[BooBoo]

I wrote this song this afternoon quite quickly as well which I'm hoping means that I'm getting back into songwriting, Yey! Anyway this is only the first draft and there are still some lines that I'm not completely happy with but overall I am pretty happy with this. Ooh and I've also started writing some music for this which is a new thing for me. Pretty simple chords at the moment but better than nothing. As always please tell me what you think.

Acoustic Guitar

Verse
Who's that guy with the acoustic guitar,
Singing the same old songs in the same old bar,
I order my diet coke once again,
Knowing that tonight I'll be seeing him,

Pre chorus 1
Every night he tells us about the songs he wrote,
Every night there is always one love note

Chorus
Who's the lucky girl in the audience,
The one you admire from a far,
Who you talk about every night,
Before you pick up your acoustic guitar
You never go into detail,
Just admire her from a far,
The second love of your life,
You joke, she's before the acoustic guitar

Verse
You can hear all your love for her in your voice,
Singing about her is your pride and joy,
You never say her name so your dream/heart won't come true,
But you always say 'I don't expect any "I love yous"'

Pre chorus 2
Every night you pour your heart out to strangers,
Every night you hope that you get braver,

Chorus
Who's the lucky girl in the audience,
The one you admire from a far,
Who you talk about every night,
Before you pick up your acoustic guitar
You never go into detail,
Just admire her from a far,
The second love of your life,
You joke, she's before the acoustic guitar

Bridge/ verse
Some nights I think is the girl me,
Then I think how could it possibly be,
I sit back and enjoy what you do,
Hoping your girl ends up with you

Chorus
Who's the lucky girl in the audience,
The one you admire from a far,
Who you talk about every night,
Before you pick up your acoustic guitar
You never go into detail,
Just admire her from a far,
The second love of your life,
You joke, she's before the acoustic guitar

 

[Cameron F]

I love it, but to me it looks like getting a melody for it will be a struggle. Couple of those lines have quite a bit in them.

[hardtwistmusic]

Real, real, real good.  Your lyrics have taken a big step forward lately.  You're telling more detailed and more clear stories than ever. 

Last two have been really high level lyrics.

One suggestion.... go through and take a REALLY hard look at all the pronouns, and make sure you're saying exactly what you want to say.   "I" for instance is more personal than "you" or even "we." 

"You" can be used in place of "he" or vice versa.  Make sure you are consistent throughout.... (which I think you are) but make sure your pronouns aren't depersonalizing this a bit. 

I think that your choice of pronouns IS depersonalizing this at least a little. 

When I talk about MY pain.... I'm an expert, and worth listening to.  When I talk about the pain of him/her/it/them/us/they/you, I'm having to either take someone else's word for it, or make assumptions about his/her/their state of mind. 

You have more credibility (in a conversation or a song) talking about how YOU (using the pronoun "I") feel than you could possibly have talking about someone else's feelings. 

Won't hurt my feelings if you don't choose to do this.... but I think it might improve the song.

[Sing4me88]

I'm liking this one- great concept for a song. You have managed to draw out the the hook and keep it fresh throughout- no mean feat. I guess I like this because it is simple and doesn't go in for hyperbole or highly spun Shakespearean lyrics. They chorus is really good- bounces along nicely as a read with the flow. I'm imagining this would be a Taylor Swift type number- well that's how I'm 'hearing' it as I read!

The bridge is a nice wee double twist- I thought it was gonna be you but then you subvert again by saying you are happy to just sit back and listen to his music and hope he gets the girl in the end. A really nice message contained in this!

[Jess]

The title really drew me in first. Then I really liked how the first verse used real referencing to create this believable, relatable image.
In the Pre C I think maybe 'sings the songs he wrote' or wait is that really bad grammar? Sings a song he wrote? I don't know but I would find a verb more visual than 'tells'.
I think the audience could be debulked a bit, but I know what it's like when you've got a melody you end up putting all the filler words (all the ands, abouts, etc.) back in again I think it's really great that your composing now too, you HAVE to let me hear some of your stuff!
I love the last lines of the chorus, your language fits our generation so well, you really incorporate the dialect of your audience and I think that's a great skill.
I like the bridge, I mean I got a little confused (but then I am sat in GCSE sociology so it could be that confusing me) but I really liked the twist- well I think it was a twist?
Anyway fab piece as usual

[S.T.C]

I agree with what's been said..i like the clearly laid out structure.....and a good little story,,easy to envisage .

[BooBoo]

Thank you for all the comments so far!
CFCity - thank you
HTM - thank you for the advice, I'll keep that in mind.
Sing4me88 - hmmm lets pretend I hadn't just listened to Taylor Swift before I started writing this thank you though.
Jess - well the PC  is something that I keep think of changing so I'll keep them in mind. And yes it was a twist, even when I was writing it it was always going to be "me" at the end but then I thought that was too predictable.
STC - thank you

[Paulski]

Really liked this BooBoo - sounds very top 40 (if there is such a thing anymore)
One minor question:

The second love of your life,
You joke, she's before the acoustic guitar

Wouldn't she be after the accoustic if she was his second love?
Maybe I'm reading it wrong.

Nice work - can't wait to hear it!
Paul

[Gallowglass]

I don't think I've read much of your work before, and reading through this I'm beginning to regret that. I'm too tired to do a proper review now, but this is favourited so one's definitely on the way in the morning.

[Jess]

Jess -  And yes it was a twist, even when I was writing it it was always going to be "me" at the end but then I thought that was too predictable.

Yes yes reading it away from sociology, I see it now

[benjo]

 WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW,

 booboo you really struck onto something here
 this is not only a very clever write but so original
 some say its hard to write a good story around
 a singer / musician and the instrument they play / love

 but you have captured just that
 this painted such a clear picture in my head
 I really hope you get the music put to this
 I can't wait to hear it, pls let me know if you do
 so I can take a listen really best of luck with this one
 you deserve it,     QUALITY WRITING,  10 FROM LEN / well tony

[PeeJay]

Hi BooBoo,

I liked this one.

Paints a good picture and you can see it being played out in your mind. There's a bit of intrigue too as in who's the object of his desire.

Sensible girl sticking to Diet Coke!

Phil.

[JonnyD]

I liked this - especially the first two lines of the first verse, they really hook you in with that rhyming couplet.

Love the way it's told from two point of views - though I have to echo the point people have made about being consistent with pronouns... Lyrically though this was a lovely read

[BooBoo]

Again thanks for the reviews!

Paulski - yeah I realised that after writing it but then I was stuck to what I could change it to but it's something I'm thinking of changing.

Gallowglass - thank you, I'm glad you like it.

Benjo - thanks Len, errr I mean Tony I'm gal you like it and it pains a picture in your head!

Peejay - thank you! The weird thing is I for even like diet it regular coke 😝

RockingSnowman - I was reading through again today and I know what you mean about the pronouns so I'll be changing that slightly I think. Thank you!

[EattheChildren]

I like these. I think I'll need to hear them coupled with some music to get the full idea, but all the same, I think they're great. I do have just one question. Why are you ordering a Diet Coke in a bar? Like, who goes to a bar for Diet Coke? Haha no, a good set of lyrics here, keep up the good work