[Cameron F]

Right, well I wrote this the other day just playing my acoustic guitar in a bad mood, so yeah, would like some feedback and that.

Verse 1
Hello I'd like to know why did this begin,   
this feeling I can't stop its getting under my skin,
it makes me wanna crumble and fall straight to the floor,
this thing i know its killing me, I cant take no more

Pre Chorus
and I cant be the only one,
In this endless pool of sorrow

Chorus
and oh when will it end,
guess we soon will see,
I can no longer pretend,
I know its killing me

Verse 2
and I don’t even know who I am anymore,
no opportunities knock on my door,
but I’ll come out of this, soon you’ll all see,
im not pretending im just me being me

Cheers

[DevyE]

Hi CFCity

A good start but after two verses a pre-chorus and chorus I'm struggling to grasp what it's about, I'm guessing frustration?

A few thoughts :-

In the first line of the chorus you ask "when will it end" and in the second you say "we soon will see"...so you answered your question, these two lines add no value. Also you're repeating lines in the verses and chorus {killing me lines} which is something I believe should be avoided. 
The line 'In this endless pool of sorrow' doesn't appear to flow with the rest of the lyric {too many syllables?} but maybe it works with a melody you have in mind.

So I would say focus on what the song is about and guide the verses to the chorus which should drive home the message.

Playing acoustic guitar and being in a bad mood, that's not possible  anyway good luck with it.

[benjo]

 yeah I agree with above

 some good points made well
 and some good advice too

 just take a look at this again and go over it line for line
 so you make it say what you want it to
 try to paint a picture

 I think this could be very good


              tony...

[diademgrove]

Hi CFCity,

I thought the song was about depression, a brave subject to tackle. I thought the lyrics are very good, but a little short. Another verse or middle 8 either reinforcing the gloom, or offering a little hope works in my head.

diadem

[Hugozhor]

Hi CFCity

it's pretty good.

I think chorus just needs more emotion. Like ending with "when will it end" repeating or something.

The first and the second verse aren't the same melody?

[PeeJay]

Hi,

Really good portrayal of frustration. I thought that it could have been developed further through a verse or two more.

I'm thinking of a line that could work in the chorus or even as a title - 'When i become me'. As in when the real person inside him comes out minus all of life's hurdles.

Might entail a bit of reworking though to make it work. Feel free to ignore of course!

Nice one,

Phil.