[Zelig]

Hi,
What do you think of my lyrics? My major doubt concerns the first line and "acting". I like the idea though in order to show that the moon is actually doing something, but somebody said it brings the thoughts to a play or a film, as if the moon was an actor, if you see what I mean. What do you think? Any thoughts welcome.
Thanks

The moon is acting at night   
The earth is tilting while
The tide is turning
Everything's under water but a slight
Perception of your frame
that's  emerging.
Only fate, now and us

-----------------------------

The dark that scares the world
is dimmed by the reflection
of the warm ocean
A glimmer of the light that shows your shape
but lets your Secrets escape
into the blackness.
But the future is so bright

---------------------
Chorus

By choosing the moment when the dark is right
I have lost myself but not my night
----------------------------------
The sea is spreading its waves
And in the mighty swell,
Our bodies by inertia
My hand Silhouetted against the moon
is shadowing some places that could be mine/ours soon
In the water,far and near

------------
Chorus

By choosing the moment when the dark is right
I have lost myself but not my night

----------------------------------

But now, the sun is rising
The mystery has gone
Everything's clear.
This obviousness is all I fear
All I want to hide from
So I'm waiting
For the darkness, the waves and us

[postmn]

just say btw, ur first verse sounds like a poem

[TNMC]

Hi Zelig. That line doesn't work for me at all and I think it sticks out like a sore thumb from the rest of the lyric, which evokes an intoxicating atmosphere... I can imagine a slow arrangement that make you visualise some of the scenes in the song. It is indeed very poetic, which in this case will more than likely add to the song, but if you do it wrong, will probably diminish its impact a great deal (no pressure there, then!). I can't see Miley, Britney or Shakira tackling a cover of it (which is a good thing). Fix that line, dude...

[Paul]

Hi Zelig,

I wrote quite a long appraisal of this last night, but unfortunately my iPod closed down at the final moment of writing . Your lyrics are certainly poetic. I found a great deal of enjoyment when interpreting them. I don't mind the use of the word active, but it requires the reader to try harder to understand your lyrics. I enjoyed attaching my own meaning to your lyrics, but the poetic style requires the reader to work a little too hard at understanding what you have written. That's partly ok as some people like that, but not everyone. I'd reconsider some of the lyrics and ask is there any I could do without or do I need to express some of my ideas more clearly. However, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your poetic style of writing!
Best,
Paul

[massa]

'Active' as referred to above, does indeed sound better than 'acting' however, The Moon is active at night, is stating the obvious. If you are really determined to talk about the moon I think you need to find a metaphor that is unusual, and doesn't just basically say 'the moon is shining at night'. When I read it I didn't think of it as 'acting' as in 'the thing an actor does' I thought of it as 'acting' - doing something. So that's a consolation.

Why don't you just say 'The moon is absent tonight'? or is the moon being here the whole point of the song? Is it because of this huge 'active' moon that the tides are so large hencewhy everything is underwater, and you go on to reference that so much? What about the moon is harvest tonight? Referring to a harvest moon

extremely long link :p

Dunno, I'm not well versed in lunar goings on.

[Zelig]

Well gentlemen,

postmn,
Thanks , man

Tnmc,
Ok, I’ll fix that line. Thanks!!

Pablo,
Yes sometimes, I might try too hard to be poetic. Maybe because my native tongue is French. What I mean is that in English , you can say «Yeah babe», and it sounds great, but in French you can just forget about it. And besides, French music is more about «good lyrics (sometimes at least) with bad music». That’s where I come from, so maybe I try too hard to make «poetry» and you might be right I should be clearer. I’m not sure I can do much about it though. Maybe it’s too linked to my personality and writing an English text doesn’t come that easy to me. But I’ll think about it. You’ve been very helpful. Thanks.

Massa,

Yes, you got it, to my mind the moon is causing the tide. That’s why I wrote «acting» like «an action».
Harvest sounds good, but it’s a bit reminiscent of Neil Young and Sting in my view. Thanks a lot for your comments - they have been very useful.


A friend suggested the following to me: «the moon is aching / waxing / waning at night». The problem is that I don’t even know what these words mean. What is your opinion about these suggestions?

[massa]

You're very welcome. Aching of course means sore, though I don't know how a moon could do that. Waxing is growing towards full. Waning is going from full towards new.

I guess you could use waxing, as that would imply that the situation (underwater-ness) is getting worse as the moon grows towards full.

If you used waning it may impy that you're over the worst of the problem, and that things will improve daily.

[TNMC]

Reading it again, Zelig, I hope I haven't misunderstood your lyrics but I think maybe an appropriate (and contextual) first line - that would also serve to set the scene - could be 'The moon illuminates the night'. This would contrast nicely with the 1st line of the second part where you've written 'The dark that scares the world'. Or how about 'The moon casts shadows in the night' to suggest the darkness beyond?

Andy from Neverwas

[Mellowh]

It's an interesting discussion this i.e got me thinking about the difference between lyrics and poetry. If something sounds great when you sing it does it matter about the words so much? Anyway think you've got some good suggestions but how about obla di obla da life goes on woah? Joking - The moon slips/is slipping from sight? By the way these lyrics are a joy to read even without music, that makes it poetic in my eyes, take it easy don't be cheesey.

[Zelig]

Thanks a lot Massa, for the very clear explanations. Now, the main problem....make a decision )

Thanks Andy. I like a lot your idea of making a contrast between the first and second verse. I like «The moon casts shadows..» But rythmically it would have to be «...casts shadows at night» not «in the night» . Would that be ok?
The music is already written you see and I need a certain amount of syllables («illuminate» is definitely too long for instance).
Another problem is that I ‘ve already used shadow as a word later in the song, so it would be a bit of a repetition. But I don’t know if it’s such a big deal . In French; it would be though.
Oh, it is so complicated. I appreciate your help so much.

Mellowh,
Thanks ,
I totally agree with you: the way lyrics sound are much more important than their meaning or the poetry.
For years, I listened to rock without understanding a word of what the singers sang and I still enjoyed it. The most rock’n roll song live EVER is for me «Rock me baby» by Hendrix at the Monterrey Festival.
Rock me babe
Rock me all night long.
I really can’t imagine anything that could be at the same time so stupid and so powerful and rock as these lines. This is the essence of rock and roll.
But I have to face that at my age, without Hendrix’ talent, I would definitely feel ridiculous while singing «Rock me babe». So I try something else. And apparently, it’s not too bad.

The moon slips/is slipping from sight?
It sounds great, but I need the moon to stay for the rest of the night for the sake of the atmosphere.
Thanks for taking the time and sharing your impressions. It means a lot, Mellowh

[heaven086]

hey dude those lyrics seem pretty emotional they give of a good vibe. would love to hear some music with them though do you have any?

[tone]

Zelig

Thanks for sharing your lyrics with us. Some excellent feedback so far. I'm going to dive in now and confuse you even more! :p

I think your lyrics have some beautiful images, and some really good lines. The problem is that they sound a little bit contrived at times, and lack the natural rhythms of speech which I think are quite important in a song. I don't think it would take too much work to bring this down to earth a bit (sorry no pun intended!) without sacrificing the important images.

As for the first line, it's remarkably similar to a potential first line of a half finished (soon to be finished, damnit) song that I'm writing.

You could try something a little different:
the moon is tied to the night
the moon doesn't care for the night
the moon is the eyes of the night
the moon is riding the night
the moon is drawn to the night

Just quickly off the top of my head - hope that helps a bit and doesn't make it any worse!

Really looking forward to hearing this one

[massa]

The moon was Noel Fielding tonight

[Paul]

Hi Zelig,

If you do decide to replace the word 'acting' in your lyrics, then obviously, you need to remain faithful to the number of syllables available to you as dictated by your vocal melody. Might I suggest the following as I think it would work well without detracting from the meaning that your lyrics appear to convey.  'The moon is scheming tonight.'  I think that your first verse sets the scene for a meeting between two people.  My interpretation is that the moon, creates a magical scene where two people meet.  it's easy to imagine the moon illuminating the sea, the reflection of a woman and the events that might follow as determined by fate. The moon is indeed 'acting' but I like to think that it acts by conspiring or creating this scene for two people to belong, who perhaps cannot do so, under any other circumstances.  I believe also that this final point is reinforced in your last verse leading up to the final confession/statement, 'I'm waiting for the darkness, the waves and us.'
I hope that you don't mind my suggestion, which is genuinely intended to help. Writing lyrics is for me, very personal. I'd be reluctant to change my writing as I scrutinise everything that I write until I can honestly attribute meaning to everything that I have written. I'm sure that you too are also meticulous and understand that it is difficult to accept suggestions as ultimately, only you can decide what is right or wrong for your composition. 

Good luck with your song, which I'm sure will sound great regardless of the lyrical direction that you decide to follow. 

Paul

[Zelig]

Thanks Heaven,
The music is composed, but I’m arranging it and I will  be back with the whole song soon.

Tone,
«and lack the natural rhythms of speech which I think are quite important in a song.»

Maybe because I’m not a native, but it is difficult for me to tell which part is natural and which is not. Maybe a poetic style is never that natural? I must say I have more questions than answers in my head now.
Maybe I should just sing it to see if it flows naturally or not. I'll have to see how your suggestions can fit, because the melody already exists and some of your suggestions are just too long even if they are good. Others could fit.
Thanks.

Pablo,
Thank you so much for your very perceptive and intelligent suggestion! I think your interpretation of my lyrics is very close to what I'd like to convey, although, as you say, writing lyrics is a very personal and difficult process and what one person sees in them is often far from what somebody else might feel. I really like "scheming", I must say and I'm sorry I wasn't the one to come up with it first! No, seriously, I do like it and needless to say I'm very grateful to you. I think you might have solved my problem.