[irwin]

Do I have to make any changes in this lyric?  

I am adding a link of voice only to demonstrate the way I have it as to how the melody sounds in my head.Please have a listen here:

I Wanna Get Close To you
©2014 Irwin Abrigo
-
V1
I know you love to Laugh
You have a beautiful smile
Looking into your eyes
Leaves a picture in my mind
-
(Chorus)
I wanna get close to you
I wanna get close to you
I'll do what you want me too
If I can get close to you
I wanna get close to you
I wanna get close to you
Baby tell me what to do
So I can get close to you
-
V2
I don't to know your number
I would like to know your name
I Wanna get closer
Wantin knowing we're the same
-
(Chorus)
I wanna get close to you
I wanna get close to you
I'll do what you want me too
Just to get close to you
I wanna get close to you
I wanna get close to you
Baby tell me what to do
So I can get close to you
-
(Bridge)
many times our eyes meet
When walking out on the streets
Hoping you would pass today
So I can say what I wanna say
-
(Change)
If you're thinking what I'm thinking
If you are single I am single
You wanna walk you wanna talk
Wanna fall in love I wanna fall in love
-
(Chorus)

[Gallowglass]

I almost made it through a day without saying some lyrics were generic 

I think it helps in this case, though. I mean, the song doesn't need to be anything more than what it is, and what it is is a universal expression of a universal experience. It covers all the bases of that quite nicely.

I'd recommend changing the last line of the second verse to 'wanting you to feel the same' or 'wanting to know you feel the same' as the current one strikes me as a little awkward. I should also point out that 'if you're single I am single' changes the whole meaning of the song. That might be what you planned, I don't know, but it throws something very sleazy into the mix and if you want this to remain a straightforward declaration of love you should change it to 'if you're single we can mingle' or something (obviously that example's bad, but you get the gist  )

[hardtwistmusic]

Do I have to make any changes in this lyric?  



I Wanna Get Close To you
©2014 Irwin Abrigo
-

I am adding a link of voice only to demonstrate the way I have it as to how the melody sounds in my head.Please have a listen here: https://www.youtube....h?v=V1fPx53P014

Your link failed to work.  I prefer to wait until I can hear before I make comments on the lyric. 

Love the simplicity of it.... beyond that, I'll wait til I've heard your musical idea.

[irwin]

 Hardtwistmusic, My link failed to work.....I am very sorry about that I edited the link it is working now.    Please have a listen when you have the time:

Thank you

Irwin

[Jess]

I can't listen to the link right now, and even if I could, I prefer looking and commenting on the lyrics.
I think the chorus is really strong- well for a generic 'pop' song, however the verses seemed quite weak. They didn't really tell a story, or have any amazing imagery, they were just a collection of simple filler lines. I don't know it didn't make me go 'wow'.

[Bernd]

"I'll do what you want me too" - is there an "o" too much? "Too" doesn't seem to make much sense here - not to me, that is.

"Wantin(g) knowing we're the same" - that line stuck out to me, too. Maybe something like "I yearn to hear you feel the same"?

"If you are single I am single" - same here (I do that a lot, smuggle in some shady allusions - it's okay if it's intended, I guess - I write mostly for hard rock music)

What should have come first comes last at last:
the lyrics are quite okay! Lyrics come blended with music, they need not be read and marvelled at like they were poetry. If they go together well with the music they are meant for your job as a lyricist is done - done well, actually ;-)

Cheers,
Bernd

[Paulski]

I liked the simplicity of this, and the "stick to the message" approach, but I'm with Jess - what is the story? why should I care? You can still keep it simple but maybe add some details in the verses. (I wouldn't touch the chorus) Having said all that, if you can get really good music behind this, maybe nothing needs to change!
Cheers
Paul

[benjo]

 I must say I do agree with paul

 there doesn't seem to be a lot to think about in the verses
 no story that leads anywhere,
 even the chorus seems like each line is there just to rhyme with the one before it

 having said that I always believe that when someone clicks with it
 and comes up with music for it,  that's when everyone will get it
 how you mean it for me I would look at trying to put a story to it or a theme / topic

[irwin]

Hi Gallowglass,your input means so much. I am looking into the line 'if you're single I am single' I have made a change in that line to 'you're feeling what I'm feeling'

You recommend changing the last line of the second verse to 'wanting you to feel the same' or 'wanting to know you feel the same' This reads good to me but I am still considering If I will or will not make that change.

Thanks very much for reading and commenting on my song lyric.

Irwin

[EattheChildren]

In my opinion, the chorus is too long compared to the verses. You should elongate the verses and add more story to them. Reasons why you like this person, etc. This seems a bit like it would be more of a pop song, so the chorus should be fine. Anyway, you just need to lengthen the verses amd it'll be good to go.

[irwin]

Jess, I do see your point. Thanks for the comment.I hope that my next song lyric would 'wow' you.Thank you very much for the reply.

Irwin

[irwin]

"I'll do what you want me too" - is there an "o" too much? "Too" doesn't seem to make much sense here - not to me, that is.

"Wantin(g) knowing we're the same" - that line stuck out to me, too. Maybe something like "I yearn to hear you feel the same"?

"If you are single I am single" - same here (I do that a lot, smuggle in some shady allusions - it's okay if it's intended, I guess - I write mostly for hard rock music)

What should have come first comes last at last:
the lyrics are quite okay! Lyrics come blended with music, they need not be read and marvelled at like they were poetry. If they go together well with the music they are meant for your job as a lyricist is done - done well, actually ;-)


Bernd, Thank you very much for your input on my song lyric. 'If you're single I am single' I have made a change in that line to 'you're feeling what I'm feeling'

And yes! "I'll do what you want me too"
should be "I'll do what you want me to". I am looking into the other comment you've made too.

thanks for the reply.

Irwin

[irwin]

I liked the simplicity of this, and the "stick to the message" approach, but I'm with Jess - what is the story? why should I care? You can still keep it simple but maybe add some details in the verses. (I wouldn't touch the chorus) Having said all that, if you can get really good music behind this, maybe nothing needs to change!
Cheers
Paul

Paul, Thank  you for your input. I will try to get good music to this lyric.

[irwin]

 I must say I do agree with paul

 there doesn't seem to be a lot to think about in the verses
 no story that leads anywhere,
 even the chorus seems like each line is there just to rhyme with the one before it

 having said that I always believe that when someone clicks with it
 and comes up with music for it,  that's when everyone will get it
 how you mean it for me I would look at trying to put a story to it or a theme / topic

thanks for reading and commenting on my song lyric. I appreciate it a lot.

[irwin]

In my opinion, the chorus is too long compared to the verses. You should elongate the verses and add more story to them. Reasons why you like this person, etc. This seems a bit like it would be more of a pop song, so the chorus should be fine. Anyway, you just need to lengthen the verses amd it'll be good to go.

Your opinion is very much appreciated. Thanks for the reply.