3. "Sorceress"
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"Sorceress"

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Gwyneth Rose

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"Sorceress"

« on: March 07, 2014, 02:34:31 PM »

Hi Forum,

First time posting here. Am looking forward to meeting some friendlys  :)I am looking for a collaborator for this dark fairytale lyric that I wrote. Was thinking Metal....

Chorus
I don’t want your silver
I don’t want your gold
I take what I need the light from your soul
To fuel my beauty and never grow old
Turn it black and coooooooooooold,
Turn it black and cold

Verse 1
A cold wind blows this winters night
It sings through trees disturbs the quiet
Sounds of footsteps that crunch the snow
Who seeks me out tonight is it friend or foe
So I rise from the fire that wraps me warm
A sudden forceful gust slams open my door
Verse 2
Greetings stranger shut the door
Tell me what it is, you hunger for
You’ve traveled far, no respite no rest
Tried them all, at last you found the best
Come sit beside me close to the fire
I see a desperate look… in your eye

Chorus
I don’t want your silver
I don’t want your gold
I take what I need the light from your soul
To fuel my beauty and never grow old
Turn it black and coooooooooooold,
Turn it black and cold

Verse3
 A Powerful Sorceress is my claim to fame
Potent Black Magic is the tool of my trade
Yes I can grant your deepest wish today
But there’s going to be a price to pay
A pact is a pact there’s no turning back
Payment for your thrill…. is diabolical
Verse 4
So tell me now of your deepest desire
Just what it is, that you wish to acquire
Is it Love and Happiness… Sex and Power
Is Fame and Fortune… your heart’s desire?
I only need a drop of Blood from you
This Contract will make all your dreams come true

Chorus
I don’t want your silver
I don’t want your gold
I take what I need the light from your soul
To fuel my beauty and never grow old
Turn it black and coooooooooooold,
Turn it black and cold


Copyright © Gwyneth Rose Bradley
CJQZ-3GLX-4WQE-JPUL 
All rights reserved
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Poet and Lyricist always looking to collaborate. Write mostly out the box lyrics in most genres.
Amateur model, painter, love ceramics and sculpture. Make teddy bears, do belly dancing and love gardening especially roses

Paulski

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Re: "Sorceress"

« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2014, 03:11:51 PM »
Hi - and welcome to the forum!
That's a great first post IMO. I can see this as a super metal song!
A few suggestions (keep or chuck):

I take what I need: The light from your soul!
It fuels my beauty! I never grow old!

Also I would reverse the rhyme in these lines so as to not overuse the "ole" rhyme:

Turn it coooooold and blaaaaack!
Turn it coooooold and blaaaaack!

Hope you can find a collab partner - obviously this will need to be a female singer.
Best
Paul
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JonnyD

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Re: "Sorceress"

« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2014, 11:38:14 PM »
I love me some dark lyrics :D

Just wondering what kind of vocals this is gonna be? The first thing that came to mind was Anette era Nightwish

The verses could benefit from a little shaking up of the rhyme scheme... At the moment it feels very strict. I loved the last two lines of the third verse precisely because you shook up the rhyme scheme a little by rhyming with the middle of the line. Maybe shake up the rhyming a little in the other verses?

Good lyrics though :)
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diademgrove

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Re: "Sorceress"

« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2014, 12:02:03 PM »
Hi Gwyneth

I like the lyrics and may have a go at setting this to music when I find some time, maybe in a couple of months, if that's ok.

diadem
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Gwyneth Rose

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Re: "Sorceress"

« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2014, 10:50:29 AM »
quote]

Hi Paul
 :) Thanks so much for the warm welcome dude.
Hmmm yes, I really like your suggestions and
definately will consider them.

Yes,I hope I can find a collab here too, there seems to be
so many talented musos around  ;D
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Poet and Lyricist always looking to collaborate. Write mostly out the box lyrics in most genres.
Amateur model, painter, love ceramics and sculpture. Make teddy bears, do belly dancing and love gardening especially roses

Gwyneth Rose

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Re: "Sorceress"

« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2014, 11:41:47 AM »
Hi Rocking

Something along similar lines of the debut band "Mist Doom"  - they are Slovakian that have become an overnight sensation with their demo.Dark  Heavy metal, lots of jeering etc... I actually contacted them and they liked it, and considered doing this song until I said if they sell anything over 1000 cd's they need to share a percentage with me around 20% they backed off LOL
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Poet and Lyricist always looking to collaborate. Write mostly out the box lyrics in most genres.
Amateur model, painter, love ceramics and sculpture. Make teddy bears, do belly dancing and love gardening especially roses

Gwyneth Rose

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Re: "Sorceress"

« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2014, 11:45:45 AM »
Quote from: diademgrove on March 09, 2014, 12:02:03 PM
Hi Gwyneth

I like the lyrics and may have a go at setting this to music when I find some time, maybe in a couple of months, if that's ok.

diadem

Hi Diadem
Thanks man, glad you like the lyrics. If it's still available when you have some time, absolutely!!!
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Amateur model, painter, love ceramics and sculpture. Make teddy bears, do belly dancing and love gardening especially roses

benjo

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Re: "Sorceress"

« Reply #7 on: March 23, 2014, 12:28:08 PM »

 hey very nice write

 yes metal,  yes I hope you get the music to this fine lyric
 I really enjoyed reading it and I think I would enjoy the music too
 you have some very clever lines in there and I like the way it flows

                  BIG WELCOMETO THE HOME OF FORUMS

 and what a cracking start very well done look forward to more of your work

        tony...
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Gwyneth Rose

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Re: "Sorceress"

« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2014, 12:34:44 PM »
Quote from: benjo on March 23, 2014, 12:28:08 PM

 hey very nice write

 yes metal,  yes I hope you get the music to this fine lyric
 I really enjoyed reading it and I think I would enjoy the music too
 you have some very clever lines in there and I like the way it flows

                  BIG WELCOMETO THE HOME OF FORUMS

 and what a cracking start very well done look forward to more of your work

        tony...

Hey Tony, thanks so much. You just put a big smile on my face ;D
Okay I'll post another one, hope you like it too....
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Amateur model, painter, love ceramics and sculpture. Make teddy bears, do belly dancing and love gardening especially roses

mickeytwonames

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Re: "Sorceress"

« Reply #9 on: March 23, 2014, 01:14:55 PM »
The story is about a trade
She can bestow gifts
She needs light for life

I don't get your chorus end lines

I take what I need the light from your soul
To fuel my beauty and never grow old
Turn it black and coooooooooooold,
Turn it black and cold

Also what about turning the verses rounds so 1 & 2 becomes 3 & 4?
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Mickeytwonames
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Gwyneth Rose

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Re: "Sorceress"

« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2014, 01:56:07 PM »
Quote from: mickeytwonames on March 23, 2014, 01:14:55 PM
The story is about a trade
She can bestow gifts
She needs light for life

I don't get your chorus end lines

I take what I need the light from your soul
To fuel my beauty and never grow old
Turn it black and coooooooooooold,
Turn it black and cold

Also what about turning the verses rounds so 1 & 2 becomes 3 & 4?


Hi Mickey thanks for the look in and comments.
In other words, this is the diabolical price - she feeds off his soul
 in exchange for her magic to make his dreams come true.

Funny you should mention the verse switches. I originally had it like that, but than I thought it would be much more intriging as a build up to lay it out like it is. I didn't want to give the game away too soon.
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Amateur model, painter, love ceramics and sculpture. Make teddy bears, do belly dancing and love gardening especially roses

hardtwistmusic

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Re: "Sorceress"

« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2014, 04:43:32 PM »
This is actually a better poem/lyric than the first one I reviewed above. 

I was relieved that Diadem offered to put it to music.  If he hadn't, it's so good that I'd have felt compelled to offer.... and I really do NOT have the time. 

But, if you're a writer, you cannot leave a good idea half done. 

So anyway, I'm sure Diadem will do a great job.... (he's a far better musician than I am)  and I won't have to try to fit it in. 

I'm going to offer the same advice as on your other lyric.  I'd advise against limiting the composer's options by suggesting a genre. 

If I added music to this lyric, it would not be heavy metal.  Could not hear it that way. 

The way I "heard it" was with a pretty, acoustic guitar sound to contrast with the dark, cold-hearted lyric.  Contrast can work as well, and sometimes better than complementary accompaniment. 

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Gwyneth Rose

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Re: "Sorceress"

« Reply #12 on: March 24, 2014, 10:43:07 AM »

Hi Hard,
LOL Thanks so much LOL So you are relieved you say? hehehehe
That is such a great compliment and you have made my day.
Cheers
G
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Amateur model, painter, love ceramics and sculpture. Make teddy bears, do belly dancing and love gardening especially roses

EattheChildren

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Re: "Sorceress"

« Reply #13 on: March 25, 2014, 02:22:03 AM »
Very dark, very lovely. I'm a huge fan of metal, so I'm thinking a more Symphonic Metal sound for these lyrics (i.e. Within Temptation, Delain) I do have one suggestion. This is going to sound crazy, but add another verse. Add another verse where this sorceress reverses what seems to be her blessing and turns it into a curse, where she essentiall drains her victim's life force to feed her own. Again, that's just a suggestion, but I think it would be interesing, and would conclude the little story nicely. Again, amazing lyrics here, and I'm looking forward to reading more :)
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Gwyneth Rose

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Re: "Sorceress"

« Reply #14 on: March 25, 2014, 12:47:31 PM »
Quote from: EattheChildren on March 25, 2014, 02:22:03 AM
Very dark, very lovely. I'm a huge fan of metal, so I'm thinking a more Symphonic Metal sound for these lyrics (i.e. Within Temptation, Delain) I do have one suggestion. This is going to sound crazy, but add another verse. Add another verse where this sorceress reverses what seems to be her blessing and turns it into a curse, where she essentiall drains her victim's life force to feed her own. Again, that's just a suggestion, but I think it would be interesing, and would conclude the little story nicely. Again, amazing lyrics here, and I'm looking forward to reading more :)

Thanks so much for the kind words and so glad you like  :)
Appreciate your suggestion, but I want to leave it to the
audience open ended so that the question remains... does
he do it or not? Would I do it, or not??? LOL - thought provoking!!!
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Amateur model, painter, love ceramics and sculpture. Make teddy bears, do belly dancing and love gardening especially roses
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