[Gwyneth Rose]

  Had fun composing this. What genre do you think? I'd appreciate any suggs and help in improving this lyric. Thanks in advance 


Chorus
They say I’m a black widow
With a venomous kiss
Spin a dangerous web
That no man can resist
But it’s only gossip baby
And I’ll promise you this
You’ll feel heaven baby
Just surrender to my kiss

V1
I’m dressed to kill
Just arrived in town
I’m single and sexy
I’m prowling around
I’m on the lookout
Hunting for a man
He’s got to be rich
You understand?

V2
Looks don’t matter
Could be young or old
I’m not real fussy
If the truth be told
He can be big and strong
And not very healthy
All I need to know is
Is the man wealthy?

Chorus

V3
It seems that I go
For the accident prone
Planted four husbands
In the cold ground
The law suspected foul play
They didn’t like the sound
Died from unknown causes
But no evidence was found

V4
They call me the Black Widow
They’d like to put me away
There are whispers in town
But it’s only hearsay….
Tonight I’m dressed to kill
Sitting at my table alone
Looking for my next lover
He’ll get a nice tombstone

Chorus out

[EpiphoneEpiphany]

hey

I can imagine you had fun writing this

I think it's well written, not any obvious and overused rhymes etc.

the only line that struck me and I didn't really like was the last of verse 4 "he'll get a nice tombstone" I'd change it to "and another tombstone" that would hint at previous tombstones and you'd also have the assonance of "another" with "lover" from the line before

all the best

EE

[Nellie]

Hiiii! I think you're very talented!! I loved reading this and think it would be a fun, catchy song. Also liked the rhyme, very good and entertaining! Well done!

[Gallowglass]

For genre recommendation, Pretty Reckless. That ought to be a genre. Someone get Taylor Momsen in here  Could also see a Fit for Rivals tint, though. I think they're currently in my sig, too.

As for the song, it's really well put-together, structurally. No loose ends, no dodgy rhymes, no rhymes put in there just for the sake of them, it gets both story and character across well. Not much more you could ask of it on that front. The description and tone is pretty care-free but certainly doesn't feel lacking at all. In fact it adds a lot, being done in such a style.

One relatively minor thing, the sudden change from 'oh it's only gossip' talking to her partner to 'yep I kill people' talking to the listener. Not sure how you could get around that, but you don't really need to as it works just fine as it is. People will only really notice that if they inspect the lyrics like we are

[diademgrove]

Hi Gwyneth,

my only suggestion would be to remove the last line of the fourth verse and have it replaced by silence followed by a louder chorus. Maybe alter the words slightly to You know I'm the Black Widow, etc.

Feel free to ignore if you disagree.

diadem

[Peppermint]

Another nice write Gwyneth Rose 
Some nice lines in there and you haven't overly used rhymes either.

Well done 
Peppermint

[Gwyneth Rose]

hey

I can imagine you had fun writing this

I think it's well written, not any obvious and overused rhymes etc.

the only line that struck me and I didn't really like was the last of verse 4 "he'll get a nice tombstone" I'd change it to "and another tombstone" that would hint at previous tombstones and you'd also have the assonance of "another" with "lover" from the line before

all the best

EE

Hi EE
Thanks so much for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed it LOL Thanks for the suggs will consider that.

Cheers
G

[Gwyneth Rose]

Hiiii! I think you're very talented!! I loved reading this and think it would be a fun, catchy song. Also liked the rhyme, very good and entertaining! Well done!

Hi N
  Thanks so much for the rave. I really enjoyed composing it hehehe
Cheers
G

[Gwyneth Rose]

For genre recommendation, Pretty Reckless. That ought to be a genre. Someone get Taylor Momsen in here  Could also see a Fit for Rivals tint, though. I think they're currently in my sig, too.

As for the song, it's really well put-together, structurally. No loose ends, no dodgy rhymes, no rhymes put in there just for the sake of them, it gets both story and character across well. Not much more you could ask of it on that front. The description and tone is pretty care-free but certainly doesn't feel lacking at all. In fact it adds a lot, being done in such a style.

One relatively minor thing, the sudden change from 'oh it's only gossip' talking to her partner to 'yep I kill people' talking to the listener. Not sure how you could get around that, but you don't really need to as it works just fine as it is. People will only really notice that if they inspect the lyrics like we are

Hi James,
Thanks for the fantastic review  I really can see how  "Your Worst Mistake - Fit for Rivals" would resonate with you for this song. I totally agree, would be a great fit ... the style and the direction 
Yes... The "sudden change"  hopefully the audience won't notice hehehe

[Gwyneth Rose]

Hi Gwyneth,

my only suggestion would be to remove the last line of the fourth verse and have it replaced by silence followed by a louder chorus. Maybe alter the words slightly to You know I'm the Black Widow, etc.

Feel free to ignore if you disagree.

diadem

Hi D,

Thanks for the suggs, I like it, but don't you think that last line is the best? The twist that makes people smile 
I'll definately consider it though - thanks again.

Cheers
G

[Gwyneth Rose]

Another nice write Gwyneth Rose 
Some nice lines in there and you haven't overly used rhymes either.

Well done 
Peppermint

Hi P,

Thanks so much for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed .

I was wondering about a slight change in the chorus:-

Ch
They say I’m a black widow
With a venomous kiss
That I spin a dangerous web
That no man resists
But it’s only gossip baby
And I’ll promise you this
If you want to feel heaven baby
Than just surrender.... to my kiss

(Was just singing this chorus compared to my inital one and I don't know, it sings bewtter to me. What do you think?

Cheers
G

[hardtwistmusic]

Send me a p.m. with an e-mail address and I'll e-mail you a song I just finished called "Trust Me" that begins,  "Come into my parlor said the spider to the fly." 

Very similar in subject and tone.  Just thought you might be interested. 

Also, if you're interested, I'll send you a link to a song by Stephanie Andreaus called "Cannibals and Lovers" that I wrote the lyrics to. 

They don't actually relate to your song.... but both are interestingly similar.

[Paulski]

Hi Gwyneth
Nice job on this!
I really liked the twist at the end - I thought maybe "He'll like his tombstone" or similar might work too.. I would stick with a female singer as that builds on the well known expression "Black Widow"
Good write!
Paul

[diademgrove]

Hi Gwyneth,

my only suggestion would be to remove the last line of the fourth verse and have it replaced by silence followed by a louder chorus. Maybe alter the words slightly to You know I'm the Black Widow, etc.

Feel free to ignore if you disagree.

diadem

Hi D,

Thanks for the suggs, I like it, but don't you think that last line is the best? The twist that makes people smile 
I'll definately consider it though - thanks again.

Cheers
G

Hi Gwyneth,

I like the mystery of the riddle, did she, didn't she? I feel the last line shows that she did kill them. Silence leaves the riddle unsolved. Altogether a better way to end the song for me. I realise that what I like isn't too everybody's taste so feel free to ignore my suggestion if you like what you've written.

As to the chorus, I like the first version, it comes across as more direct.

diadem

[ShinyThang]

I've said before that the only way I can review a lyric is to try putting it to music. I tried a sort of swing-ballad type thing with this one. I've no idea where you're going with this and I don't usually read other people's comments before throwing my own in but, on the rare occasions that I write with a lyricist I tend to want a lot of changes and that does not always go down well hence the 'lone wolf' approach to songwriting. Rather than waffle on let me show you what happened to your lyric when it hit my guitar!

So, it ended up like this;


They say I’m a black widow
With a venomous kiss
Spin a dangerous web
That no man can resist
But it’s just talk my baby
And I’ll promise you this
You’ll be mine


I’m dressed to kill
Just arrived in town
I Know I look sexy
as I prowl around
I’m on the lookout
For a man who's rich
to put in the ground


I didn't go any further 'cos I figure you've already slapped my face! I liked the 'heaven' line even though I cut it. I was thinking it could be used later. Verse one now sounds more like a middle eight to me and the chorus is more a verse but hey! it's so easy to mess up someone else's work! Actually, when I listened to it played back I didn't like what I'd done ... https://soundcloud.com/geoffjamesevans/black-widow/s-FAnYl  (that a private not public recording)

I realise I have been very rude with your work but I rather hope you like it. Either way it was fun for me too!

Oh! this was supposed to be a review wasn't it? ... Yeah I like what you've done. Good basis for a musician to work with. A nice cheeky bit of dark humour