[Sing4me88]

I really like this one-its dark but quite tongue in cheek at the same time. For some reason when reading this I couldn't get 'You're so vain'by Carly Simon out of my head- I dunno why but seemed to me this would suit a similar vibe.

I think the lyric is really well written and has stopped it from becoming blatantly sinister.As it is the lyric has a perfect blend of tongue in cheek and insinuation. Loving the lines about going for the accident prone and not liking the verdict of death by natural causes.

Such a good write that I'd love to hear this one developed. Part of me is intrigued to see how you move it forward from being a lyric to a song as this one is versatile and can go in almost any direction genre wise!

[Gwyneth Rose]

Hi V
Thanks so much for the kind offer. Really appreciate it, but I'm really sold on Jame's "Your worst mistake" melody and vocals. It's absolutely perfect for this lyric. My mind is made up 

[Gwyneth Rose]

Hi Gwyneth
Nice job on this!
I really liked the twist at the end - I thought maybe "He'll like his tombstone" or similar might work too.. I would stick with a female singer as that builds on the well known expression "Black Widow"
Good write!
Paul

Hi P
Thanks so much for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed. Yes, I need a real vampy, strong ,female vocalist for this lyric.
Cheers
G

[Gwyneth Rose]

[/quote]

Hi Gwyneth,

I like the mystery of the riddle, did she, didn't she? I feel the last line shows that she did kill them. Silence leaves the riddle unsolved. Altogether a better way to end the song for me. I realise that what I like isn't too everybody's taste so feel free to ignore my suggestion if you like what you've written.

As to the chorus, I like the first version, it comes across as more direct.

diadem


[/quote]

LOL Hi D

This really is no riddle at all!!! Everyone knows she's gonna do it hehehe. I like the way you think and also love to love something to the imagination at the end, but in this case it's really obvious :-) Thanks my friend again :-)

[Gwyneth Rose]

I've said before that the only way I can review a lyric is to try putting it to music. I tried a sort of swing-ballad type thing with this one. I've no idea where you're going with this and I don't usually read other people's comments before throwing my own in but, on the rare occasions that I write with a lyricist I tend to want a lot of changes and that does not always go down well hence the 'lone wolf' approach to songwriting. Rather than waffle on let me show you what happened to your lyric when it hit my guitar!

So, it ended up like this;


They say I’m a black widow
With a venomous kiss
Spin a dangerous web
That no man can resist
But it’s just talk my baby
And I’ll promise you this
You’ll be mine


I’m dressed to kill
Just arrived in town
I Know I look sexy
as I prowl around
I’m on the lookout
For a man who's rich
to put in the ground


I didn't go any further 'cos I figure you've already slapped my face! I liked the 'heaven' line even though I cut it. I was thinking it could be used later. Verse one now sounds more like a middle eight to me and the chorus is more a verse but hey! it's so easy to mess up someone else's work! Actually, when I listened to it played back I didn't like what I'd done ... https://soundcloud.com/geoffjamesevans/black-widow/s-FAnYl  (that a private not public recording)

I realise I have been very rude with your work but I rather hope you like it. Either way it was fun for me too!

Oh! this was supposed to be a review wasn't it? ... Yeah I like what you've done. Good basis for a musician to work with. A nice cheeky bit of dark humour

Hi S T
LOL - Rude? If this is rude, than be as rude as you please LOL. This is lovely really!! And if I was going for a ballad type delivery than this would be it for sure.  What I want for this lyric is something like this

  (James first choice) hehe, I think it's very suited to my lyric, vampy, sexy, fast and loud. But thanks so much for this and I can see you had some fun with it hehehe. Thanks also for the great review. Really appreciate the time and effort you took with it.

Cheers
G

[benjo]

 hey nice

 really nice tale in here and I to like the did she didn't she feel it gives
 I think any genre would be ok but maybe dark metal  with female singer
 in a black wedding dress / funeral dress one dress for both ha ha getting carried away now

 good writing keep it up

[Paulski]

Hi Gwyneth
Nice job on this!
I really liked the twist at the end - I thought maybe "He'll like his tombstone" or similar might work too.. I would stick with a female singer as that builds on the well known expression "Black Widow"
Good write!
Paul

Hi P
Thanks so much for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed. Yes, I need a real vampy, strong ,female vocalist for this lyric.
Cheers
G

Oops - silly me - I read Genre as Gender haha. Yeah - go bluesy country rock with some vocal attitude sprinkled in should work. Good luck with this!
Paul

[Gwyneth Rose]

I really like this one-its dark but quite tongue in cheek at the same time. For some reason when reading this I couldn't get 'You're so vain'by Carly Simon out of my head- I dunno why but seemed to me this would suit a similar vibe.

I think the lyric is really well written and has stopped it from becoming blatantly sinister.As it is the lyric has a perfect blend of tongue in cheek and insinuation. Loving the lines about going for the accident prone and not liking the verdict of death by natural causes.

Such a good write that I'd love to hear this one developed. Part of me is intrigued to see how you move it forward from being a lyric to a song as this one is versatile and can go in almost any direction genre wise!

Hi Sing4me
Thanks so much for the great review , happy that you enjoyed it LOL yes..... it's really "on the edge" hehehe, Well I have 2 musos in mind that I think might like a stab at it. The one is in Scotland who is really excellent and the other guy is in Greece. So I've sent it to both asking if they'd like to take it on. Just hope only one wants it otherwise I might be in trouble LOL. Definately will put it up on the completed songs section when done.

Cheers
G

[Gwyneth Rose]

Hi Gwyneth
Nice job on this!
I really liked the twist at the end - I thought maybe "He'll like his tombstone" or similar might work too.. I would stick with a female singer as that builds on the well known expression "Black Widow"
Good write!
Paul

Hi P
Thanks so much for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed. Yes, I need a real vampy, strong ,female vocalist for this lyric.
Cheers
G

Oops - silly me - I read Genre as Gender haha. Yeah - go bluesy country rock with some vocal attitude sprinkled in should work. Good luck with this!
Paul

Hey Paul,
Thanks for the sugg. I think that would be pretty cool 
Someone else suggested that she should be dressed in a Black Wedding/Funeral dress when singing this hehehehehe - pretty cool suggestion

[Gwyneth Rose]

Ooooooo Just realised these 2 lines did'nt read too well together ;and have fixed it up.

He can be big and strong
And not very healthy

to
He can be big and strong
Or not very healthy

[diademgrove]

Ooooooo Just realised these 2 lines did'nt read too well together ;and have fixed it up.

He can be big and strong
And not very healthy

to
He can be big and strong
Or not very healthy

Hi Gwyneth,

they made sense to me. Told me, no matter how big or strong he is, he's not very healthy when he meets the Black Widow.

As to your post about things being obvious. Yes the punch line may be obvious, doesn't mean you have to deliver it though.

On something totally different. I think I'm a bass line away from the Sorceress. Maybe I'll have something to put up next weekend.

diadem

[hardtwistmusic]

FWIW.... it does, in fact sing easier the way Shinythang re-did it. 

I "review" lyrics by singing them.  This flows very well the way "shinythang" has done it. 

That's a positive side effect of setting it to music, even if you don't end up liking how the music sounds.

Of course, it also restricts the next person who tries to set it to music.  Some of the best stuff I've ever done resisted "flowing" when I sang it and held out until I had found a very dramatic and unique pattern to sing it to. 

Songwriting can be a bit of a crap shoot.

[Gwyneth Rose]

Ooooooo Just realised these 2 lines did'nt read too well together ;and have fixed it up.

He can be big and strong
And not very healthy

to
He can be big and strong
Or not very healthy

Hi Gwyneth,

they made sense to me. Told me, no matter how big or strong he is, he's not very healthy when he meets the Black Widow.

As to your post about things being obvious. Yes the punch line may be obvious, doesn't mean you have to deliver it though.

On something totally different. I think I'm a bass line away from the Sorceress. Maybe I'll have something to put up next weekend.

diadem

Good lol
Thats true enough D
Yaaaaay!!! Thats brilliant news :-)

[Gwyneth Rose]

FWIW.... it does, in fact sing easier the way Shinythang re-did it. 

I "review" lyrics by singing them.  This flows very well the way "shinythang" has done it. 

That's a positive side effect of setting it to music, even if you don't end up liking how the music sounds.

Of course, it also restricts the next person who tries to set it to music.  Some of the best stuff I've ever done resisted "flowing" when I sang it and held out until I had found a very dramatic and unique pattern to sing it to. 

Songwriting can be a bit of a crap shoot.

It's always interesting to hear different versions (melody wise) of the same song.
Got great news today about "Widow". A very talented muso has picked it up; and is playing with the intro today; said "Hmm light spin on dark with a twist"... the music for the widow should be like this too"...and has promised to send it to me tomorrow. So it should be interesting
Can't wait 

[Hugozhor]

Hi Gwyneth,

this is really beautiful lyric. I love it and had fun reading this! 

I like this verse

It seems that I go
For the accident prone
Planted four husbands
In the cold ground