[hardtwistmusic]

A musician acquaintance named Paul Newett wrote music for a depressing little song he wrote.  He abandoned the lyric he wrote because it didn't work.  

What sounded like a depressing musical treatment to him I thought sounded hopeful.  I got permission to write the lyric only by promising he would own the lyric and song if he liked it.   I don't own any part of this - including the lyric.  I'm the AUTHOR of the lyric, but not the owner of it.  

Here is the lyric, and I'll provide a link to the  song tomorrow.  

And here is a link --  top song on the page for those who might want to hear how it sings.

www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

btw... Yes, I do have complete permission to use the music and the song, even though they aren't owned by me.  For songwriters, that's quite important.


            STARTING TONIGHT

VERSE ONE:
I’d have never believed
that someone like you could ever love me.
I thought you were as distant as
the stars that shine above me.

But now, starting tonight,
I know that you are thinking of me.
It shocks me when I realize
how much that means to me. (starting tonight.)

VERSE TWO:  
I’m betting my life
that this is a chance that’s worth the taking.
And if it’s a mistake,
it’s a mistake well worth the making.

So, starting tonight
I’m building my future plans around you.
I’ll put my arms around you
even though my hands are shaking.

Bridge:  
This is all new to me.
It’s taken me completely off guard you see.
Out of the blue - Oh God how I hope it’s true.

VERSE FIVE:  
Now, starting tonight,
now that you’ve told me that you love me,
suddenly I see you
from a different point of view.

VERSE SIX:  
You gave me a glimpse of
just how hopeful my life could be.
An unforeseen epiphany
coming at me out of the blue.

CHORUS:  
Now (Now, Now, Now) starting tonight – tonight – tonight - tonight
Now... I’m gonna love you... tonight.

BRIDGE 2
Life was simpler, that’s for sure,
when I was lonely..
And now I’m only
afraid that it won’t last.

VERSE SEVEN:  
But I believe in your heart,
believe in your soul,
and I’ll love you only.
I’ll be leaving yesterday in the past. (Starting Tonight)

Tomorrows looking brighter than
I dared to dream it could be.
Can’t believe it’s
happening so fast...(starting tonight.)

Song fully owned (and all permission required from) Paul Bryan Newett.

[Paulski]

Hi Verlon
I don't think you can ever not own a lyric - but you can give up rights to profit from it..
Can't listen just yet as I'm at the office (on my lunch hour!).
So here are a few comments on the lyrics-
- loved the first verse. It reads like a valentines day card to me - so very emotive.
- like how you get to the title fast - first thing in the second section (is that the chorus) - nice! Shades of "Don't bore us - get to the chorus!"
As far as improving it, it would be nice if the listener knew what occurred that caused the change of heart - why are things different starting tonight?
Also, I kind of missed a repeating chorus. That's a great title to work a chorus around, but each time it is used it has different content around it - are they choruses?
I'm sure a lot of this will become obvious when I listen to the song - so ignore anything that resolves itself in the song!
Nice one!
Paul

[hardtwistmusic]

As far as improving it, it would be nice if the listener knew what occurred that caused the change of heart - why are things different starting tonight?

What changed is that she told him that she loved him.  It was unexpected, and he never believed it possible.  HER declaration of love has changed everything. 

BTW... you can give up "ownership" of a song, but not "authorship."  No matter what, ethically, and legally, no one can relinquish "authorship."  It's illegal and unethical to claim "authorship" without actually being an author.  But "ownership" is what someone buys when they purchase the song (or other intellectual property.)  Ownership (in this case) can be most aptly defined as "the right to profit" from the song. 

[Paulski]

What changed is that she told him that she loved him.  It was unexpected, and he never believed it possible.  HER declaration of love has changed everything. 

OK - I get it when explained - but maybe it would be clearer if the line read "that someone like you could say they loved me", otherwise I get the sense that he's just wishfully thinking...

[tokenangmoh]

Hi Verlon.

There's some stuff I really like here - especially:

You gave me a glimpse of
just how hopeful my life could be.
An unforeseen epiphany

and:

I’ll put my arms around you
even though my hands are shaking.

But on the whole, this one feels like the music's fighting you.

The structure seems to lock you in to saying pretty much the same thing several times in a row, and the chorus doesn't seem to want lyrics at all.

The music's pretty enough, but for all its fancy fretwork you've written better yourself.

Re: the double tracking... it could definitely be closer. Currently it's not so much double tracking as singing it twice.  

It's great to hear your upper register, though! I want to hear more of that in future!

Matt

[benjo]

 hi verlon,

 yeah I do agree with everything said above
 it came across to me like a real battle with the other vocal
 and the part where you say the same over and over
 seems to go right off the rail with the music

 I wonder if these lyrics actually suit you I've heard you do much better with your own

 but at the end of the day you gave it a go so
 
   

[hardtwistmusic]

Thank you all for the feedback.  It's interesting that I'm always more impressed with music written by collaborators than with my own.   I was particularly impressed with this piece of music.  It does me a lot of good to hear several people say that some of what I've written stands the comparison to this well. 

This has REALLY been helpful and I thank you all.   More personal replies later... I'm at work.

[tokenangmoh]

It's interesting that I'm always more impressed with music written by collaborators than with my own.

If you're anything like me, you get dazzled by the playing and the arrangement. I can't play any instruments, so I'm terrifically impressed by people who can. And although I'm getting better with arrangements, any skills I've learned there are a recent development and have a lot of scope for improvement.

Of course it's only right to be impressed by these things, but it's important to recognise that they're not the same as song writing, which at its core is melody, lyrics and structure, with maybe a bit of chord progression on the side.

When you discount the lovely guitar work from the track you've added lyrics to, its melody is only quite good, and its structure is downright unhelpful. That sounds a bit harsh, but then this guy stole your lyrics so I guess harsh it is. 

Matt

[hardtwistmusic]

It's interesting that I'm always more impressed with music written by collaborators than with my own.

If you're anything like me, you get dazzled by the playing and the arrangement.

Of course it's only right to be impressed by these things, but it's important to recognise that they're not the same as song writing, which at its core is melody, lyrics and structure, with maybe a bit of chord progression on the side.

When you discount the lovely guitar work from the track you've added lyrics to, its melody is only quite good, and its structure is downright unhelpful. That sounds a bit harsh, but then this guy stole your lyrics so I guess harsh it is. 

Matt

YOU WROTE:  "If you're anything like me, you get dazzled by the playing and the arrangement." 

MY RESPONSE:   Absolutely true and extremely insightful of you to see that.  I'd have never thought of it in those terms, but it's extremely helpful TO see it in those terms.  Thank you. 

YOU WROTE:  "Of course it's only right to be impressed by these things, but it's important to recognise that they're not the same as song writing, which at its core is melody, lyrics and structure, with maybe a bit of chord progression on the side."

MY RESPONSE:  It's not only hard for me to separate those things, it's actually hard for me to REMEMBER to try to do so.  I'm not a musician, so I don't think of songs as separate components.  It's a really good thing to hear and, again... I thank you for pointing that out. 

YOU WROTE:  "When you discount the lovely guitar work from the track you've added lyrics to, its melody is only quite good, and its structure is downright unhelpful."

MY RESPONSE:  I'll have to go and listen to this with that in mind.  It will be a little like "actually hearing it for the first time" to listen that way.  Sooooo interesting.

YOU WROTE:  "That sounds a bit harsh, but then this guy stole your lyrics so I guess harsh it is."

MY RESPONSE:   I can see how it could sound like he stole them.  But the reality was that I had to all but beg to be allowed to write the lyrics.  It might sound funny, but even without permission, I'd have written them, but just wouldn't have ever been able to ethically USE them.  I'm totally pleased with having the lyrics but not owning them.  For me the real tragedy would have been to not write them. 

I can't really explain it, but some music just calls to me as though it NEEDS lyrics.  When it does, it would just feel totally wrong not to write them.  And this was really hard to add lyrics to... so it was just a total blast writing the lyrics. 

Most lyrics come to me very quickly.  This bit of music resisted and resisted.  Totally fun when that happens. 

[hardtwistmusic]

 hi verlon,

 yeah I do agree with everything said above
 it came across to me like a real battle with the other vocal
 and the part where you say the same over and over
 seems to go right off the rail with the music

 I wonder if these lyrics actually suit you I've heard you do much better with your own

 but at the end of the day you gave it a go so
 

Hi Tony:  Thanks for the feedback.  I totally agree about the two vocals not meshing.  I really don't have the range to sing it all in one key.... and so tried to do it two ways to get some sort of "meet in the middle."  I am aware it didn't work well, but this was the best version I have managed to get.  It's a real difficult vocal for my kind of voice. 

I've often listened to this and thought that it should be a male/female duet, splitting the high register and low register parts.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback, and it gives me something productive to consider.

[beckylucythomas]

Hey Verlon, this intrigued me....more because of the legalities of it than anything else.....

I don't really understand why you would need this chap's permission to write a lyric...?... Yes of course, you need his permission to use his music... but you can write whatever lyrics you like. Just because they're inspired by someone else's work doesn't give them rights over it (unless you're getting into copying....but clearly your lyrics aren't copying his music...). As far as i know, he can only own copyright in something created by you if either (1) you sold it to him and signed a written contract to transfer ownership or (2) you executed the right formalities (a deed of assignment) for a transfer of ownership without him paying you anything or (3) you were employed by him at the time and your contract of employment said that any copyright created by you at work would be owned by him.

If none of those is true, i think all he has got from you is a promise of a gift - which is not legally enforceable.

Given that, i think you do own your lyrics, and you are free to do anything you like with them - although of course it could be a bit awkward to retract the offer of the gift! The only thing you need his permission for is to use his music. If you re-set these lyrics to your own music i reckon you would own and have all rights in the lot.

(But please don't take my word for it cos I'd hate to get you into trouble!!!!!!)

I'm generally not mad keen on sentimental lyrics on the page, but music can bring them alive. I had a quick listen and, whilst i didn't think the music was quite right for the lyrics, it did help me to appreciate the lyrics more. (And besides that, a lot of people love sentimental lyrics anyway.)

I think they could be the basis of a really nice love song but different music could work better. I thought it was a touch too slow (i don't wanna say boring cos it wasn't, but it was sooo slow it was almost getting there!). I thought all the timings of parts of the arrangement were a bit too loose so it felt a little messy. And it was a little too much on a level.

I think you could improve this massively and have a great song if you re-write some of the music (perhaps the music could be a co-write with the other guy?) to give it more of a stirring feel, something that builds up to really rouse some emotions. You could use some classic old romantic film music as your cue.

I also think you could ditch some of the verses (i don't think you need them all saying a similar thing in a slightly different way to really get across the message) to make room for a repeating chorus. Which is where you could really play on the emotions through the music.

I do have that "starting tonight" hook in my head after just one listen, so i reckon it's something worth working on! 

[beckylucythomas]

Btw, just had an after thought... What i wrote about all the ownership stuff...that comes from what i know of English IP/copyright law. I don't know anything about American IP law, although there are a lot of international conventions so at a basic level like this, i dunno, i guess the law's prob quite similar.

(This comes with all disclaimers about not really knowing anything at all!  )

[BooBoo]

I've bit yet listened to the music but I like the lyrics! On paper (or computer screen) it seems to flow well!

[hardtwistmusic]

Btw, just had an after thought... What i wrote about all the ownership stuff...that comes from what i know of English IP/copyright law. I don't know anything about American IP law, although there are a lot of international conventions so at a basic level like this, i dunno, i guess the law's prob quite similar.

(This comes with all disclaimers about not really knowing anything at all!  )

I'm late for work now.  It's really not about legalities with me.  I said I would, and that's the end of it.  He didn't coerce me, and I so desperately wanted to write the lyric that I eagerly accepted the terms. 

Now the reality is that he's so egotistical that he'd probably give me the lyrics back if I can find him to ask.  In his mind, they aren't HIS, so they aren't as good as they should be.  And in his mind, it's almost certain that my lyrics aren't good enough for his music. 

So, when I have time, I'll probably find him and ask him.  And he'll almost certainly say "ok." 

I was so impressed with the guitar work that I missed much of what everyone here is pointing out.  Now that I know this isn't the perfect music for this, I'm freed of my real constraint.... which was my desire to not separate this lyric from this music. 

That's what makes this forum so incredibly valuable.    It's a lot of "ears" that are different, and often better than my own. 

I appreciate everyone here, and you in particular.

[Stylus]

Hi Verlon.
              I may be wrong but you seem to be  singing to this music & the lyrics may have been written to suit this backing track. The song  does  seem to wander around the music &  doesnt to me
totally sit with the music. This is not the fault of the singers or the lyricist,just  the music which doesnt seem structured.  I like the lyrics  & the singing is emotive & done well  just perhaps not balanced.  You are an able songwriter  & you do it with great passion. Do not rely on  music it may be right or it may not be. In this case the music seems appealing  but  doesnt seem organised.

                                               Cheerz bud.........Stylus