probably in order.

I'm still working on a better hook for the chorus. It's not quite right.

S.T.C

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« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2014, 04:35:05 PM »
Right for me, what's not working is this; theres to much faffing about getting to the hook,which does not happen !  :-\ you don't reach your chorus until 1.55....to long!..it's a catchy enough tune..



v1
Slow down if you want me to hear
What you're trying to say to me
Times change and I'm spreading my wings
But I don't wanna fly away

v2
We shine like the sun through the rain( tempo picks up on the start of line 1 ..good)
A million drops into one
New lives in a world that's so old
But love remains when it's gone
(between v2 and v3,,which is pre/c or chorus territory..theres an instrumental session,which dampens it all down
v3
Mama said to me 'little bird'(this v3 for me is a sort of a pre chorus,pre chorus..its  a slave that serves no real purpose, it could be used after the first chorus?)
You can fly when I'm gone
There's a rainbow that stays in your heart
Don't you worry 'bout the sun

climb
We start off little but grow so fast
Grow so fast, grow so fast
I'll make it work with the love I have
It's gonna last, it's gonna last(you raise it here..and then drop it,,,the energies gone)

.....surplus to requirements..
We start off little but grow so fast
Grow so fast, grow so fast
I'll make it work with the love I have
It's gonna last, it's gonna last
.....................................................
Chorus( just doesn't happen! flat
I'll find my way in a world that turns
Make the most of life
I'll find my way, gonna be that girl
See the world through brand new eyes
I'll find my way, gonna make it work

Alternative chorus
I'll find my way in a turning world
Making  the most of my life,
gonna be that girl that  does it right
See the world, shine tonight
im looking at it all..with  brand new eyes
to make it work,,why not today
you know i'll stay if i find my way,
i'll find my way

Paulski

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« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2014, 06:16:29 PM »
Hi
I loved that guitar work (except for the squeaks) and the verses are excellent.
Oh, yeah and the vocals were great too even if the wrong gender!
I would say 1+ on getting to the title sooner.
Maybe you could cut the climb in half.
And about the chorus (since you asked) I found it a bit of a let-down compared to the rest.
If you get a stronger chorus and title this song is pure gold IMO.
Paul

Sing4me88

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« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2014, 08:07:07 PM »
Hi Alan, I echo what must of the guys have already said. Without trying to sound too negative at the minute this song is to me a 'nice' song rather than a 'commercial' hit song. Its a song I could imagine Taylor Swift singing but as an album song rather than a hit single. I think part of the 'album' rather than 'hit' feeling is to do with the length of the song. It takes much too long to hit the chorus and theres a lot of build up and scaling back rather than a steady and constant build up.

To be honest I too also felt the chorus was a damp squib especially after waiting that long for it. It sounded more like a bridge than a chorus IMHO. Your production and musicianship etc are second to none as always. I think it is the structure of the song rather than performance. I think the best option is a complete review of the song in order to declutter it and take out lyrical sections and instrumentals that unnecessarily delay reaching the chorus and then trying to add oomph and bite to the chorus.

There is something here for sure in this song the problem is it is very well hidden!