konalavadome

'Without You' - WIP

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Alan Starkie

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« on: March 15, 2014, 11:05:31 AM »
This idea is running riot in my head at the moment.

I like songs like this. They write themselves.

I started this song and offered it as a co-write to a female singer/songwriter who made a very brief appearance on this forum. She didn't take me up on the offer so it's a solo write now.

Lyrics are sketchy but here is what I'm working with currently :

https://soundcloud.com/alanstarkie/without-you-worktape2-master/s-q29EO

'Without You' (working title)

There's a garden where the flowers used to bloom
Where I take my early morning walks and soon
I'll be sitting in the middle of the glow
But there won't be a golden prize for me to show

Cos I'm nothing without you
I'm a yesterday man that's no longer new
Oh I'm nothing without you
So lay me on the ground beneath your shoes

There's no evil in a world without a god
And living aimlessly may seem a little odd
But you're the prison that I never want to leave
If I don't have you I don't have anything to believe

Cos I'm nothing without you
I'm a yesterday man that's no longer new
Oh I'm nothing without you
So lay me on the ground beneath your shoes

BRIDGE (no lyrics yet)

SOLO

CHORUS


hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2014, 02:39:03 PM »
My favorite song from you is the train song. 

This one is clearly still evolving, but it's got the potential to replace that one as my favorite. 

I'll listen several more times and try to pin down some specific things that sound to me like they could improve.  It will have to be later this weekend. 
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stickboymusic

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« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2014, 04:07:35 PM »
Great sounds - great vocal - awesome song

For some reason I am finding the chorus a little weak lyrically

I think its the shoes thing

How about


Cos I'm nothing without you
I'm a yesterday man that's no longer new
Oh I'm nothing without you
So lay me on the ground beneath THE BLUE

stickboymusic

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« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2014, 04:18:06 PM »
Also

This

ut you're the prison that I never want to leave
If I don't have you I don't have anything to believe

It feels like you wanted to say

If I don't have you I don't have anything to believe IN

But it doesnt fit or rhyme

how about

If I don't have you I don't have ANY NEED to believe

Alan Starkie

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« Reply #4 on: March 17, 2014, 08:44:12 PM »
My favorite song from you is the train song. 

This one is clearly still evolving, but it's got the potential to replace that one as my favorite. 

I'll listen several more times and try to pin down some specific things that sound to me like they could improve.  It will have to be later this weekend. 

Thanks HTM,

I play 'Little Train' for my kids at home! It's a lot of fun to play and sing :-)

Cheers.

Great sounds - great vocal - awesome song

For some reason I am finding the chorus a little weak lyrically

I think its the shoes thing

How about


Cos I'm nothing without you
I'm a yesterday man that's no longer new
Oh I'm nothing without you
So lay me on the ground beneath THE BLUE

Nice ideas there. Cheers!

The lyric is very early yet so plenty of time to evolve but I may take you up on the BLUE idea.

kicked

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« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2014, 07:12:24 PM »
I thought the track was excellent...
  If that lead guitar was just a little more fuzzy, you could sell it to the"Chilli peppers" he he
       Regards
             Roo

   There are a couple of other things I could add....but its not my track and its only my opinion!

Neil C

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« Reply #6 on: March 19, 2014, 08:42:46 PM »
Alan, interesting and effective chord progressions, a tad beatlesque on the chorus with the downward sequence. Nice solo's too.
Pop with a slight psychedelic/melodic edge. A grower in the good sense.
 :)
Neil
   
songwriter of no repute..

Sunfighter

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« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2014, 04:23:57 PM »
Hi, I havent posted on here for a long time, so here goes.  Nice guitar work, especially the rhythm guitars.

I agree with the above comments.  I like this a lot.  If I was being picky I'd suggest trying to lift the last 30-40 secs in some way.  The final chorus/solo is quite long 1min 20ish?  Key change with 30/40 seconds to go? If that isnt too cliche?

But I really enjoyed it, I hope you're proud of this song and arrangement.


benjo

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« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2014, 06:54:16 PM »

 hi alan,

 lovin where this is going
 couple of things came to me as I listened
 I may be out of order here so pls don't be offended
 everything seems different to everyone else
 anyway here goes while I was reading and listening
 some of the lines in the first verse stuck a little
 and I couldn't sing a long to well so I wrote what felt better to me
 it just seemed simple sorry if you don't like but good luck with this


     

      There's a garden where the flowers used to bloom
      Where I take morning walks and read the news
      I'll be sitting on a bench beside the pond
      where all the memories of you come to me strong

 
                don't be offended just my thought on it alan

    good luck mate

              tony...


     

Jamie

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« Reply #9 on: March 24, 2014, 09:32:55 AM »
Hi Alan, really nice chord sequences, a little reminiscent of Lennon/Beatles , maybe dear prudence ish. Like the guitar playing. The lyric isn't as strong as the rest of the song though. I'm not, as you know, an expert on lyric writing but it wasn't as seamless as the melody, harmony and playing. I would work on the lyric, the rest is great.
Cheers
Jamie

Alan Starkie

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« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2014, 08:44:31 AM »
I thought the track was excellent...
  If that lead guitar was just a little more fuzzy, you could sell it to the"Chilli peppers" he he
       Regards
             Roo

   There are a couple of other things I could add....but its not my track and its only my opinion!


Thanks Roo.

Chilli peppers would be a nice move lol

Alan, interesting and effective chord progressions, a tad beatlesque on the chorus with the downward sequence. Nice solo's too.
Pop with a slight psychedelic/melodic edge. A grower in the good sense.
 :)
Neil
   

Now I know how Tears for fears felt when they did 'Sowing the seeds of love' lol

Thanks Neil.

Hi, I havent posted on here for a long time, so here goes.  Nice guitar work, especially the rhythm guitars.

I agree with the above comments.  I like this a lot.  If I was being picky I'd suggest trying to lift the last 30-40 secs in some way.  The final chorus/solo is quite long 1min 20ish?  Key change with 30/40 seconds to go? If that isnt too cliche?

But I really enjoyed it, I hope you're proud of this song and arrangement.



Cheers Sunfighter.

It's not arranged yet so I'll be doing some of the stuff you mentioned eventually.


 hi alan,

 lovin where this is going
 couple of things came to me as I listened
 I may be out of order here so pls don't be offended
 everything seems different to everyone else
 anyway here goes while I was reading and listening
 some of the lines in the first verse stuck a little
 and I couldn't sing a long to well so I wrote what felt better to me
 it just seemed simple sorry if you don't like but good luck with this


     

      There's a garden where the flowers used to bloom
      Where I take morning walks and read the news
      I'll be sitting on a bench beside the pond
      where all the memories of you come to me strong

 
                don't be offended just my thought on it alan

    good luck mate

              tony...


     

Never offended Tony :-)

I can see your take on the lyric but when I read your verse I get a picture of an OAP sitting feeding the ducks!?

ha ha!.... It's a good 'un but not the image I'm trying to get for this track.

Cheers mate.

Hi Alan, really nice chord sequences, a little reminiscent of Lennon/Beatles , maybe dear prudence ish. Like the guitar playing. The lyric isn't as strong as the rest of the song though. I'm not, as you know, an expert on lyric writing but it wasn't as seamless as the melody, harmony and playing. I would work on the lyric, the rest is great.
Cheers
Jamie

Thanks Jamie.

The lyric's not finished yet so plenty to go on here.

Cheers.