[A.Page94]

Hi guys,
I'm enjoying listening to your stuff - it's great! I thought I'd post another of my originals on here for some feedback. This one is called "Sweet Amelie" and it's a long one (apologies if you don't like long tunes). I wrote this at the end of 2013 and it tells a kind of love story. I had good fun recording this song and used my mandolin for the first time in my recordings. I hope you enjoy. Peace.

https://soundcloud.com/torn-pages/sweet-amelie

Lyrics -
I awoke in the morning to a crisp Harvard dawn,
and I pulled on my slippers and through my shirt on,
As I shuffled out my room I saw a letter on the floor,
It was addressed to me in crimson from one I loved before,
A girl by the name of sweet Amelie.

It was Paris in June in the year of our Lord,
Nineteen-hundred and fifty I owned a mustang Ford,
I saw her in the Louvre her hair was so dark,
Her skin twas so pale it set off a spark,
In an instant I fell in love with sweet Amelie.

She was a beau painter an artist of kinds,
she worked on a masterpiece one to blow all minds,
and we fell in love through artisan affection,
but far more than this we had formed a connection,
It was the onset of my love for sweet Amelie.

We shared an apartment on the rue de la paix,
we'd make love in the morning then lay on our backs,
our days were like poetry full of cafes and rhyme,
we'd have whiskey and wine to get through the night time,
oh the days they were golden with sweet Amelie.

We would drive to the country through the fields of green,
and I held her in the meadows for she was my queen,
and I'd lay on the grass with her by my side,
I did wonder if one day she'd be my bride,
Yes I thought it was in stone, sweet Amelie.

But with all fine things they seldom do last,
when I gave her a ring she turned it down fast,
she packed up her bags "well do you love me" I asked,
"there was something" she said "but nothing that fast",
and she went out my door did sweet Amelie.

I couldn't understand it I felt suicidal,
I cried for an age for she was my idol,
in the dark woods I roamed in a cold eerie storm,
it felt like it was speaking to my heart in some form,
and it howled for sweet Amelie.

As the time it did pass my heart did not warm,
yet my mind did now think in the singular form,
I starved myself blind just to keep the hunger back,
but it felt like self pity and my should it did crack,
because of a girl called sweet Amelie.

I swept out of Paris so early one morn,
no intentions of return instead to be reborn,
I headed to Harvard and I studied my books,
wrote poetry and essays on Gwendolyn Brooks,
but in the back of my head lay sweet Amelie.

My life it had changed for the better I hope,
but for how it did happen well I just had to cope,
though I may fool you and say I've forgotten her name,
I'd be lying so clearly for my feelings were the same,
I just couldn't drop sweet Amelie.

So when that letter did arrive well my heart it did choke,
it gave me crazy feelings and a sudden urge to smoke,
I opened that letter and what did I see,
but that ring I gave her now she gave to me,
it was all over now oh sweet Amelie.

Since after that day I have heard no more,
I don't know where she is or the road to her door,
she maybe in Casablanca, Lisbon or L.A.
But I dream I might find her on some sunny day,
you're in my heart always sweet Amelie.

[dnafe]

First of all I think the intro and harmonica could be shortened significantly.

Second and more importantly I think you need to find a singer that can actually sing... the vocals are so pitchy it's impossible to figure out what the melody is.

Third...bring up the drums about 50% and turn down the harmonica about 30% except at the end where the volume is just about right...

Fourth - the song is way too long. The outro could be cut by 2/3rds.  

Lastly You might try modulating the key of the song to keep the listener's interest...that or some editing of the lyrics might be in order to shorten the song

Sorry for the crappy review but in this case I felt honesty was the best policy

[Jamie]

For a song to be nearly 10 mins long there has to be a number of very clear harmonic and melodic themes with instrumental interludes and excellent playing. This song doesn't have enough to sustain the length of the song. The harmonica intro is way too long and repetitive. The lyric is based on a well worn theme, which is fine, but it's very quickly established what the ideas are but then they are repeated over and over. It isn't very nice to make comments about singing ability as it is one of the toughest skills, but you cannot sing. You may have the bones of a good song here but you need to find someone to express it for you. When I first listened to this I decided not to review it, but I'm not doing you any favours by not saying what I think.
Sorry, but I can't say it any other way.
Cheers
Jamie

[S.T.C]

Hmm.. the overly long intro creates a feeling of anxiety  cos you keep expecting a vocal ,and it doesn't come..so thats the first point, and as been mentioned

The second is the lyrics in places are difficult to sing.......and thirdly ,again it`s been touched upon is the quality of the singing,,it`s pretty hard to enjoy,,,there`s a sort of an Oom Pah Pah melody  going on and your voice rises and falls with it,
So cut it down to 4/5 mins.get a new vocalist ,tighten it up..and it might be a sweet song.

[A.Page94]

I certainly will change the song around. I agree it's flawed and I've come to see that and already have some new ideas for it but I will not get a new singer. I wrote it, no matter how crap my voice is I'm going to sing it. Maybe that's a particularly bad track or maybe my voice is just crap but I don't really give a damn. I'm singing my own stuff even if I'm booed off every stage I go on.

[bylanduck]

A.Page,

I can see you're going for a folk vibe with this one, and at 10 minutes you're entering Desolation Row territory, which is good company to be in. So I applaud you for going there! That being said, there are a number of issues with this song, and I think with a good deal of work, you could have yourself a nice tune.

The very first issue is the melody. A good song is good first and foremost because the melody is irresistible. Irresistible in the arc of the of the melody (the peaks and valleys of the notes) and irresistible in the phrasing. Your melodic arc has a lot of movement, and it pretty much just follows the chords in a very consonant way. I hate to say it, but it's fairly predictable in that aspect. As far as the phrasing goes, it's the same thing every time. By that I mean the emphasis notes are in the exact same spot every single time. Good melody writers make it seem like their melodies live and breathe. It's almost like a conversation, like someone's talking at you, with space and varying emphasis points, with surprising peaks and valleys, with character.

Your phrasing emphasizes almost every quarter note when you sing... Let's take Bob Dylan for example. In Subterranean Homesick Blues, he's got a lot of language and sings almost the same note the whole time (the minor third over a major chord.. that's some serious balls he has), but it never gets old. Because his emphasis points in his phrasing are always changing, always hitting different spots. It sounds like he's talking to you, it's great.

Your melody peaks and valleys (valleys as a verb..) in the same way every time, and doesn't really build any tension/release doing that. It's all consonant. And your phrasing is on the quarter notes the whole time. It's predictable and becomes uninteresting after a couple verses.

Not only that, it resolves at a weird point, at least to my ear. It's 4 full bars of language and then the title card "sweet Amelie".. It's just a weird point to do it. Whether that's because the melody doesn't really build, or because it's happening in a weird spot, I can't tell you.

This is what I would suggest:

Figure out what the melody is on an instrument. Whether it's guitar, mandolin, harmonica, piano, etc. Use those to figure out EXACTLY what your melody notes are. And listen to it, see if it has any tension/release, or if it needs some working out.

Now, onto the issue of singing. I'm afraid to say it, but you're not singing in tune. You're sharp in certain spots, flat in other spots, and on the whole just not very controlled. I don't think you need to find another singer, you should sing your songs if you want to, but if you want people to listen to what you have to say, you have got to practice that melody so that you can hit the right notes every single time.

Now singing isn't easy. Some people are born with an innate ability to hear and hit the right notes, others not so much. I was born with the ability to hear the notes, but hitting them has been the battle for me. And I'm getting better every day at it, because I'm practicing to reference instruments, like a guitar, piano, etc. I strongly suggest you do the same, and I guarantee you will hear and feel a difference with sustained practice.

As far as the lyrics go... Did you actually date a girl name Amelie? I dated a Korean girl who grew up in Germany by the name of Amelie, and she pronounced her name with a rounder a, like in "father". Maybe the girl you know pronounces her name more like Emily, but this is supposed to be a story about love in France, and so I'd imagine any French girl would pronounce their name like my Amelie, with the rounder, darker "a". I won't presume though, just thought I'd mention that.

I like how you're placing yourself in the shoes of someone from the past, but the information you're giving us about him doesn't really seem relevant at parts, and makes your character seem kind of one dimensional. Harvard guy with a Ford Mustang in Paris in 1950... Or it's a 1950 Ford Mustange? Either way, he's got a very healthy bankbook I see. Not a lot of people can relate to that, unless you're trying emphasize how empty you feel inside despite all the things you have, but that's not what I think this is about. If you really did attend an Ivy League school, then I have no problem with this. But if you didn't, it's gonna be hard to believe you really are in the mind of this rich guy living in Paris.

Your lines get really clunky at parts, you're trying to fit too many syllables into few too many notes, and it comes across as awkward and clunky. Remember, you're singing this - you don't need symmetrical rhymes, like a Shakespeare play or something. Lines like "artisan affection" are just clunky as hell. Does anybody say "artisan affection" when they're having a natural conversation?

"My mind did now think in the singular form", I get what you're saying, but singular form is too clinical, too university lecture or textbook. Even professors go through heartbreak, and when they do they would say "there's no long us but just me".

"Whiskey and wine to get through the night time"? You guys are in love, and you have to "get through" the night time? When people are in love, time seems to disappear, but the phrase "get through" implies there is some struggle going on. "Whiskey and wine to enjoy the night time", easy fix right there.

Overall, these lyrics have some interesting stuff, and it's a story so kudos to you for writing one. But if you want make these really good, take an idiomatic pen, plain speech pen to everything. That doesn't mean be plain in your ideas, but it means be plain in the choice of words. Think like you're having a conversation at a diner with a random person, 4 am, telling them about this story. Would you use "singular form" or "I starved myself blind to keep the hunger back" to tell the story? Or would you be more real about it? I'd try to be more real and honest to yourself with how you tell this story.

If you haven't already, give a listen and read the lyrics to "Tangled Up In Blue" by Bob Dylan. His song is exactly about this same thing, and he does it perfectly. I would suggest you start your vocals where he starts his vocals as well, cut the harmonica intro. There's no singable melody in it and it goes on for way too long.

Tangled Up In Blue has so many good lines in it, it's an embarrassment of riches. His song might be a great one to learn and sing and practice, and then take inspiration from.

Good luck,

Bret

[dnafe]

I was trying to think of a popular song of similar length and genre and the only one I could come up with was Gordon Lightfoot's The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

There is an perfect example of what you should be providing the listener and even then, Gordon pushes the limits.

If you are intent on singing your own songs I would suggest finding a good vocal teacher to help you with the fundamentals of singing. Remember you don't need to be an amazing singer to write and perform. You just need to be good enough to keep the listener from hitting stop, changing channels or walking out.

The truly hard part is mastering the craft of song writing and you've certainly come to the right place to learn from other talented writers

[TheButcher]

i can only agree with the people here in this thread

you wrote:

Maybe that's a particularly bad track or maybe my voice is just crap but I don't really give a damn. I'm singing my own stuff even if I'm booed off every stage I go on.

I kinda like that attitude. But remember; you decided, to put your song out into the public; so, one part of you wants to get heard.
People "hear" your stuff different than you do. I can only engage you, to take on the advices given here. You can improve A LOT. You have talent, but music is also hard work

[fischermans]

I agree with the most comments.The most important for me is:
1) To delete a lot of syllables
2) Try to get away from this sort of an Oom Pah Pah melody
3) Try to let people help you
4) Still try to sing more free.Not that kind of reading from a paper.
Alexander

[beckylucythomas]

I also admire your attitude of determination to sing what you're writing.

I agree that that you can improve a lot, and that will make the whole process even more of a pleasure for you.

I actually think the reason your voice sounded not as good as it could be is not because your voice is "crap" or you can't sing in tune but because you hadn't quite decided what the tune should be.

I listened to another of your songs on soundcloud, "baby let me follow you down" and i really liked your voice in that. It has character, charm, likeability, even if not technical perfection - it was really enjoyable.

I reckon, get a clearer, preciser idea of what your melody is, listen to it over and over on another instrument, record it whilst listening to a guide track of the tune, and that'll really help you get it towards where it needs to be.

Back to the song, I'm afraid i didn't listen to the whole thing, but i admire you for writing such a long one, no compromise! I do really think that with such a long song needed to tell the story, you really should cut the intro dramatically - 1 minute 30 was too much for me, and the harmonica's tune wasn't clearly enough defined.

The lyrics need to fit a bit more naturally into the lines, which is going to mean doing some pruning i think.

If you get the lyrics and the melody complementing each other, the song may well keep the listener's attention for the whole story.

Hope that helps. You have the right attitude to stick with it and I've no doubt you will improve heaps!