[hardtwistmusic]

Something I had high hopes for, but for me, it just never jelled into a viable song.  If anyone has suggestions, I'm open to them.  

This version is after multiple revisions based on Peejay's suggestions.  Still working on that too.  

Dead Horse -  

My friends say I'm "whipping a dead horse"
Still in love with you they say.  
Clinging to hope that gets more absurd
with every passing day.  

Hangin on to expectations
Love can run like Seattle Slew.  
But love expired in the starting gate
Dead ended in a bucket of glue.

CHORUS:  

You can drag a dead horse to the riverside,
But you can't make it take a drink.
You can flog a dead horse til you're blue in the face.
and you can't even make it blink.
You can drag a dead horse to water
But you can't make it take a sip.
I've had a saddle on a corpse for far too long,
Time to let go of the whip.    

Denial and uncertainty,
I've got a dead horse pushing the cart.  
I thought I could love enough for two
But it takes more than just one heart.  

I need a cold hard dose of reality
Put my feet back on the ground.  
Take a long walk back to the old corral,
Get ready for the next Go-round.  

CHORUS:  

You can drag a dead horse to the riverside,
But you can't make it take a drink.
You can flog a dead horse til you're blue in the face.
and you can't even make it blink.
You can drag a dead horse to water
But you can't make it take a sip.
I've had a saddle on a corpse for far too long,
Time to let go of the whip.    

BRIDGE:  

I bet my life on a mount that was never gonna win, place or show.
My friends all knew and bet against us..... I'm the only one who didn't know.


CHORUS:  

You can drag a dead horse to the riverside,
But you can't make it take a drink.
You can flog a dead horse til you're blue in the face.
and you can't even make it blink.
You can drag a dead horse to water
But you can't make it take a sip.
I've had a saddle on a corpse for far too long,
Time to let go of the whip.    

[PeeJay]

Hi Verlon,

I had a go at a bit of a re-write.

If you like anything keep and if you don't like anything sweep!

Phil.


Dead Horse:

My friends say i'm 'whipping a dead horse'
Cause i'm still in love with you
Clinging to hope that gets more absurd
With every passing day it's true

Hanging on to expectations
Love can fly like Seattle Slew
But your love for me has run it's course
Lying lame in a puddle of glue

CHORUS:   

You can flog a dead horse til you're blue in the face
And you won't even make it blink
You can drag a dead horse to the riverside
But you can't make it take a sip

Well i've taken this horse for a long long ride
Now i'm letting go of the whip
Got to realise that this horse has died
And pull myself back from the brink

I don't think you ever loved me
That horse was beaten from the start
I thought I could love enough for two
Seems my mount didn't have the heart

Denying all reality
I've put the nag before the cart
Tugging the reins on a fading force
As my world was falling apart

[Sing4me88]

I think this a very good concept and that the bones of a very good song are in here. The verses are spot on but IMHO the chorus doesn't work. I like the repetitive hook but some of the lines feel very laboured and almost forced to get the rhyme- I'm thinking about the line ending in 'stink' in particular. I just don't get that line.

I think the chorus weakens the song especially in light of strong verses with lines like 'love can fly like Seattle Slew' and 'putting a dead house before the cart'. I think if you can get a new chorus that keeps the hook but is less forced you could have a keeper

[hardtwistmusic]

Hi Verlon,

I had a go at a bit of a re-write.

If you like anything keep and if you don't like anything sweep!

Phil.


Dead Horse:

Hi Phil:  Thanks for the great advice.  I've utilized several bits of it, and I'm still cutting and pasting to use more of it.   Let me know if it's improving if you don't mind.

[hardtwistmusic]

I think this a very good concept and that the bones of a very good song are in here. The verses are spot on but IMHO the chorus doesn't work. I like the repetitive hook but some of the lines feel very laboured and almost forced to get the rhyme- I'm thinking about the line ending in 'stink' in particular. I just don't get that line.

I think the chorus weakens the song especially in light of strong verses with lines like 'love can fly like Seattle Slew' and 'putting a dead house before the cart'. I think if you can get a new chorus that keeps the hook but is less forced you could have a keeper

If you get a chance, take a look and see if the changes I made to the chorus improved it at all.  Thanks in advance. 

[PeeJay]

Yeah i think it's improved now the way it is.

I was thinking that in the bridge you could say that your friends bet their houses on a failed relationship and have cashed in while you are holding a losing betting slip and have lost the lot. That would refer right back to the opening line and keep with the theme.

Phil.

[hardtwistmusic]

Yeah i think it's improved now the way it is.

I was thinking that in the bridge you could say that your friends bet their houses on a failed relationship and have cashed in while you are holding a losing betting slip and have lost the lot. That would refer right back to the opening line and keep with the theme.

Phil.

I modified the bridge to incorporate your suggestion.  Let me know what you think.  Thanks again.... and if you wish, you've contributed as much to this as I have.... I'd be happy to call it a collaboration.

[Sing4me88]

The chorus seems spot on ow after the amendments. It has a more natural feel to it rather than a forced feel. I like the change from drink to 'make it sip' and the ending of the chorus with 'time to let go of the whip'. They are more in line with the verses and are on a par with them in terms of lyrical strength

[PeeJay]

Hi Verlon,

I think i would change some of those 'bets' in the bridge as there are three of them.

Maybe something like:

'And if it was ever alive that nag was never a horse to back
I staked my life on a mount that could never win, place or show
Friends knew better and wagered against.....i'm the only one who didn't know'

Or similar!   

And no need for a co-write. Just offering advice.

Phil.

[diademgrove]

Hi Verlon,

I think the problem you may be having with the song is you have two strong concepts, a failed relationship and a great chorus. After reading your lyrics I longed for more information about the relationship. The chorus is so strong it demands more of an explanation as to why you failed to cut her loose a long time ago. For me it is difficult to see why the woman you loved for so long deserves such a chorus. For me she needs a lot more flesh on her bones to be worthy of the chorus.

An alternative would be to write three or four verses which are unconnected explaining why you've always backed the wrong horse, maybe school, job, unrequited love of your life and finally your wife, who just isn't right for you. This way the chorus reflects the "luck" you've experienced during your life. The chorus would sound stronger after each verse.

Just my thoughts feel free to ignore me if you disagree.

diadem

[hardtwistmusic]

Hi Verlon,

I think the problem you may be having with the song is you have two strong concepts, a failed relationship and a great chorus. After reading your lyrics I longed for more information about the relationship. The chorus is so strong it demands more of an explanation as to why you failed to cut her loose a long time ago. For me it is difficult to see why the woman you loved for so long deserves such a chorus. For me she needs a lot more flesh on her bones to be worthy of the chorus.

An alternative would be to write three or four verses which are unconnected explaining why you've always backed the wrong horse, maybe school, job, unrequited love of your life and finally your wife, who just isn't right for you. This way the chorus reflects the "luck" you've experienced during your life. The chorus would sound stronger after each verse.

Just my thoughts feel free to ignore me if you disagree.

diadem

I don't disagree.   You just pointed out what I couldn't "put my finger on".   This lyric doesn't go anywhere.  It just sort of sits there and spins in the same place.  The second verse doesn't add anything of substance to the song..... just re-iterates the first verse. 

That gives me a target to aim at.   After your help, and Peejay's help.... if I can't make a song out of this, I'd better take up another hobby.  Thank you a lot.

[Paulski]

I thought this had some really good lines - like

Love can run like Seattle Slew.

and

You can flog a dead horse til you're blue in the face.
and you can't even make it blink.

My other thoughts on this are a little clinical though. If you've read "Murphy's Laws" (some people think he's full of it  ), he notes that more recent songs don't repeat the theme/title as often as they used to. This is because they stay on the charts longer so they don't need that repetition to become familiar. In this lyric the word "horse" is repeated 17 times and "dead horse" 12 times. I think if it were repeated less often it would have more impact, even if you don't care whether the song sounds current or not. Of course its your song and you can repeat it 50 times if that's what works for you (and the music)!
Paul

[hardtwistmusic]

I thought this had some really good lines - like

Love can run like Seattle Slew.

and

You can flog a dead horse til you're blue in the face.
and you can't even make it blink.

My other thoughts on this are a little clinical though. If you've read "Murphy's Laws" (some people think he's full of it  ), he notes that more recent songs don't repeat the theme/title as often as they used to. This is because they stay on the charts longer so they don't need that repetition to become familiar. In this lyric the word "horse" is repeated 17 times and "dead horse" 12 times. I think if it were repeated less often it would have more impact, even if you don't care whether the song sounds current or not. Of course its your song and you can repeat it 50 times if that's what works for you (and the music)!
Paul

I cut it down to eight "horses".   See if that looks better to you if you get time.  Thanks.... I went and listened to a couple of clips of Mr. Murphy. 

[benjo]

 I agree with paulski

 but also something else keeps niggling me
 and I think its the fact that the horse is dead
 it is a familiar saying about flogging a dead horse

 but with this it doesn't sit right for me by saying
 you can lead a dead horse to the riverside
 but you can't make it drink,

 leading a horse to water but not being able to make it drink
 makes so much sense in so many ways
 but with this I think what is killing this is that you're saying
 you can lead a dead horse to water

 I think you need to get rid of the dead horse part
 you can flog it, that makes sense

 but anything else like it blinking or drinking or even getting to the riverside
 because its dead doesn't work for me

 I hope you understand what I mean
 this is not having a go at the lyric its just what does the damage for me
 and why it doesn't feel right
 but I do think you should keep working on it you have something

          tony...

[hardtwistmusic]

 I agree with paulski

 but also something else keeps niggling me
 and I think its the fact that the horse is dead
 it is a familiar saying about flogging a dead horse

 but with this it doesn't sit right for me by saying
 you can lead a dead horse to the riverside
 but you can't make it drink,

 leading a horse to water but not being able to make it drink
 makes so much sense in so many ways
 but with this I think what is killing this is that you're saying
 you can lead a dead horse to water

 I think you need to get rid of the dead horse part
 you can flog it, that makes sense

 but anything else like it blinking or drinking or even getting to the riverside
 because its dead doesn't work for me

 I hope you understand what I mean
 this is not having a go at the lyric its just what does the damage for me
 and why it doesn't feel right
 but I do think you should keep working on it you have something

          tony...

I worried that the "dead horse" part was to macabre.   I never considered that the "drag a dead horse" part would be too fine a distinction. 

I have this mental picture from when I was about six years old.  My dad used to log with horses, and one of the older horses had died in the barnyard. 

He hooked a rope around it's neck and dragged it behind the tractor about a mile down the lane toward the pond to get the dead body out of proximity to the house.  We were REAL rural, and had bears, coyotes, and cougars to dispose of the body. 

Most people (of course) have no mental picture of "dragging a dead horse." 

I suspect that your nit is part of what was subconsciously and constantly nagging at me telling me this isn't going to be a real viable lyric from the beginning. 

Best part for me was Peejay and Paul's suggestions,  and incorporating their perspective into it.  Even if it doesn't turn out (and I agree with you that it won't) it was a lot of fun.