[stratos]

Hi all.
Been a while since I've been on here but back again.

I would like opinions on this song if you have the time and patience.
It is still on the demo / beta stage and can't decide if it would be better off without the layered vocals or not.

https://soundcloud.com/stratosint/the-sacrifice

Lyrics:

The Sacrifice.

I'm not surprised things turned out just like they did
I've sacrificed most of myself what more could you expect of me?
No shame in this, you fought a fair fight and you won.
You came out first, but this was not a race for you to run

So run away, run away, from this mirror I 've become,
run away, run away, till there's nowhere left to run,
run away, run away, then straight back into my arms,
I won't be the same, you won't be the same, there will be nothing left of us.

Consumed, defeated and bereft
with eyes locked firmly on the ground
mourning the sudden loss or theft
of things long lost or never found.

Run away, run away, from this mirror I 've become,
run away, run away, till there's nowhere left to run,
run away, run away, then straight back into my arms,
I won't be the same, you won't be the same, there will be nothing left of us

Denied disposed of lost and bare
the story still remains untold
showered in hope, dressed in despair,
always so close but never there,
singing the same old song for her,
with lungs too weak to hold the air,
holding a strand of golden hair,
which then turns black then dead then cold

so run away, run away, from this mirror I 've become,
run away, run away, till there's nowhere left to run,
run away, run away, then straight back into my arms,
I won't be the same, you won't be the same, there will be nothing left of us.

I 'm not surprised and that's my biggest sacrifice.


Thanks.

[hardtwistmusic]

Just read the lyric.  I really liked the chorus, and I think I can hear how you will do it.  

Unless there is something musically fascinating about the verses, they aren't up to the standard of the chorus to my eyes/ears as I read/listen in my head.  

I'll go listen and see what the audio does for it.  

Okay... just went and listened, then came back to this message to add those thoughts. 

My feeling that the chorus is FAR stronger than the verses is borne out by my listen. 

I think the chorus is really really good.  Something needs to be different in the verses imo. 

I think the verses need to be short and simple to go along with this musical concept, and this chorus.

If it were me, I'd consider the same number of verse lines, but shorten by at least half and try to say the same thing in FAR fewer words.  Leave the chorus to be the centerpiece and to carry ALL the complexity imo.

That's just one opinion. 

[tokenangmoh]

Hi.

I agree with Verlon. The chorus is effective for me, and locks into my brain nicely. The verses just seem to be a lot of words that go past me.

I like the spare instrumentation.

I'd say no to the layered vocals... It sounds to me like you'd be most comfortable performing the song dead in the middle of the two voices.

Matt

[Gallowglass]

Got a really strong Evanescence vibe from this. It's quite sepulchral. I thought the chorus could use a change in tempo, and a strong guitar shift - see here from 1:55 to 2:09 for a good example - can really help with that. Without it,  you may find it hard to retain the attention of the listener. Other than that, a tidy piece.

[Winter1982]

Hey I liked this. It's like Radiohead getting mixed up with Bjork. Cool sound. The sparse guitar is eerie and the vocal works, it's kind of u settling. Like a twisted lullaby. For me it's the the rhyming in the chorus that's a bit clunky. Too much repetition, too many cliched rhyming words. Run aways seems to repeat too much for me, though I know it should as it's at the centre of what you are talking about. Any way, nice job!

[mickeytwonames]

The 8 line bridge has 1st line and 4 great lines in the middle - IMHO the underlined ones need to raise their game to match

Denied disposed of lost and bare

the story still remains untold

showered in hope, dressed in despair,
always so close but never there,
singing the same old song for her,
with lungs too weak to hold the air,

holding a strand of golden hair,
which then turns black then dead then cold